I'm a nut case...

I'm coming up on my 2 year WLS anniversary next month -- and sitting here thinking about the past 2 years -- how much has changed -- how much hasn't -- what is different about my life now -- what is not -- I can only conclude that I somehow lost my mind with the 142 lbs. that have disappeared.. Transference of habits is the worst thing that I've done -- since I can no longer eat my problems, I've shopped them, drank them, sexed them, educated them.... but they are still there... The one thing that happened in the past 2 years that should have set me over the edge is the one thing that I have been the most at peace with -- that being the loss of my grandmother back in October. Those that know me know how close I was to her - and I do miss her - but I do not feel sadness when I think of her, I simply feel peace. I stayed in Alabama for 4 years, unwilling to leave her while she was declining in health - the last 2 years she spent in assisted living over 80 miles from my home, but I still visited with her every other weekend (and if there was a holiday, sometimes more often). She was the last "authority" figure in my life - she was my "mother" - she was my salvation - and she is the reason I am who I am today. My real mother passed away when I was 14 - my grandmother stepped in and took care of us - made sure we had our homework done, that we had clean clothes and a clean house, that a warm dinner was on the table when we got hungry - she was more of a mother to me than my real mother -- and she loved me unconditionally, whereas my real mother did nothing but beat me daily when she was strong enough to do so (she had a lot of issues, and her way of dealing with them was to take it out on me -- not my brothers, but me - my oldest was her favorite, my youngest I protected from her wrath). The weekend before my surgery - I went to visit my grandmother and took her to the mountains because she simply wanted to get out of the home -- that was almost 2 years ago. We ate lunch looking out over Cheeaha and stopped at every lookout point on the way out of the park (reading the signs and enjoying the views). When we got to the last one, she started crying -- when I asked her what was wrong, she told me: "Traci, if I could go back and live my life again, I wouldn't worry if my shoes matched my purse, whether my lipstick was straight, if my hair was combed, that my pantyhose hadn't rolled down my legs, and if I wanted to ride a motorcycle, I would have, and if I wanted to go swimming, I wouldn't have worried about whether or not I had a swimsuit with me, I wouldn't have worried that my house was spotless while company visited - I would have simply enjoyed the company. If I could go back and live my life again, I would live my life like you have - do you know how proud of you I am?" Needless to say, I choked. No one in my whole life has ever wanted to be like me -- my Dad used to wish I was something that I wasn't and reminded me of that every time I was with him (which hurt so much and I shed so many tears over him -- I loved him more than life and he never could accept me for me). I have been accused several times of using my grandmother as an excuse for not moving on with my own life - not pursuing my dreams -- but I honestly did not -- I loved her, and I didn't want to miss a moment with her - I wanted to steal away as much time with her as I could. When I would walk into the room, her face would light up, I could FEEL how much she loved me by the way she smiled at me, she made me laugh at the "secrets" she would share with me on my visits, and she would occasionally get on my ass about whatever misbehavior I'd snitch on myself about. As I started losing weight, cut my hair, started wearing make-up again, started taking better care of myself - my grandmother would always tell me how beautiful I was (even when I felt ugly as hell) and encouraged me to keep going. When she fell and broke her leg - I was there with her at the hospital. From that point on, she declined and subsequently passed away 5 months later. She kept going in and out of congestive heart failure because of her immobility. She had several lung issues, so they could not do surgery on her in the end, she would not have survived the anesthesia. She elected to have a "twilight" heart stint in hopes to prolong her life, but ultimately it killed her a week later from the hemorrhaging. I remember being with her the night before the stint -- she was very disoriented, kept taking her clothes off trying to get dressed for her appointment with the doctor, kept talking to people who were not in the room -- would even whisper to them when she thought I was asleep -- telling them "shhh, don't wake up Traci. I really have missed