Unsupportive friends and WLS

Unfortunately, I've been going thru the same thing.  My "best" friend didn't support me at all - it's heartbreaking.  I don't know her reasons, other than an off-handed comment about taking the easy way out.  She goes to the gym at 5 am, 5 -6 times a week, and has a bodybuilder husband.  

We've been good friends for years, and I never expected her to be this way.  I thought she would just see the results and become understanding.  I've lost 30 lbs since my surgery Feb 23rd...and she hasn't asked one question.  Nothing.  If I mention anything regarding my exercise or my new eating habits, she changes the subject.  Even my husband has noticed - which is saying alot!  

I've just surrounded myself with supportive people, and have been getting in touch with friends I've lost touch with.  I'm finding the support in other places and slowly pulling away from her.  It's hard, but I had the surgery for me, not to please anyone else. I hope that in time, things will just go back to normal.  Time will tell.

Perhaps your friend just needs to see the results after the surgery.  Change is hard sometimes, and while jealousy may be a factor, it may be more that the person she loves as her friend will change - not just on the outside.  I think you've said as much as you can at this point.  Wait until after the surgery - when you lose some more weight and your happiness level goes up, perhaps she will see that it's a good thing.  I'm still hopeful that will happen with my friend.  

Do what is best for YOU and see what happens.  Hugs!

Diana 

Diana:

I went thru the same thing with my best friend. We had been friends since 7th grade. She asked me why in the world I needed surgery. Why I would put my body thru that. In her own way she thought she was being supportive. But once I started getting all this attention she really didn't like it. She has always been super skinny! Size 7, small chested and tall with long legs. Hence when we bar hopped in our 20's, she got all the attention. She has maintained that mentality going forward.

Finally last year I had to make the decision to distance myself because it was a very negative relationship and I just couldn't deal with things anymore. I was no longer her fat friend that had low self esteem and put up with being treated like a child because I didn't think I deserved better! Well the fact is that I'm an adult and can pick and choose who is in my life. I chose to pick those who bring positivity and help me progress as a person, not those who hold me back!

As I'd say to anyone, this is not an easy journey and surround yourself with those who bring light and positivity and support to this journey! Always look for reinforcements. If the relationship is worth salvaging in the end, you'll be able to.

Pam

Thanks, Pam!  Like I said, I'm only 2 months out from surgery, so things may change.  We have a road trip planned in September w/hotel reservations that we're locked into.  I will see how things go between now and then.  I am really hoping it will get better - she is my shopping, flea-marketing, and flower shopping buddy! 

People who make comments about doing it on your own don't have 165 lbs to lose.  In my case 190 lbs.  To me the idea of losing 190 lbs was such a big undertaking that I was completely overwhelmed.  I needed some help.  Can normal weight people even wrap their minds around that???  I had to lose more than what most of them weigh!!!  They have never been in our shoes so how can they possibly have an opinion???  It's like us trying to tell an anorexic person to eat...we don't understand their issues.

As far as friends not being supportive.  I wouldn't tolerate it.  I needed all of the help and good energy as I could get.  I did have a very good friend that was very supportive of me and my decision.  She actually had the band herself and did very well.  Then she had complications and she lost her band and she gained most of her weight back in one year.  That is around the time I was doing really, really well.  Needless to say I think jealousy got the better of her because she just stopped talking to me one day and I haven't heard from her in months.  I don't bother calling her because I don't need that in my life.  When I was the fat one I was there for her and now the roles are reversed and she doesn't want to be my friend.  So I'm done with her...

You will learn, unfortunately, that some relationships will change because not only of your choice to have WLS,  but because you lose weight.  Many times our relationships are built around food, eating out, social drinking, etc.  When food becomes less of a focus for you, some friends feel that you've changed and that they don't have the same connection as they had when you were eating/drinking buddies.  Sometimes those relationships fall by the wayside because the friend doesn't feel the need to change and may not want to go walking instead of to the favorite restaurant you went to before, etc.

