Death and Family

Hello

This has been a long day already.  I found out my step- dad died last night   I was never really close with him because of physical and mental abuse that occured when I was kid (the man beat me every day and then kicked me out of the house when I was 15!!!).  My sister on the other hand is a big daddy's girl (this is my sister's actual father).  She took care of him as he got sick.  Although, I have forgiven my step father for my childhood...it doesn't change the fact that we weren't close and his love for his actual daughter was obviously more than what he felt for me.  I felt like an outsider when I would visit my family.  I was never really treated the same.  For this reason as an adult I have always distanced myself from them.  I didn't see the reason to feel uncomfortable and I didn't see the need to take care of a man that never treated me like a daughter.  Well now my sister isn't talking to me because she said I never helped and I wasn't there for him.  Well not be mean but no one was there for me either...ever.  Well I got a call this morning that he passed away and my sister is completely out of her mind angry at me (to the point that my daughter is worried that she will hurt me) and has banned me from the funeral.  I was completely planning on going to the funeral but now I think it's best if I just stay away.  I don't want to make a scene at his funeral and she WILL make a scene.  
 

Is it wrong of me to keep my distance from a man that made my life miserable for years???   

No it isn't wrong to stay away...your half-sister is experiencing her loss in her way and who knows what your step-father told her about your relationship with him.  Your shared genetics doesn't ensure that you will have a sisterly relationship, since she was so close to your abuser and either doesn't know the truth about her father or doesn't want to acknowledge that the abuse happened.  I would just honor her wishes and walk away from the relationship...the fact that he is dead won't change the dynamics that have been in place for some time.

In my family, my step-father was wonderful, it was my bio-daddy that was the abuser and my full brothers that I had to walk away from...when my oldest brother passed away (3 yrs younger than me) about 6 years ago, I felt tremendous relief that the person who threatened me as an adult was gone and no longer a threat.  The other bio-brother is still alive and still wanting a relationship, but that is never going to happen.  The two of them, when they turned 18 took our bio-daddy's name again, dropping our step-father's name (who was a wonderful man) and both led lives filled with crime, drug abuse and abusive relationships with women....they cannot be part of my life, because my life and the people I choose to include does not include people who don't add positively to it.  I made the decision long ago that my children and grandchildren would not have to deal with them and their toxicity and it was a good choice...

You need to make the best choice for you and your family.  Counselling can help you to cope with any unresolved feelings you have about the situation, but you must move on and not get sucked into your sister's life...walk away and don't look back.

 No it isn't wrong, it is the safe and more reasonable thing for you to do.

You lived with being abused as a child for years.  

You are now an adult, you have the right to make your own decisions and NOT to do or go where you know the environment is toxic.

If I were you, I would send my sister a sympathy card, apologize for NOTHING, simply say..sorry for your loss, thinking of you. And I would make plans to do something I liked with a dear friend the day of the funeral and I would do it.

This stuff is so hard.  But you have the right to not place yourself in harms way.   I think that whole situation is completely toxic.

(((huge hugs))

Just keep telling yourself...it's not you...it's them 

My grandfather never liked me .. and he wasn't abusive but he clearly showed his distaste for me.. it hurt after so many years of having to endure him being nice and generous to all his other grand children my Mom said enough is enough and I didn't have to go over there to spend time with them.

He didn't attend birthdays, Mis Quince, My graduations etc. My grandmother attended a few but not much either.. so long story short when he was dying he summoned everyone to the hospital to see them 1 last time .. my family asked my mom to tell me ... my mom said I will tell her but it's her decision to go.

I didn't.. I didn't have a relationship with him.. I didn't have anything against him at this point .. I'm grown up but I didn't want to go to there like his grand daughter when clearly I wasn't. I didn't regret my decision... You made peace with how he treated you already and going to the funeral might stir up things inside of you.. plus with the way your sister is behaving. Sometimes we want to do things that please others.. I think it would of pleased my Dad if I would of gone to see my grandfather.. but I had to do what was best for me. Sometimes what is best for you is not right or wrong ..

Just have thick skin because your sister might be very mean and hateful but hopefully with time she will get over it.
 

Funerals are for the living, not the deceased. It's a ritual that is supposed to provide closure for the living. If you don't need the closure you have no reason to go.

I didn't go to my own mother's wake for the same reasons you describe. I finally ended up going to her funeral but it was to keep the peace more than anything.

You do what is right for YOU.

Your sister is angry she lost her father.  You are the easiest target.  If you don't really care to attend the funeral, and your sister doesn't want you there, there's no reason to go.  I'd send a card, maybe flowers, if it were me, just so the death isn't totally ignored.

Family dynamics... they can play a huge role in why many of us use food for comfort.

I am with Wasabubble.  I think that they are there for the living, and if your sister is going to use it to make you miserable, then you have no responsibility to go.  But she shouldn't keep you away from the rest of the family if you need to be there for your own closure. 

To be totally honest here, I skipped my dad's funeral because I did not have a relationship with him.  My sister was the total opposite though and still hasn't forgiven me for not being there for her.  I still think it is your choice though.

I am sorry for your loss, even if you feel kinda ambivalent about it. (Hugs)