Am I being a Catty woman?

And the drama continues......there is this "lady" (and I'm being nice here) who has been a casual aquaintence of my SO for about 4 years (we've been together for 2 years)....let's call this "lady" Debbie. Ok, before Pam and I got together, she and Debbie hung out practically every weekend at this little neighborhood club ..... they would dance, sing, drink, flirt, etc.....along with about 10-15 other people. Debbie had been married for 15 years and her husband worked out of town. Once Pam and I got together, she stopped going to the club ..... we went maybe twice.....and it ultimately closed down. So in the past 2 years, pam's told me when Debbie's called her (about once every couple of months)....once we were invited to a party and saw her there. Ok, I'm trying to cut to the chase here.....anytime we've been around each other (Debbie and myself) there is A LOT of tension between us. Pam has tried to tell me that there was never anything between them.....but about 3 months after we got married I was organizing/cleaning and found a valentines card from Debbie that was obviously not intended for a 'friend'....I left it laying on the dresser so pam would know I saw it, but I never said anything about it.....I wanted her to know that I knew they had been more than just partying buds, but really wasn't jealous because I thought, 'if that's what she wanted she wouldn't have come looking for you'. Right? AND other people (friends of Pams) have in casual conversation mentioned that Pam and Debbie dated.....so about a month ago pam comes home and says, Guess who called me today.....Debbie.....her husband is leaving her....met someone else blah blah blah. So I listen to the whole story and in the back of my mind (don't blast me for this one) I'm thinking, "ok, I gotta start paying attention to the cell phone bill." I'm not a jealous person, but I do not trust women who are on the rebound or men for that matter. So Saturday night, we go meet some friends at a club to hear a band play......and who walks in? You guessed it: Debbie. She's "seeing" someone in the band. So of course, she pulls up a chair and joins us. I was very nice to her.....she kept going on and on about how good I looked.....how did you lose so much weight (first time ever I didn't say WLS....I said, I quit eating) Pam acted really surprised to see her so I don't think it was planned or anything like that. As the night goes on (and more alchohol is consumed).....she gets more and more flirty.....Pam was not encouraging it but not really discouraging it either.....and the people we were there with kept asking me if I was ok....I was like, "hello, I know who she is going home with".....and just kind of blew it off. I hate to air my dirty laundry in public, you know? AND I am very secure in my marriage, so it really is not a big deal to me. Pam has a great personality and people like her.....I was glad she was having a good time. We rarely go out to clubs and I was glad she was enjoying herself. Last night, Pam comes home and tells me that her boss hired Debbie as their bookkeeper. I was like, "how did she know there was a job opening there?". She says that Debbie knows one of the secretaries there and that's how she knew.....but I can't help but wonder if Pam's good word (her Boss loves her) is what really got her the job. I'm very confused over this because 1. I feel that pam left out parts of their past relationship to me (maybe because Debbie was married???) and I guess that creates doubt that she is being totally honest with me now. 2. A couple of weeks ago, Pam was a 'special guest' on a local radio show....I got up to listen and guess heard Debbie call in and was telling the host that he should have Pam on every week because she is the best in the business. Ok, what are the chances that this woman (who probably was partying till 4 am)....got up to listen to a gardening show at 6 am on a Saturday unless she knew her 'friend was going to be on there? Which means Pam had to tell her.....which means they talk more than I know about. 3. I do not consider myself a jealous person but know this type of woman....she kept telling me Sat nite , "you're so lucky Kim. You got the best one out there." And yes, I know I did and told her so. So what do you all think? I do not want this to be an issue......and am peace loving.....but I am not above slinging up in this woman's face and telling her to back off if the need arises. And without talking bad about anybody that I really don't know.....I know her 'type'. We all do. Thanks for listening to me ramble (again) Kim

LOL...Kim, no...I don't think you're being catty. You have some concerns and those concerns are understandable. Just don't let them carry more weight than they should. Talk to Pam...tell her how this is making you feel. Let her know that you're uncomfortable with how much contact they are having considering their past history. If it were me, I'd be bothered by it too. Mike had a friend that he used to date...and they even slept together...but it just didn't work out. They were still friends for a long time...but didn't see each other much. We ended up running into her one night at a club when I was doing kareoke...turns out she was a member of a local email group that I was in. So I ended up seeing her a good bit. I was friendly with her, but I never really trusted her...she just made my wierd SOM (****O-Meter) go off...lol I trusted him...I just didn't trust her. I don't know...in my book, there are just certain things you don't do...and that's one of them. (((((((((((Hugs you tight))))))))))))) Hope it resolves itself soon. Becky

Thanks Becky......I am over the SOM!!! I will have to remember that!!

