Family Matters

I just posted this on the Sex board and the August 2005 board. I need to rant. I just talked to my sister who is upset because she's afraid that she will have to tell my parents that I am dead if I don't make it through the surgery and she doesn't want to be caught in the middle of it and she doesn't want to have to deal with them if they find out she knew about the surgery and didn't rat me out. Anyway, here's what I posted... Have any of you dealt with decisions concerning telling your family you are having or had surgery? I cannot tell my parents because I don't want to worry my dad (who is 90 years old) and my mother has belittled me for my weight for so long that I refuse to even talk about weight issues in her presence. She has put me down for so long and had me on diets all my life, even when I was a little girl. I have been made to feel that I have just disappointed her SO MUCH for basically being a bad girl and shaming the family by becoming obese. The way my mother talks, there is no greater sin in this life than to be even remotely overweight. Anyway, I am dealing with this and many other issues in therapy, and I have chosen not to tell my parents about the surgery. After it is all over, I will have to tell them something...I can't very well lose 215 lbs. without some explanation, but right now I just can't deal with the stress. If I tell her now, she will make my life hell for the next 4 days (Oh my god, it's only 4 days now!) before the surgery, telling me that all I would have to do is cut out sweets, like SHE does, and then I would lose weight. But according to her, I have just "done this to myself deliberately" like any woman would CHOSE to weigh 365 lbs. So, this is the decision I have made. I just got off the phone with my sister, who is supportive of the surgery, but she is pressuring me to tell them or at least write them a letter...basically she wants me to let her off the hook in case I die during the surgery....so they won't put any blame on her. Ok, in a perfect world, I could tell everyone everything and there would be an outpouring of love and support, but this is not the case here. I honestly do not want to write them a letter. I am going to talk this over with my psychologist on Tuesday, but I am having car trouble and am worrying if my car is going to make it to his office, which is in Decatur. I have a friend who is going to come and take me to the hospital, which is three hours away, so I don't have to worry about my car for that. I can't get my car fixed until after the first of the month because I have to wait on my disability check. I am so stressed about a lot of things and would like to CALM DOWN before this surgery. I am not having this surgery to get thin or to look pretty for shallow people who cannot see beyond my weight. I am having this surgery because I need to improve my health NOW or I will die. I have fibromylagia and osteoarthritis, among other things, and I cannot get up out of my chair or walk without extreme strain and exhaustion. I have got to get my health back. I don't want to listen to people talk about my looks. I want to get some of the mobility that I have lost and I want my life back. I know I will have to tell people something, even though it's none of anyone's business really. Some people I don't mind saying, "It's none of your beeswax," but there are some people who I will be wanting to give some sort of explanation to. My mother? I will want to explain to her that I am NOT doing this because of any of the insults she has hurled at me in my life. This is for my health...period. Yes, I will enjoy wearing clothes that are smaller than 28's. I will enjoy looking better, but I don't want to have to listen over and over and over to how horrible I looked before and how much better I will look after. I know there is no way to avoid this, but still...there has to be a better way than lying to people and making up excuses. My best friend from childhood will be helping me with my after care. I have told my parents that I am going to visit her for a couple of weeks because her husband is out of town and she wants some company. I HATE lying like this, but I have been forced to do so because I cannot go through what I will have to go through if I tell them. Also, I don't want to go into this surgery with big arguments in the family. My mother will cry and make it all about her and how dare I do this to her when all I have to do is just diet. Then she will call me every hour on the hour with suggestions like why don't I try that cabbage diet or why can't the doctor give me dexedrine like she did when I was a little girl? Hmmmm.....while I was just typing that, I thought about something....I could perhaps tell them that, while I was visiting my friend, she gave me this protein drink that she loves and that she has lost some weight on it and it's really good and filling and I'm doing that for a while....maybe tell them that my friend and I went on a two week diet while I was visiting her and.... I don't know. I wi**** didn't have to be like this. Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long, but I was just wondering if there are others who cannot, for whatever reason, tell your family about your surgery and what you are telling them. I am not a liar by nature and I hate to do it, but under the cir****tances, I see no other option. My sister was telling me I was going to have to tell them something because she didn't want to be caught in the middle of it. I asked her if she would be willing to be there when I told my parents then. No. She is not willing to do that because she knows what kind of war it will start. She agrees that I probably shouldn't tell them, but she doesn't want to have to be the one who tells them I'm dead if I don't make it through the surgery. And that's another thing....I wish people would stop talking about "if you don't make it through the surgery..." Anyway, thanks for listening. I am thrilled that I am having this surgery. I have fought so hard for this and I wouldn't stop it for anything in the world. I want this. I deserve this. I need this. This is a joyous occasion for me and I hate that it has to be marred by GUILT because I cannot be honest with the people I care about. Joni