you, and I really want to visit with you, but come back later." And when I went to leave the morning of her surgery, she told me "you come back soon, I won't be here next week." When I asked her how she knew that she told me "that man keeps telling me I won't be here next week." And sure enough, she died the next week. I was with her from the time she was admitted again from the hemorrhaging - the doctors said she would not survive the night -- but she did -- and she survived 3 more nights - they'd given her 26 pints of blood during that time, and kept her heavily medicated. When she was awake, she was very coherent - she knew what was happening - and she told me again how proud she was of me and how much she loved me. She knew before she passed that I would be carrying her at her funeral - and she thanked me for that (I begged my uncle to let the grandchildren carry her -- including me -- since I "carried" her while she was living, it was only fitting that I could do so when she passed -- it was my last gift of love to her -- I always had her hand when we went somewhere -- regardless of which family member was there - I honestly was the one who helped her - I was the one who cut her nasty toe nails [she wouldn't let anyone else touch her feet], I was the one who would wipe her nose, ass, or whatever needed wiping -- I loved her). Although I had stayed with her from Saturday night until Tuesday morning - I left to go to work because my boss was having such a fit - then went to class that night -- then called to check on her and my aunt told me to go home and get some sleep. When I got up Wednesday morning, I took a shower and was getting ready to head back out to the hospital -- but called first to check on her. She took her last breath while I was on the phone with my aunt. My aunt told her "Mom, Traci is on the phone, do you want to talk to her? Mom? Mom!..... Traci, let me call you back honey.. something's wrong!" The funeral was closed casket, and I was able to disassociate that my grandmother was in it. I remember how heavy that casket was, but I carried it with every ounce of energy I had in me. At her graveside, my aunt gave me my grandmother's wedding rings. That was when I lost it - I broke down and cried the whole way home. Looking at those rings was like looking back on her life. When she would talk about my grandfather, my father, her life - she would sit there and twist them on her tiny little hands. It was her nervous little twitch. But they were so her. It has been 9 months since she passed away -- I lost the last 10 lbs. to goal the month after she died (after having been on a 4-month plateau). After she passed away, I had to find other ways to spend the time I spent with her -- and found myself going out clubbing more - drinking more - being self-destructive (not eating, not taking my supplements, not following protocol). I met Lui the month after she died -- and when Lui left, another part of me left with him. Then I met Helmut -- and I didn't think I had anything left to give him - and stayed as detached from him as I could manage. He weaseled his way into my heart somehow -- and I honestly was a bit pissed about it when he left (it wasn't his fault). Now I sit here -- looking back at how I've dealt with everything and I realize - I've transgressed my habits. I drink too much, I "party" too much, I stay out too late, I disassociate, I beach trip it, I keep myself so preoccupied with "doing" that I don't reflect. My closets and drawers are exploding with clothes, my phone rings 10 times a night when I try to enjoy a quiet night at home, I have opportunities to "date" that I don't take... but what I want is CHANGE! I have been applying for the jobs that I didn't apply for while grandma was here -- and I'm finding that even with the degrees that I have, I still don't stand much of a chance in the real world because of my job experiences. I stay in school to keep my loans in deferral, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I want to apply for the Fulbright scholarship again (to study for a year in Australia), I want to apply for the U.S. Department of State and travel the world, I want so much -- but wonder how and if I will ever get there. There are times that I don't feel as if my life has much direction, that I've stepped so far out there that nothing will ever live up to my expectations -- and I seriously wonder why in the hell I even try. I have so much - but feel as if I have nothing. I have accomplished a lot - but feel as if it's insignificant. So I sit here and ponder -- why do I feel so lost? Why do I not feel fulfilled? Why do I feel so much more alone and disassociated from life now than I did when I was fat? What the hell is wrong with me?