If you're being catty, that's a good thing. I love cats! I have spent so much time in my life upset over crap like this. I'm with Becky. I would talk to Pam about it. Let her know how you feel. If you are feeling these feelings, there is a reason for them. I would be VERY uncomfortable with them working together. Of course, there is nothing you can do about that now. I can't imagine ever being in a romantic relationship again because I simply cannot deal with crap like that...and there is always crap like that in some form or another. I only hope that, if I do end up with another relationship that I am secure in myself enough to walk away if need be without it destroying me. That said, I am not saying you will ever have to walk away, but you are better than any past, present or future relationship between Pam and Debbie. You are a wonderful person, a true friend, beautiful inside and out. You should not have to be dealing with this. However, you are dealing with it, so hang in there and do not let it make you feel less than or insecure. Pam needs to make it clear to Debbie that YOU are the one and she is not. It's not your place to get in Debbie's face. It's Pam's place to tell her to back off. This is just my opinion, but I have spent so much time in my life worrying about some woman of her "type" who was trying to have a relationship with someone I was supposed to be having a relationship with. I should have, in all cases, made it clear to my SO that it had to stop or I was out of there. And I should have followed through on the "out of there." Pam might be enjoying the attention, but she should have told you the truth about Debbie to begin with and she needs to stop the friendship right now. It's hurting you and that should be reason enough for her to cut the ties. We love you, Joni

Thanks Joni.....I sometimes believe that a little jealousy is a good thing, actually BUT you are right that it IS pam's place to tell her to back off and I have no doubt that she would if I asked her to......but honestly, I don't know if I am overreacting here. Pam does NOT mix her words when it comes to me and us and our marriage and because of that, I KNOW that I have NOTHING to worry about. I know temptation happens and is a part of life, I guess I was just naive enough to think that I had this perfect little world.....as far as my marriage goes.....that nothing could ever touch. Hey, a girl can dream, right??? I do not believe that she will cheat on me because we both honor the vows that we took before God to one another.....but I hate even the idea of the thought going through her mind. I do plan to talk to her tonight and get everything out on the table and I know everything will be ok. Love you honey!! Kim

At this point, if it were ME in your shoes, I would have ALREADY looked this woman up, gone over or called her to meet you somewhere, and TALK At the club, I would have (as the flirting progressed) ***** SLAPPED HER INTO NEXT WEEK... I'm VERY jealous, but in turn, I'm getting MORE attention than ever and B HATES it... she is turning on me, into someone very accusing, but I know EVERYTHING about her past... I don't think it was fair of Pam to leave out "gaps" in her love-life, especially if the woman is a "local" and they have "connections" to be in the same room together once in a while. PAY ATTENTION TO PHONE BILLS... I'm sorry, you can NEVER be too careful. When it comes to love, I have a hard time trusting people, even being with B for over 3yrs, I still have a hard time trusting, and you HAVE To be on guard at all times... I know I should loosen up but G*D* you know? This is your LIFE and your FUTURE and you are TRUSTING someone to hold that in their hands, its a very PRECIOUS thing not to be taken lightly... You are not being catty honey... just be alert ok? I luffs ya Beth

If it gets to that point, I will make sure that YOU are there to have my back K? I knew I could count on you!!

YEP I'm here for ya Besides, I bet she's ugly as homemade sin huh?

Well, I didn't say all THAT ............let's just say before me Pam's theme song when it came to women was "I like my women just a little on the trashy side"

THAT song reminds me of some nameless people I have met on my journey, funny I was thinking that just the other night about that song. (no one in here, believe me) As for the other, no matter what relationship your in, keep the lines of communication OPEN and TALk about how you feel. mix some drinks, go by the pool at dusk and just talk. It sure beats keeping it all inside, and wondering about all the "what if's" save yourself some time and grief and just tell Pam how you feel about all this. Sandy