It depends on how fast you drive...seems like I can make it in an hour an a half easy...but I fly!

Sounds good to me Becky!!! How far is Madison from BHAM?

Nil, I'm so sorry for your loss! Beating yourself up and wondering all the 'what if's" is all a part of the grief process. I hope you don't mind but I printed out your post and am going to put it on my bathroom mirror to read everyday as a reminder of just how precious life is. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, eloquent as always. May your God comfort you and protect you during your time of sadness. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help ease your load. I love you! Kim

No, it is not irrational at all. It is called learning life's lesson's. It is something I think each and everyone of us go through at some point in our lives. Wisdom does come with age. The older I get, and begin to loose family and friends to death, I often wonder the very same things. If there could have been something I should have done, would it had changed the outcome? Ive learned, probably not. Everything happens for a reason and I truely feel we are destined to experience some of these things in our lives to learn and grow from them. There are just some things in life, we have no control over and this is one of them. I live with regrets for not saying things to my mother before her death. her death was FAST, literally, here today and gone tomorrow. Liver cancer took her exactly 7 days from diagnosis. Life has a way of making you "see" things in a different perspective when you deal with these losses. I was blessed to have been given time with my sister before her death. You have to understand, we NEVER got along growing up, we never got along once we were older, she ignored me, I ignored her. She didnt approve of my husband and she felt I could have done better which she was right in that area. We didnt speak for YEARS, until I got a letter from her asking me to come see her at Christmas, in her home, in Atlanta. All of my sister's were invited, it was then she told us she had terminal breast cancer that had metastisized. I couldnt handle this information too well, it was hard but we managed to be civil to each other and she asked me to go with her to the store which I did. When we were alone, she asked me to make her a promise that she would be able to die peacefully at her home and without pain. I promised her, I would see to it. I could write a book on this experience, which I do plan to do one day. The story is long and complicated but the jest of it was that no matter how much we couldnt stand each other, in the end we learned to forgive, we learned to love and we learned that life is too short not to take full advantage of each and every minute of every day, and to say what you have on your mind to the ones who mean the most to you, while they are still with us. I had enough hope and determination that she could beat this cancer and live. It was hard to watch her give up, no matter how positive I was she would live, when she died, and I held her in my arms & cried. I was so ANGRY at her for giving up the fight and not trying harder ( my perception), at God for not listening to my prayers and healing her and at everyone who tried to comfort me, when no one could. My determination that she WOULD live did not affect the outcome as I had planned for it too. I will never forget the day her radiologist called me into his office and told us both there was nothing else they could do, we needed to go home and call hospice and spend time with each other. I was in denial, after all she was up walking and talking and taking care of herself, her cancer had not stricken her at that point to where she even looked like she had a terminal illness! How dare he say that! She was just 36 years old for crying out loud! On the way home, "Lean On Me" came on the radio, I just pulled off the road and we cried rivers of tears and just held each other. I hear "Lean on Me" on the radio almost on a regular basis since her death. I was never aware of it before as I am now and I always think of that day when I hear it. She IS helping me to carry on. Looking back I do see the whole experience did make a difference, just not the outcome I had wanted, but in other ways. It allowed her to die at home with dignity she wanted, and without pain, she feared. It allowed us to talk about our feelings and how we wasted so many years arguing and fighting over nothing. It helped us to grow closer in the end, and it gave us the time to say what we wanted to say before she passed on. It was also a lesson in KNOWING that life does not end when we leave this world. I KNOW she is with me to this day. I KNOW she is aware of my life today and what has happened to me since she passed on. It also made us realize just how similar we really were all along we were just too petty and self absorbed to see where we had made our mistakes but in the end we were given the opportunity to put everything into perspective. Had I not been given this chance, I really do not know where I would be today or if I could even function in my daily life as I am now able to do. I ended up, quitting my job, leaving my husband and children for 6 months to move to Atlanta to see her last wishes were carried out. I have no regrets whatsoever for doing that. Im sorry for the loss of your friend, it is hard to be left here and wonder about all the "what if's", but in reality isn't anything we can do about our destiny, and we all have one, eventually. Love, Elspeth!