Traci, You brought tears to my eyes. I wont nothing more right now that to reach out and hug you. I really don't know what to say other than I am here for you and if you need me call. I feel lost a good portion of my life. I wonder if I made the right choices and if I am making choices for the right reasons. I commend you for taking care of your grandmother the way you did and I have the greatest respect for you for caring her at the funeral. That touched me to no end. You have so much to be proud of. You continue to live your life like your grandmother wanted to live her life and I know you are making her proud. I think everyone at some point in their life feels they are in a rut. Do what you want, although you are not sure of what that is right now. There is nothing wrong with you Traci. You are like everyone else, you feel compasion, hate, disdain, love, envy, pride, all the emotions that go with being human. I love you so much for what you share with us and how you motivate us. You may not feel like you have accomplished much but to me you are a Godsend. I am proud to know you and feel your spirit. You touch so many peoples lives and I don't even know if you are aware of it. Sometimes we feel like we don't have much or have not accomplished much but we just don't know how much we have touched someone else on another level. Feel proud to know that you are an asset to so many of us. If there is anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask. Although I don't spend a great deal of time with you, you do hold a special place in my heart. You are a blessing to me. I Love you Traci! Gail

((((((((Hugs))))))))) I don't have any answers...my life is so screwed up, I don't know if I will ever get it "fixed." I'm hoping I can have WLS because I can't even TRY to get my life straightened out until I can get my health back somewhat. However, I think you should read this thing I found "somewhere." It might help you. It is very inspiring to me and you may have forgotten it...since it comes from your own profile... Marcus Aurelius "If something is possible to anyone in this world, it is equally possible to you." I awake and my soul is renewed. I forgive all faults and transgressions of yesterday's life, for the past is but a shadow of my true self. Every day I am becoming more confident and content with myself and the world about me. As a rose opens in the sunlight to reveal it's hidden centre, so the mysteries of my inner self are revealed to me every day. As I gaze at my reflection every morning and evening I am becoming more and more the person that I wish to be. Every thought I have, every word I utter shows me that I am becoming more knowledgeable and wise. Today I exercise caution in every word so that I honour myself and others. This day will find me happy and content, the world is a wonderful place filled with kind people and loving actions. My values are constantly present in my decisions, which I make with dignity. All my successes in life are directly related to the consideration I give to others, and others reward me with dedication, kindness and support. This day I will accept myself and others with all our limitations and find the good and the valuable in us all. I possess all the talent and ability I need to succeed at whatever I attempt, and I attempt much that will stretch my ability and talent to expand my consciousness and sense of fulfillment. (Back to me...) Have you thought about doing a meditation thing where you invite your grandmother's spirit to be with you. Ask her questions about what you are going through, how you miss her and what you should do now? With her "presence" there....whether her real spirit is there or not; you will still FEEL her because her spirit is within you...you will be able to remember times when she was right there, loving you, cheering you on...and as such, should be able to find the answers right there inside of you. And then, were it me, I would probably pack my bags and move to Germany. It's a shame, when they do WLS on us, that they can't cut out our mental obstacles as well. As impossible as it seems to comprehend that there is a surgery that can help me to lose over 200 lbs., it is almost incomprehensible to fathom losing the TONS of mental crap that I have acquired in the past 44 years. That will take even more of an effort to remove and fill with better stuff. And since I have spent so much time lying to myself and telling myself that so much is caused by my weight, once the weight comes off, I am going to expect those problems to come off too, but it's going to have to be a double effort. I've been making a list of over 200 things that bother me and have given them some thought now, but when I have WLS, as I lose weight, I want to take each obstacle, study it, write about it, come to peace with it and then burn the paper I write about it on....releasing it. My only fear is not having the surgery soon enough. I am afraid of dying without having lived. Hang in there, Sweet Traci, because we love you. You are so talented, intelligent, creative, loveable, funny, sensitive, gorgeous and you love Florida and my beaches down there (a true beach lover considers all beaches "mine") and you WILL figure it all out. You are beoming more and more the person you wish to be, remember? Hell, you are already the person _I_ wish to be! Love you, Joni