There are others that truly worry about surgery as an alternative to diet and exercise.  Unfortunately, the statistics show that a very small % of obese patients that lose weight this way actually keep it off.  The statistics with WLS are much better because it's not just about will-power.  Yes, we all need will-power at some point, but we also need a tool that will help us becuase if will-power worked long term then none of us would be obese! 

Here's what worked for me.  I did my research and made my decision on which surgery I would have.  I didn't ask anyone's opinion but my husbands and sister who are my great supporters.  Once the decision was made and the surgery was schedule I went to all the others in my circle of friends and family and told them what I had decided.  AND, I asked for their support.  This is a very important piece IMO, because if they are true friends that care about you, how can they say "no" to a request for support.  I told them that diet and exercise has not worked for me in the past and I've decided to get WLS so I'll have a tool to help me make good choices.  They will also need to understand you are NOT talking about RNY which is a great surgery but really scary for many that are uneducated about the current morbidity stats. 

No matter who you tell, if they truly care about you, they will support you.  Don't ask their opinion, (unless you want to hear everyone's story about their friends, sister's, husband, etc., etc.)  This story is your own and you're in charge.  Take control and go for it!

Best~
Lisa O.

I'm with Lisa on this. I too did my own research and made my own decision. I didn't ask anyone for advice unless they were a bariatric professional or patient. I didn't ask anyone for support except my husband - hard to avoid that, since we live together! He wasn't thrilled with my decision but after 2 decades of marriage, he knew me well enough to realize I was going to do whatever I felt was right for me no matter what he said, so he promised to do his best to support me or at least not sabotage me, and he's done a great job of that.

None of the people who knew me as a fatty have expressed criticism or doubt about my WLS - not before it, not after it. Of course, most of them probably sense that I'd jump all over them if they did that. They may be talking about me behind my back, but I can't control that so I don't worry about it. Recently I ran into one of the women who I suspect (from sideways remarks she's made) thought WLS was a bad idea. I chatted about non-bariatric stuff (the weather, whatever) for a few minutes before I realized that her mouth was hanging open. As soon as I shut up, she blurted out, "I just can't get over how good you look now. You're a different person!"

Which brings me to the point Janina made - people hate change and resist it with all their being. I know that's true of me, anyway. Your friend may fear (without being completely aware of it) that your relationship with her is going to change as a result of your surgery and/or weight loss. If you really care about this person and feel that she adds something good to your life, why not have a heart to heart chat with her, reassure her that your friendship will go on, and tell her it's OK to talk about it if she's scared, jealous, or anxious about it.

If on the other hand she's not a close or somehow valuable friend, I wouldn't agonize over this. As you go through life (and get to be a "sweet old lady" as Nana calls me), you discover that someone's almost always unhappy or uncomfortable with the things you do and the decisions you make. If you act strong and confident (even if it's a "fake it until you make it" thing), other people will be less likely to prey on your own doubts and weaknesses.

Jean

People hate change.  They hate it.  Human nature.

if you get skinny, she will have to adjust.

F*ck her.  Do what you want to do.  No one is going to make you happy or healthy except you.

Sometimes you have to be really selective in where you look for support. My online support was almost all I had thru my journey and it worked for me. I love my online help!
I haven't even told my family (or in-laws) that I had WLS. I knew they were negative from when I mentioned it a few years ago so I chose not to tell them. Here I am 3 plus years later and still do not regret the choice!
Best of luck to you!

Who care what other people think! I know you are trying to be a friend, but what is going to happen to the friendship when you die, because of the weight? People were not supportive when I had my surgery, but I did it anyway because it was what I wanted. Find new friend don't limit yourself. And if you need support well you will find support from other people that have had WLS and here. You need to be strong! Good Luck on your surgery and remember you have to go through this journey ALONE, because you will be the one deciding what you will be eating when you will be exercising and not body else is going to get you butt in gear to get that stuff done. Like my niece once told me You need to MAN up!