I was heavy when I married, around 220, which for me did not make me look obese since I am so tall, I did look overweight but not as morbidly obese as I became. After 2 children, gaining 75 pounds or more with each pregnancy I just couldnt loose it all and ended up gaining more weight over the years. My husband has never seen me thin, because Ive never been thin. We have been on the verge of divorce for several years, unrelated to any weight issues and I suspect eventually I will get my divorce. He has cheated on me several times over the years and that just destroyed any love I once had for him. Once you destroy the trust, there is no forgiving and forgetting, It haunts you for as long as you are with that person. I will absolutely not tolerate cheating, or dishonesty and I have not let him near me physically for years. There are just too many diseases out there now that can KILL you, if you are not cautious, and he still lies to me to this day over simple things like money, and says he will do one thing, and never does it. I do not trust him, Ive had items go missing from my home, only to find them in pawn shops. He LIES about everything, and will create another lie to cover one, then try to make me think I am paranoid and just dreaming this crap up. I have a patient who now has full blown AIDS. Her husband brought it home to her. She was a nurse for over 30 years, when she learned he had cheated and gave her AIDS her entire life changed. She divorced him, and became addicted to crack to try to ease her pain and go on and kill herself and get it over with. She lost contact with her daughter and went from a successfull professional to a homeless drug addict, with a death wish. Her entire family has alienated her because of her disease and how her life has drastically changed. They dont understand the reasons behind her drug use, instead they blame HER for destroying her life, which she did do to a certain extent, but I can see how she could wake up and get this news one day and just give up on life as she once knew it too. I have no idea what I would do, if I was ever given this news. It had to be very devsastating. I have alot of compassion and empathy for this lady and her phlight! She didnt ask for it, just all happened because her husband decided to be a cheater and so careless he caught AIDS and brought it home to her and it destroyed her self esteem and her life. Her case has opened my eyes alot wider to be more aware and less careless if and when those sexual feelings ever return, for now they are just laying dormat. It really is going to take a very special person for me to feel loved and secure enough to have a close relationship again. He never said if he was for or against me having surgery. All he has ever said when I lost weight before was that I "looked fine like I was and I didnt need to loose any weight". Once I lost a susbstanial amount of weight, years ago, I started getting attention from different men, his friends even made comments he didnt like and he would do his best to sabotage me by wanting to go out to eat, bringing home junk food, and things he knew I craved and had no control over. I ended up gaining more and more until I reached 300. he was happy as a clam with me being so heavy and I was so miserable & depressed. Now, he realizes I will be successfull this time. He knows I will eventually divorce him, his attitude has changed completely. He says nothing about my weight, nothing about the loss so far, no encouragement whatsoever. He STILL asks me if I want to go out and eat every week and I politely turn him down. Last night he asked if I wanted fried shrimp, he knows I love fried shrimp and I was strong enough to tell him NO, and let him know things like this will make me SICK, does he want to make me SICK? Of course he said, no but deep down I do think he is still trying his old tricks. Im just MUCH stronger now and really at this point have no desire to go back to old eating habits, just yet. BEFORE weight loss , he was always verbally abusive and beligerant and would tell me all the time I should be glad he married me because no one else would want me. He did his best to tear me town emotionally, and he has never been physically abusive. IF he had been, I would be emailing from Julia Tutwiler Prison. We have been legally seperated for over 2 years. Last winter he lost his job, and got evicted and had no where to go so he played on our daughter's sympathy and managed to talk her into letting him come here 'temporarily" ( all this transpired while I was at work), he stays in the extra bedroom and he is not allowed near me or my room. He has found a decent job recently, bought his own trailer and now is working on getting it moved and set up. He thinks it is going to be his camphouse on the river but it is going to be his permanent home, he just doesnt know it yet. I have asked him to leave several times. I get ignored. He knows I cant stand to breathe the same air he does so he knows he better not even go there with anything remotely sexual or kissy kissy. If he does not move into his trailer, I do plan to move out. I just rent this house, and my lease has been up for over a year now. My daughter will either move with me, or she will have to do the best she can but I do plan to have my divorce papers filed by the fall. Under no cir****tances will he be allowed to even know where I end up. My daughter is just going to have to learn that she can not keep us together because this is what she might want and she will have to learn that he is just playing the same guilt trip games, with her, that he has played with me for 25 years now. So to answer your question, he is alot nicer NOW, but I think that is only because he doesn't want a divorce, he wants someone to take care of him, and he knows in a few years he will be retiring and he has no retirement saved up, he has never kept a job for a long period of time and he wants me to take care of him finacially forever and it just isnt going to happen. He is just going to have to live in his trailer, and live off his social security the best he can ( he is 49). He doesn't want a partner, he wants a caregiver in his old age, and someone to hand money to him, and Im not the one! He is AFRAID of me getting healthy, he knows my self esteem and confidence will build and get stronger and he wants me to be dependant on him, which he has never been in a position for me to say, I can quit my job, stay home and be happy. We would have starved to death and been homeless if I had depended on him. Right now, the only thing holding me here, in this town, is my daughter and grandchildren that live with me. She can not just up and move away because of custody issues with the kids dad, even tho she has full custody, still it is in the agreement she can not move away with the children without her ex's permission ( within a 60 mile radius), and so far I haven't been able to convince her to let's just pack up and leave town. Her current boyfriend has been talking marriage and if they marry then I will be one step closer to fullfilling my dreams.The day will come when she will be finacially stable and independant and not rely on me so much for help and then I can pack up my belongings and leave this town/state for good. Live my life, where I want too and how I want too and with whom I want too . Love, Elspeth!