When I first found this site a little over a year ago, one of the first profiles that I fell in love with was 'Perry Fender' . I have looked so forward to and learned so much from each and every update over this year. Your wisdom and your willingness to share yourself with others has been such an inspiration to me. Now, as I have been fortunate to get to know 'Traci', I am falling in love with the person and not just your profile! And even if I never meet you in person (but I believe I will), I feel so blessed to call you my friend. You will never, ever know just how many times you've touched my life or put a smile on my face or a tear in my eye. When my Mother died (and like you, I nursed her to her death).....I left from the funeral and went to the beach, by myself, for a week. I cried, I laughed, I swam, I slept, I ate, I drank, I had a one nite stand (my first and only EVER), I cried some more. But the most important thing is that I gave myself permission for one year to be absolutely selfish and to have some fun in my life. You see I had spent so much time and energy dreading her death and preparing for her death that I absolutely forgot about living my life......and that's ok, I would do it all over again because the last 6 months of her life I learned MY most valuable life lessons. So for one year after the funeral......I went wild. I smoked pot, I drank, I partied, I ate, I traveled alot, I spent stupid amounts of money on the craziest things, I acted out sexually......and you know what? I wouldn't change any of that either. In a way, I think in all of the stupid and immature decisions I made in that year, I grew up.....and one year to the date of my mother's death, I met the love of my life. And even though I am having an identity crisis of sorts since WLS, I have values NOW that I know will never change.....just as you do too. You always do the right thing. You always stand up for the underdog. It is very strange to feel like a 'normal' person because I've never felt normal. I don't cringe or go the other direction in the mall anymore to avoid a group of teenagers for fear that they will make some rude comment about the fat girl. I actually stopped just yesterday in a group full of kids and asked one of the girls where she got her skirt!! See, that IS living life just as feeling disassociated is a part of living life. A while back, I posted asking what is everyone's purpose in life.............do you remember what you said? You are the glue that holds your family together. You know what? You are the glue that holds me (and all of us here) together sometimes too. You are loved.....and you love unconditionally. That is an incredible ability to have. Kim

There is nothing wrong with you. Your traveling down the road of life and every experience we encounter is meant to be a lesson. We do not always understand exactly what the hell we are suppose to learn from the particular lesson but once it clicks, we can move on to other lesson's life has to offer. I can only guess the lesson with your grandmother is much like mine. We have to take each day and value the time we do have, to listen....to love..... to forgive.... and to understand what is being said to us and to embrace the knowledge and use it in our everyday lives to help us deal with whatever is thrown at us, or to seek answer's to our question's. You feel peace when you think of your grandmother. Think of what you have learned from that experience, and apply that knowledge to things you are trying to figure out today, to guide you. Do not get overwhelmed by looking at all your pondering at once, seperate the issues, deal with one and move on to the next. Your at a crossroads and you dont know which way to turn, look within yourself for the answer. It is there, you just have to use your energy to tap into it. It souds like a cliche, I KNOW. I was the biggest naysayer in the world before I learned mediatation. I will admit I was very freaked out the first time, when I realized I was finding answer's to questions I had wanted to know for years. It made me feel more at peace and led me in the direction I needed to go and still does. I started off with tapes. Mainly to debuke the theory this stuff even worked. I was going to deliberately NOT "get into it", because I didnt think it would actually worked. All Im gonna say is the shamian's and the native american's who used mediatation often, have opened up a whole new world to me. The answer lies within you. Wheter you believe in spirit guides or not is up to each indivdual. Your spirit guide is here to help you down the road of life. Mediatation is one way you can tap into that energy. I have met mine. YES, I FREAKED and questioned my sanity when I did. I also felt empathy for those locked away in mental hospitals who state they "hear voices" for I clearly and distinctly have heard my name called many times, only to turn and no one be there. Am I crazy? Not at all, now when a patient tells me they hear voices, I listen to them more closely and ask them questions on what the voices are saying. Who am I to say, the experience they are having is not actually real. It can and does happen. The next time you are at the bookstore, look for "The Seat Of The Soul" By Gary Zukav "Using his scientist's eye and philospher's heart, Zukav shows how infusing the activities of life with reverence, compassion, and trust makes them come alive with meaning and purpose. He illustrates how the emerging values of the spirit are changing marriages into spiritual partnerships, psycology into spiritual psychology and transforming our everyday lives. The Seat of The Soul describes the remarkable journey to the spirit that each of us is on" Brian Weiss, MD Dr. Brian Weiss is another who changed my life but not to get off topic all I am saying is to try not to be overwhelmed with big picture of decision making at once, instead look within yourself to paint the picture, one corner at a time, and eventually you will finish the masterpiece. Love Ya! Sandy

