B*tching Again

Sorry Ladies.....ANOTHER *****fest is about to begin. If you wanna skip it, feel free.....mostly I just need to rant. Ok, so Pam had a business dinner and didn't get home until 8:30 last night. I was in the shower but had put my 15 year old Dalmatian out on the deck (with the gate closed) because she'd been under my feet all night. I forgot to bring her back inside before I got in the shower (just totally forgot....BUT she'd been out there for only maybe 15 minutes tops). Next thing I know, Pam throws open the bathroom door and YELLS at me, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??" I'm like, #1, who are you talking to and #2, what is the problem?? She says, "YOU LEFT CLEO ON THE DECK AND SHE WAS STUCK UNDER THE TABLE. HOW DAMN LONG HAS SHE BEEN LIKE THAT??" Ok, I'm in such a state of shock because I am NOT accustomed to being talked to like that......especially not by her. She has always been respectful to me.........until the past few months. So, I get out of the shower dried and changed.....apologize for leaving Cleo outside and make sure MY dog is ok (she's fine).....and the mudslinging starts. It ends up with me refusing to talk to her, taking my sleeping pill and going to bed. I got up at 3:30 this morning and went on about my business. She gets up gets dressed and leaves, "Bye". "bye". I am so absolutely sick of the **** Everytime we argue it gets worse and worse now. She hates that I've changed. I hate that she is jealous. She wants the 'old Kim that she fell in love with' back. I LOVE the new me and wish that she would give the 'new Kim' a shot. I don't know why, but we've lost so much respect for one another. We say the MOST hurtful things to one another now and it's almost like we WANT to hurt each other. But at the same time, I LOVE HER. She wants to go to counseling.....I just want to go to the Holiday Inn and take a break (alone). Honestly, I really don't know what is going to happen with this......but I feel like it's make it or break it time. Every relationship goes through hard times, I know......but this is the first time that I've EVER wanted to walk away from my marriage. If you've stayed with me this long, thanks for listening. If you would, please send us some good thoughts. I'm so scared of losing her......and so scared of losing me. So much of my life is focused on my marriage and my family - that I feel so fortunate to have found, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I think people look to divorce and separation way too easily these days and it takes a lot of work to make a committed relationship last and I meant it when I said, "until death do us part".....but AT THAT TIME, I never thought I would be at this point. Thanks for listening ya'll.

(((((((((((Hugs Kim)))))))))))) Positive thoughts are most certainly going your way. I know you are both frustrated and I'm sorry that things are the way they are right now. Perhaps counseling for the two of you would be a good idea. You are both dealing with things that you need to address, and without communication its like a powder keg waiting to go off. Too, talking to a professional who could act as a mediator while you clear the air and express your feelings might help you regain some of the ground that you've lost. As much as we all hate to admit it sometimes...as we go through changes in our lives, some of those changes are great and some are not so good. I know that you don't regret one second that you had WLS, nor should you! Maybe both of your perceptions of things have changed and talking about things might help you understand how the other person is feeling. Now, is it possible that she is being unreasonable and jealous? Of course...and if that's the case and you don't forsee things getting any better...then at that point you examine things and make a decision about where you feel you need to go with your life at that point. Don't give up hon...I know things are tough right now, but maybe you can work things out. At the very least, you can re establish your communication. If you can go in open minded, without being on the defense, you may be able to accomplish great things! Any counselor worth their salt will have you discuss how things are making you feel rather than focusing in on you did this or you did that. Just as an aside, I've been trained in and have done mediation before. I feel sure that I could be an objective third party...if I can be of any help...just let me know. Love you, Becky

Thanks Becky you always know how to make me feel better! I've got a monstrous case of PMS too, so I know that is only adding to the frustration. I might just take you up on being our mediator....I knew I would get you to be my shrink !! Love you girl, Kim

You've got more grit than I do!! If I'm arguing with my SO for more than a month -- I walk! Plain and simple! If things haven't improved, then they aren't going to improve! And I've always found that after leaving if we try things again once our "emotions" have had a chance to cool -- things are never the same and it's much quicker to walk the second time at the first sign of trouble! If you want things to work out -- hang tough. Because the first time you walk, it might be tough -- but it gets easier and easier to do -- and eventually there's nothing left to hold on to. You may feel the need for some private/personal time - a chance to escape - to get away - to be your own person -- and that's fine and great and you should be encouraged to do so! If you have family you can visit -- take a short "vacation" and spend a couple of days away from each other. If she suggests counseling -- go with her and show her you are in it for the long-haul -- that you aren't ready to give up -- that you really are willing to do what it takes to make things work. You can do nothing about her insecurities -- you can only change the way YOU "fight" to take her off the defensive (or from the sound of it offensive). It's a learning process - and you both have choices. Maybe you need to sit down with her and ask her if she is willing to work these problems out or if she is wanting to throw in the towel -- let her know you love her and don't want it to go that way - but you want to be considerate of her feelings. Establish boundaries (easier said than done -- I KNOW!) and be reasonable and realistic. I admire your dedication -- as I said before -- I'm one of those people who would have walked (and I've walked so many times that I find it difficult to put up with anyone at times!) I wish you the best ~

Hey Nil Sorry to hear about your A$$hole Brother.....I have one that's screwed me over money wise too. What is it about southern women always needing to take care of ALL the men in their lives? I am actually about to be in between jobs and will have about 10 days off and am planning a couple of days somewhere, by myself, to regroup and make some plans. Money is tight right now but I figure I DESERVE it Love you girl Kim

