I WISH we did live in that perfect world. We dont. I can fully understand your reasons behind your choices. I know you have a better chance of making it through the surgery than most. It does happen, true. It doesnt happen to everyone and in the cases that do have a death rate, it seems they had far worse comorbidities than you do. I had to go through the same thing with my kids. They watched my every move the closer my date came. Not saying anything, jus****ching me and I finally asked WTH you looking at? .. THEN the questions and concerns came and they just knew I was going to die from the surgery or not have a good outcome because of my sister in law. I have never feared death. I know it is a given, one day it will happen but I dont fear it at all. I cant live my life in fear and I choose to embrace the unknown. I just know, life does not end here. Anyway, back to the subject. I wonder if your sister has watched too many Oprah episodes with WLS horror stories or heard too many horror stories from uneducated people who have no clue what they are talking about. I know it happens. Try to reassure her as best as you can. Talk to your psychologist about it, Im sure he can give you the best advice on how to handle this situation. If my parents had been alive when I underwent surgery I might know how to handle this situation, then again my mother was a surgical technician and surgery was her life so she may have been cool with it. I wish she was here for me to have found out. Love, Sandy

I just posted this on the Sex board and the August 2005 board. I need to rant. I just talked to my sister who is upset because she's afraid that she will have to tell my parents that I am dead if I don't make it through the surgery and she doesn't want to be caught in the middle of it and she doesn't want to have to deal with them if they find out she knew about the surgery and didn't rat me out. Anyway, here's what I posted... Have any of you dealt with decisions concerning telling your family you are having or had surgery? I cannot tell my parents because I don't want to worry my dad (who is 90 years old) and my mother has belittled me for my weight for so long that I refuse to even talk about weight issues in her presence. She has put me down for so long and had me on diets all my life, even when I was a little girl. I have been made to feel that I have just disappointed her SO MUCH for basically being a bad girl and shaming the family by becoming obese. The way my mother talks, there is no greater sin in this life than to be even remotely overweight. Anyway, I am dealing with this and many other issues in therapy, and I have chosen not to tell my parents about the surgery. After it is all over, I will have to tell them something...I can't very well lose 215 lbs. without some explanation, but right now I just can't deal with the stress. If I tell her now, she will make my life hell for the next 4 days (Oh my god, it's only 4 days now!) before the surgery, telling me that all I would have to do is cut out sweets, like SHE does, and then I would lose weight. But according to her, I have just "done this to myself deliberately" like any woman would CHOSE to weigh 365 lbs. So, this is the decision I have made. I just got off the phone with my sister, who is supportive of the surgery, but she is pressuring me to tell them or at least write them a letter...basically she wants me to let her off the hook in case I die during the surgery....so they won't put any blame on her. Ok, in a perfect world, I could tell everyone everything and there would be an outpouring of love and support, but this is not the case here. I honestly do not want to write them a letter. I am going to talk this over with my psychologist on Tuesday, but I am having car trouble and am worrying if my car is going to make it to his office, which is in Decatur. I have a friend who is going to come and take me to the hospital, which is three hours away, so I don't have to worry about my car for that. I can't get my car fixed until after the first of the month because I have to wait on my disability check. I am so stressed about a lot of things and would like to CALM DOWN before this surgery. I am not having this surgery to get thin or to look pretty for shallow people who cannot see beyond my weight. I am having this surgery because I need to improve my health NOW or I will die. I have fibromylagia and osteoarthritis, among other things, and I cannot get up out of my chair or walk without extreme strain and exhaustion. I have got to get my health back. I don't want to listen to people talk about my looks. I want to get some of the mobility that I have lost and I want my life back. I know I will have to tell people something, even though it's none of anyone's business really. Some people I don't mind saying, "It's none of your beeswax," but there are some people who I will be wanting to give some sort of explanation to. My mother? I will want to explain to her that I am NOT doing this because of any of the insults she has hurled at me in my life. This is for my health...period. Yes, I will enjoy wearing clothes that are smaller than 28's. I will enjoy looking better, but I don't want to have to listen over and over and over to how horrible I looked before and how much better I will look after. I know there is no way to avoid this, but still...there has to be a better way than lying to people and making up excuses. My best friend from childhood will be helping me with my after care. I have told my parents that I am going to visit her for a couple of weeks because her husband is out of town and she wants some company. I HATE lying like this, but I have been forced to do so because I cannot go through what I will have to go through if I tell them. Also, I don't want to go into this surgery with big arguments in the family. My mother will cry and make it all about her and how dare I do this to her when all I have to do is just diet. Then she will call me every hour on the hour with suggestions like why don't I try that cabbage diet or why can't the doctor give me dexedrine like she did when I was a little girl? Hmmmm.....while I was just typing that, I thought about something....I could perhaps tell them that, while I was visiting my friend, she gave me this protein drink that she loves and that she has lost some weight on it and it's really good and filling and I'm doing that for a while....maybe tell them that my friend and I went on a two week diet while I was visiting her and.... I don't know. I wi**** didn't have to be like this. Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long, but I was just wondering if there are others who cannot, for whatever reason, tell your family about your surgery and what you are telling them. I am not a liar by nature and I hate to do it, but under the cir****tances, I see no other option. My sister was telling me I was going to have to tell them something because she didn't want to be caught in the middle of it. I asked her if she would be willing to be there when I told my parents then. No. She is not willing to do that because she knows what kind of war it will start. She agrees that I probably shouldn't tell them, but she doesn't want to have to be the one who tells them I'm dead if I don't make it through the surgery. And that's another thing....I wish people would stop talking about "if you don't make it through the surgery..." Anyway, thanks for listening. I am thrilled that I am having this surgery. I have fought so hard for this and I wouldn't stop it for anything in the world. I want this. I deserve this. I need this. This is a joyous occasion for me and I hate that it has to be marred by GUILT because I cannot be honest with the people I care about. Joni

I'm not a bit surprised! I knew you would ace it! That's terrific! Woohoo! Good for you! You're going to be driving that troopers car before you know it! Love, Joni who hopes if she is flying through Florida going too fast, that Gisela is the one who pulls her over....or some really hot trooper guy who is very forgiving....

Thank you so much. My mother will be going with me and take care of me. Remeber her in your prayers also. She is 73.

I think the surgery lasts 2-3 hours, according to what some people have said. I'm just going to go with the flow. I would like for it to be over and them have me awake by noon so I can watch ALL MY CHILDREN. LOL Are you coming too Becky? That will be wonderful! Love, Joni