Traci, I'm no expert...and not having had the surgery I don't know what its like being on "the other side", but just some thoughts that came to mind: There are a great many things that you want to do, but there are obstacles in your way. Some of the obstacles are material, i.e. the loans, some are professional (job experiences), some are psychological (you feel a lack of direction, a fear that things won't meet your expectations, etc.) I think the thing you said about feeling lost and unfulfilled and being disassociated from life were the things that stood out the most to me. You have suffered a great deal of hardship in your life. The abuse you had in your younger years understandably still pains you to this day. The fact that you were not loved and nurtured as a child has a very strong effect on you. I have found that food was my comfort...that when I couldn't express the pain I was feeling, I could always eat, and it reminded me of my childhood and happy memories of being with my family at my grandmothers and eating. You could feel her love in her cooking...and my mom's is the same way. I ate because there was something missing in me...there was a hole that needed to be filled with something, and I filled it with food. After my divorce, it was so much like a death, but the SOB was still walking around. I was devestated, heartbroken...I had poured my entire heart and soul and being into the marriage...I took care of everyone else but ME. I found that I didn't like myself very much...even though I thought I did. How could I love myself and be so self destructive? If it wasn't food, it was sex, and partying. I went through all the stages of grief after my divorce...and when the acceptance phase came through and then afterward for some time, I spent an enormous amount of time alone. At first I hated it, but I grew to be content with myself. I grew to learn to enjoy my own company. I had to learn to be content with myself...right now...not tomorrow when I start exercising or eating right, or next year, but RIGHT NOW. Did that mean that I had no ambition or desire to do other things and better myself? Not at all...quite the contrary...I got a grant to finish my degree and then worked 2 1/2 part time jobs trying to support myself as I finished school. You have poured so much of yourself into helping others...that now its time for you to do things for yourself. You won't find it in "stuff", you must find it within yourself. You are a gem that is hidden in the wall of a cave. You have great value...but you can't see it yet...because there's all this crap thats getting in the way. You must polish and clean and allow your radiance to shine. But instead of someone else preparing the stone...you must do it from the inside out. You look completely different on the outside...now its time to allow yourself to heal internally. We all love you and we see such an incredible person. We want you to see her and to love her too! Enough of my psycho babble...lol...tell you what you need to do...come to Huntsville and spend a couple of days with me...you'll feel better when you leave...I PROMISE. It can be like a retreat...and if that's not tempting enough...I know that "Mom" is here! All my love, Becky

And just what would you say if I took you up on that offer??? Went out tonight and ran into Gloria (who of course was out with Lui, who of course Gloria set up with Jennifer) and I'm feeling a bit betrayed, lost, confused, and so wanting to escape! I'm tempted to just head to the beach and chase the storm for lack of anything better to do... I just know I don't want to be here in town while Lui is still here -- and I'm a little put off by Gloria at the moment... Also found out tonight that Helmut will NOT be able to make it to Montgomery -- so who knows when I'll see him again -- **** -- I just need to get on meds! I really feel a bit out of my mind at the moment -- and that is so not like me! It's my pity party damnit -- and I'm going to bawl like a frickin' baby if I want to...

I'd say get your butt in a car and come on! The guest room is always ready. The only thing that I have going on this weekend is that wedding tomorrow. Or, if you'd rather have some time where its just girls, come in a couple of weeks...Mike's going to CO for a couple of days. Just let me know... Seriously...CRY! It's good for you...it releases tension and stress, and if I remember correctly...dopamine in the brain. Everyone is allowed to have a pity party occasionally...let yourself have it....then kick yourself in the tail and get up and get moving again!