BIG HUGZ! I dont have any words of wisdom to offer. I dont tolerate disrespect and I do not like tension, argueing and all that other stuff that goes with it. I guess thats why I tolerate my husband. He is a quiet man, hardly ever gets upset and absolutely knows better than to push my buttons or raise his voice to me. Ive left him more than once, and he knows after 25 years, he is on his last leg of our journey together. If you want it to work then you have to communicate and you very well may need counseling together. Id bet anything, Pam is already afraid you might leave . You may very well benefit from some space, to evaluate where the relationship is and where you seeing it going. ALL relationships take work, and you have to communicate with each other, in a positive way, to make it work. Nothing is solved with screaming, yelling and anger and I just think its best not to confront anyone when you feel this way. I cant say I have always done it, I can loose my cool and get off my chest, right then and there, what I need too and if I raise my voice, "oh well". Fortunately, we haven't had a arguement or disagreement in well over a year. Ive learned if I see him doing something to irritate me, I call him on it, and let him know Im not so dumb. I have him pegged, and he generally stops it right then and there. Tomorrow, today may not seem so bad. Hang in there, kiddo! Sandy

Thanks Sandy! It is so very hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes....it's like I take it and take it and then blow up FINALLY and that makes it way worse. She always has to have the last word, so lately I just quit talking and ignore her.....and let her hear herself talk. Stupid and childish, I know (and that's what she tells me)....but damn, I LOVE being happy. I HATE arguing. Throughout my Mom's short illness before she died, the most valuable thing that I learned is just how short life is......way too short to be doing this petty crap. Love you Girl, Kim

I'm another one who will walk out before I let it get that far. I stayed longer with my second husband than I normally would because the day I decided to leave, I broke my ankle and thought I had to stay with him for the insurance to pay for my medical bills. Then, as he got more abusive, I had to make plans, sneaking things out to a storage unit, squirreling away part of my paycheck, etc. to get the money to run. Since you sound like you are committed to the relationship, I would go to counseling with her. I wish you lived closer to my psychologist. He is really good. He does have an office in Cullman... Getting away to a Holiday Inn is actually a wonderful idea. Find a hotel that allows pets and you and Ms. Cleo can take a little trip. I wouldn't tell Pam I was leaving for the weekend. I would wait until she left for work, pack my bag and just leave. When Pam comes home to an empty house, she will have a whole weekend to see what it's like to be without you and what the repercussions are if she ever treats you like that again. That's just my opinion. I can live in a relationship without love, but I will NOT live without respect. I know it's a difficult decision, but something has to be done. Whatever you decide to do, we are behind you 100% and if you need anything that I can help with, let me know. We love you, Joni

That's funny that you said Ms. Cleo.......remember that psychic that got busted? That's MS. CLEO!!! Dont know why but that struck me as funny Running on empty today, I'm sure!! I try very hard to live my life and treat people the way that I want to be treated. Pam is SUCH a great person. But for some reason right now, we are both mistreating the one person that we know GOD sent to us. It just does not make sense to me. After my Mom died, I left from her funeral and went to the beach for a week. I decided to give myself one year to grieve....be wild....party .... go nuts...and that's just exactly what I did and One year to the date of her death, I met Pam. We both knew that there were higher powers that brought us together. THAT is the biggest reason that I can NOT just walk away from her. I've never been an advocate for Gay marriage (even though I'm gay.....long story, don't ask!). But when we met and I got to know her and her values, that changed for some reason. We aren't just the typical.....let's-make-a-statement-by-defying-the-laws-of-the-land Queers.....Does that make any sense to a straight person? We are not married to make a statement.....we live our lives as a married couple. I changed my last name, we have a house and property and joint money and a family. Daphne introduces me as her 'stepmother'. Daniel introduces me as his mother in law.....Ashlyn calls me KK.....because I ABSOLUTELY refused Gran-anything So yeah, I guess I am committed to making it work.......BUT it's so scarey because this is the FIRST TIME that I've even considered leaving. She is scared of me leaving and I know that's why she acts like such an ass at times......but you know the thing that scares me the most? If I leave, I lose not only Pam.......but at least a dozen other people that I now love. They only lose ONE of me. Sorry to ramble again. Love you honey. Kim

I totally understand. Leaving a partner is the same, gay or straight. I remember when I left my first husband, I was more excited about the fact that the divorce would mean that his mother was no longer my mother-in-law than the fact that I would no longer be his wife. And I absolutely grieved over leaving his little brother, who had become MY brother. And since his little brother was a minor, I wasn't able to establish any sort of visitation rights. This doesn't have anything to do with being gay. You and the person you love are not in harmony with each other right now and it hurts. I know you love her and that she loves you. Could the two of you take a week off and go to the beach and just talk? Or, could you write her a letter, telling her how much you love her, how sad you are that you and she are fighting so much, how much you want this to work and how deeply devoted to her you are and say you need to leave for a while to think about things....and then leave the letter for her and you go....to the Holiday Inn. She will probably try to call you on your cell phone. Let her leave a message. If you like the message, call her and tell her which Holiday Inn you are in and tell her to come rekindle. And if you don't like her message, let her think about it another day. Or ask Ms. Cleo to look in her crystal ball and tell you what is going to happen. I truly believe it will work out for you. I have heard you talk about her, have seen the way you two look at each other in the photos. There is a magic there that has nothing to do with being gay or straight. I'm not going to categorize people in a gay or straight category anyway. In my opinion, in this world of so much strife, hatred and hopelessness, ANY EXPRESION OF LOVE is precious and sacred. Good luck, dear heart, We're here for you, Joni Instead of beating HER up, I could come down there and pretend to beat YOU up with my walking cane. I can just imagine Pam rushing in there to kick my a$$ and come to your defense. Then you both could nurse my leg where Ms. Cleo will surely bite me for causing trouble in her house. Then Pam would spend the whole night treasuring you because she almost lost you to that crazed crippled woman with the cane. Hmmm, I think the hotel idea would be a better idea.