stuck in my weight but for all the wrong reasons!
i got banded on dec 22nd 2010. i have lost a total of 46 pounds since then. i know i could lose alot more but have been stuck on this number for months. i get no support from my wife, let alone anything else. i started working out and she got pissed that i didnt tell her i joined a gym. she knows i cant eat certain things anymore yet she buys the same stuff i use to eat. she doesnt encourage me or motivate me or really do anything. she could care less about anything i do. i try to talk to her, but everytime i try she either doesnt want to talk about it, or never has time to talk. im tired of this!!! ive tried to be a good husband and try to make things better but since i got lap band she has been horrible. i hate this whole situation and i feel she sabotages my weight loss. i dont think i can do this anymore with her. ive tried to make it work for years and i dont want to try anymore.
my doc told me 50 % of relationships end after lap-band surgery, and asked me if I was willing to risk that. I have such a different attitude since surgery, I put myself first, and don't tolerate crap. I'm sorry this seems to be happening to you. My relationship ended too, but for different reasons than yours.
Warren,
I'm so sorry you and your wife are having problems.
Could it be that she is afraid? Afraid that you will become more attractive to other women and perhaps leave her? Therefore she is consciously or subconsciously trying to sabotage.
Have you tried to sit down and talk to her about this? Will she come to support group with you?
Are you and she open to marriage counseling?
The stats I've heard about relationships and WLS mention that if one or both of the couple were obese going into marriage, that weight loss can be a huge stressor. If one or both of the couple were "normal" sized at marriage and the obesity came later, there's less of a chance that weight loss will cause problems.
I KNOW how hard it is to eat healthily when there's the old triggers in the house. I fight that all the time with college students living here. My DH keeps buying saltine crackers.. and if they're in the house, I can't stay away. ::sigh:: At least I got him to stop buying tortilla chips. One step at a time. :)
I'm so sorry you and your wife are having problems.
Could it be that she is afraid? Afraid that you will become more attractive to other women and perhaps leave her? Therefore she is consciously or subconsciously trying to sabotage.
Have you tried to sit down and talk to her about this? Will she come to support group with you?
Are you and she open to marriage counseling?
The stats I've heard about relationships and WLS mention that if one or both of the couple were obese going into marriage, that weight loss can be a huge stressor. If one or both of the couple were "normal" sized at marriage and the obesity came later, there's less of a chance that weight loss will cause problems.
I KNOW how hard it is to eat healthily when there's the old triggers in the house. I fight that all the time with college students living here. My DH keeps buying saltine crackers.. and if they're in the house, I can't stay away. ::sigh:: At least I got him to stop buying tortilla chips. One step at a time. :)
Lisa
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Reinhold Niebuhr
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Reinhold Niebuhr
I really feel for you. I also had my band 12/15/10 and had the same weight loss as you and also didn't lose this month..I live alone but have no support from family or friends..Friends are heavy so they go out and eat and I can't so don't see them...My married children think I'm eating too much otherwise I would be losing faster and more weight. They keep telling menegative things. and nobody seems to encourage me except 1 or 2 neighbors who happan to be thin. I know in the 7 mos. I have made alot of changes but I really have to go back to basics from the beginning and start measuring and make sure I get the protein in and veggies. I have been doing food that I know won't give me a problem which one of the reasons for not losing also lake of excercise do to several reasons. I do hope you continue to do this for yourself as u are aware os the sabotages. Go to the gym for yourself and the scale will move...
spuddzy
Warren,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I can't give advice because I don't know the dynamic that exists between you and your wife. I don't know how the relationship was like before your WLS, only you do. This is something you need to look more closely out by yourself to see whether things have really changed, or whether the change in your life is just bringing these issues to the surface.
What I will attempt to help you with is how I feel it would be helpful for you to deal with your own feelings about your weight loss. I can't say I have support or don't have support. My partner is very positive about my weight loss and he sees how much better it makes me feel physically. But, Warren, in the end this is your journey, not your wifes. You can place blame anywhere you want for why your weight is stuck. The bottom line is people only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. This journey you find yourself on has to be forged by you and you alone. It is a lot of work, we didn't get to the point where we needed WLS because we were successful in doing this before on our own. YOU need to take control of your own stuff. Regardless of how your wife is feeling or how she is treating you,or even the type of food she brings into the home, you are the one with control over you.