I WISH we did live in that perfect world. We dont. I can fully understand your reasons behind your choices. I know you have a better chance of making it through the surgery than most. It does happen, true. It doesnt happen to everyone and in the cases that do have a death rate, it seems they had far worse comorbidities than you do. I had to go through the same thing with my kids. They watched my every move the closer my date came. Not saying anything, jus****ching me and I finally asked WTH you looking at? .. THEN the questions and concerns came and they just knew I was going to die from the surgery or not have a good outcome because of my sister in law. I have never feared death. I know it is a given, one day it will happen but I dont fear it at all. I cant live my life in fear and I choose to embrace the unknown. I just know, life does not end here. Anyway, back to the subject. I wonder if your sister has watched too many Oprah episodes with WLS horror stories or heard too many horror stories from uneducated people who have no clue what they are talking about. I know it happens. Try to reassure her as best as you can. Talk to your psychologist about it, Im sure he can give you the best advice on how to handle this situation. If my parents had been alive when I underwent surgery I might know how to handle this situation, then again my mother was a surgical technician and surgery was her life so she may have been cool with it. I wish she was here for me to have found out. Love, Sandy

Luckily, no one in my family knows anyone who has died from this surgery. I had to laugh to think of my sister watching Oprah. My sister doesn'****ch stuff like that, but I got a giggle thinking about it. If you knew her, you'd think it was funny too. My sister is an RN, so she knows all about the surgery, plus she has two women in her office who have had the surgery who are doing beautifully. My sister's concerns are coming, not from an informed RN, but from a woman who has the same mother as I do and she knows how she is and she doesn't want to be on the receiving end of her mouth if something happens to me and her (our) mother finds out she knew about the surgery and didn't come trot to tell them about it behind my back. My mother is HUGE on talking about people behind their back, so she gets mad if someone knows something and don't come running to tell her. This is how I know that my mother doesn't want me to have the surgery. When I first told my sister, she told me that Mama didn't want me to have the surgery. My first words were, "How the H does she know I'm thinking about it????" Well, she doesn't, but since she talks about how fat I am and how horrible it is and how ashamed she is because I won't "do something about it," she has talked it to death all the ways in which I could lose weight if I just would listen to reason. Since I was in Florida for so many years, my sister and her family were the only ones at the Sunday dinners, so I was often the topic of conversation. Naturally my sister tells me what Mama says, so she has thought about WLS for me, but she doesn't want me to have the surgery when all I have to do is just diet like a normal person. I remember one time she was shrieking at me on the phone about my being crippled and telling me that surely the doctor had told me to lose weight and even if I could lose ONE POUND, that would have to help. ONE POUND. Yeah, that would make everything all better. One pound. I started to say, "Well, you know what? I will do that for you. I will lose ONE POUND." Crazy.....like one pound would make any difference at this point. I'm going to have to tell them something though because I am not going to be able to eat those Sunday dinners. I love my daddy's sweet iced tea, so they are going to know something is up if I'm not drinking any of that tea. Oh well, I don't have to worry about that until the surgery is over. Ironically, the first Sunday dinner after my surgery that I will be back here and over at my parents will be none other than September 4th, my birthday. So I'm sure my daddy will make something good; they will have a cake. And I'm not going to be able to touch anything. If he makes my favorite meatloaf, I am going to be so upset! Oh well, I don't have to worry about that today. Love, Joni

It might be time to give Mama some tough love and just tell her once and for all you are grown now and can make your own decisions for YOURSELF, without having her input. Of course not knowing your mother its easy for me to say and harder for you to deal with. Mama might benefit fom some counseling sessions with you but then Im sure by now she is set in her ways and if its one thing I know, you can not change a elderly person's mind, once they have it set on something, thats it, ITS THE LAW as far as they are concerned. Call them ahead of time and ask them not to do anything special food wise, for your birthday. You can tell them you are on a strict diet which will be the truth., and you dont want them going out of their way to make anything you cant eat. Then you can decide wheter or not you are going to tell them, when you see them. My grandmother has always been anti WLS. I just came out and told her straight up and she was very supportive. I think it helped, my cousin, had had it 3 years ago and went from 389 down to 175 before her eyes. She saw he did well from it and is still doing good, and I think that helped to alleviate some of her fears for me. You have my prayers while your crossing this bridge, and you will get pass it and move on. Sandy

Hey Honey! I'm with Sandy on this one.......it may be time to show Mom some tough love and begin to put an end to her torturing you over your weight. At some point she HAS to let it go and accept that YOU have to do what YOU have to do. It may have to be as blunt as, "MOM, I had weight loss surgery. My Doctors advised me to do so in order to save my life. I've been on your diets for my whole life and NOW I don't have to do that anymore. I love you and I would like your support in this transition, but if you can not be supportive, I would rather you not talk to me about weight/diet/food at all." Just my opinion, of course, but you are going to worry yourself sick over this if you don't get it into perspective. Kim