Think of how good the weight loss so far has made you feel. Think of how you feel when you go to the gym and come out with a huge endorphin rush that makes you feel amazing. Think of how much better you are going to feel physically when you get to your goal. In the end perhaps your own outlook will influence your wife to be more invested in your journey with you!
Good luck.
Donna
I am sorry for what you are going through. I can't give advice because I don't know the dynamic that exists between you and your wife. I don't know how the relationship was like before your WLS, only you do. This is something you need to look more closely out by yourself to see whether things have really changed, or whether the change in your life is just bringing these issues to the surface.
What I will attempt to help you with is how I feel it would be helpful for you to deal with your own feelings about your weight loss. I can't say I have support or don't have support. My partner is very positive about my weight loss and he sees how much better it makes me feel physically. But, Warren, in the end this is your journey, not your wifes. You can place blame anywhere you want for why your weight is stuck. The bottom line is people only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. This journey you find yourself on has to be forged by you and you alone. It is a lot of work, we didn't get to the point where we needed WLS because we were successful in doing this before on our own. YOU need to take control of your own stuff. Regardless of how your wife is feeling or how she is treating you,or even the type of food she brings into the home, you are the one with control over you.
Think of how good the weight loss so far has made you feel. Think of how you feel when you go to the gym and come out with a huge endorphin rush that makes you feel amazing. Think of how much better you are going to feel physically when you get to your goal. In the end perhaps your own outlook will influence your wife to be more invested in your journey with you!
Good luck.
Donna
"Accountability first to yourself, then nobody else matters"
Warren,
Donna gave you excellent advice. I do have the support from my better half, but like Donna said in the long run it has to be about you and you alone.
I have a son and husband that brings stuff into the house and I have to deal with it. First , they are not the ones that had weight loss surgery done so they should be able to eat the foods they want without me making them feel guilty over it , yes its my house to but it was my decision to have the WLS done , not my husband's or my son's . Me personally, I would never tell my husband or son they cant bring their favorite foods into the house , I just dont think that is right of me to ask of that and my husband would never ask me that either if he had it done.
This is the time you need to have self control and will power and just because them foods are in the house dont mean you have to eat them. Yes, it is hard , but I think you are alot stonger then you let on and you can say no and dont eat the stuff. Basically, it comes down how bad do you want to lose weight ???
How about a marriage counselor ? Alot of people do that when one of their partners is losing weight .
Is your wife over weight ? like others have said is she insecure
Did you have a good marriage before you started to lose weight or was there problems before , but you just ignored them and ate through the problems ?
In the end only YOU can sabotage yourself not your wife, your family, or your friends. If you allow yourself to be sabotaged then its going to happen .
Donna gave you excellent advice. I do have the support from my better half, but like Donna said in the long run it has to be about you and you alone.
I have a son and husband that brings stuff into the house and I have to deal with it. First , they are not the ones that had weight loss surgery done so they should be able to eat the foods they want without me making them feel guilty over it , yes its my house to but it was my decision to have the WLS done , not my husband's or my son's . Me personally, I would never tell my husband or son they cant bring their favorite foods into the house , I just dont think that is right of me to ask of that and my husband would never ask me that either if he had it done.
This is the time you need to have self control and will power and just because them foods are in the house dont mean you have to eat them. Yes, it is hard , but I think you are alot stonger then you let on and you can say no and dont eat the stuff. Basically, it comes down how bad do you want to lose weight ???
How about a marriage counselor ? Alot of people do that when one of their partners is losing weight .
Is your wife over weight ? like others have said is she insecure
Did you have a good marriage before you started to lose weight or was there problems before , but you just ignored them and ate through the problems ?
In the end only YOU can sabotage yourself not your wife, your family, or your friends. If you allow yourself to be sabotaged then its going to happen .
Quit Smoking 10/8/10
Starting BMI 52.9 BMI now 44.4 updated 6/6/11
On July 17, 2011 at 8:48 AM Pacific Time, steelerfan1 wrote:
Warren,Donna gave you excellent advice. I do have the support from my better half, but like Donna said in the long run it has to be about you and you alone.
I have a son and husband that brings stuff into the house and I have to deal with it. First , they are not the ones that had weight loss surgery done so they should be able to eat the foods they want without me making them feel guilty over it , yes its my house to but it was my decision to have the WLS done , not my husband's or my son's . Me personally, I would never tell my husband or son they cant bring their favorite foods into the house , I just dont think that is right of me to ask of that and my husband would never ask me that either if he had it done.
This is the time you need to have self control and will power and just because them foods are in the house dont mean you have to eat them. Yes, it is hard , but I think you are alot stonger then you let on and you can say no and dont eat the stuff. Basically, it comes down how bad do you want to lose weight ???
How about a marriage counselor ? Alot of people do that when one of their partners is losing weight .
Is your wife over weight ? like others have said is she insecure
Did you have a good marriage before you started to lose weight or was there problems before , but you just ignored them and ate through the problems ?
In the end only YOU can sabotage yourself not your wife, your family, or your friends. If you allow yourself to be sabotaged then its going to happen .
There is alcoholics that are around booze all the time they have learned how to say no to the alcohol because they have been sent through counseling to get the help they need and even though they are "addicted" to the alcohol they have the control to say no , I dont need that even though they are around the booze.
That is the same thing with food , food will always be part of our lives, food will always be around us probably more then the alcohol will and you have to put your foot down and say NO , I dont need to eat that .
I'm addicted to smoking been clean for 9 months now , I would love to have a cigarette, do I go smoke because my family smokes around me ? I'm around smokers all the time . No, I dont because it's my choice not to smoke , just like its the alcoholics choice not to drink, and its our choice not to eat them certain foods because we know better.
You do have choices, and we cant create a bubble around us, we have to learn how to deal with them foods in our house, at our friends, when we go out to eat, when we go to social events, just like the people that are alcoholics have to do they dont stay away from social events because there might be booze there . They go and know they cant drink and still have a good time .
That is the same thing with food , food will always be part of our lives, food will always be around us probably more then the alcohol will and you have to put your foot down and say NO , I dont need to eat that .
I'm addicted to smoking been clean for 9 months now , I would love to have a cigarette, do I go smoke because my family smokes around me ? I'm around smokers all the time . No, I dont because it's my choice not to smoke , just like its the alcoholics choice not to drink, and its our choice not to eat them certain foods because we know better.
You do have choices, and we cant create a bubble around us, we have to learn how to deal with them foods in our house, at our friends, when we go out to eat, when we go to social events, just like the people that are alcoholics have to do they dont stay away from social events because there might be booze there . They go and know they cant drink and still have a good time .
Quit Smoking 10/8/10
Starting BMI 52.9 BMI now 44.4 updated 6/6/11
I am sorry this is causing issues with your wife.
It is hard enough to be in a relationship, let alone when one person is trying to change and feels like they get no support..
I just have a question --based on previous posters comment...When you say "she is buying the same stuff you used to eat"... do you mean she is buying for YOU or for herself...
I do buy things for my son that I cant/wont eat... I cant expect him to eat only what I need to or can, but
my father keeps making rich, high fat foods to 'share' with me... no matter how many times I try to explain why I (and he) do not need them.... he continues to cook....
BUt ..I hope it all works out for you and your mrs...
Good Luck
It is hard enough to be in a relationship, let alone when one person is trying to change and feels like they get no support..
I just have a question --based on previous posters comment...When you say "she is buying the same stuff you used to eat"... do you mean she is buying for YOU or for herself...
I do buy things for my son that I cant/wont eat... I cant expect him to eat only what I need to or can, but
my father keeps making rich, high fat foods to 'share' with me... no matter how many times I try to explain why I (and he) do not need them.... he continues to cook....
BUt ..I hope it all works out for you and your mrs...
Good Luck
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