Just some thoughts (sorry, it's long)

Lately, I'm at a really weird place in my life. So many things have changed in the past 3 years. My Mother was diagnosed with terminal Cancer and I nursed her through her dying days. I was an orphan by 30. I got out of a toxic/ abusive relationship. I quit a long held job when the Real Estate market bottomed out and took a "real job" that I ended up hating. I got married to someone that I'd only known for 6 months. I became an instant stepmother to a 23 year old and stepgrandmother. I gave up the house that I loved to move to the country to a smaller house but with more land. I decided to have WLS. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and dealt with Chronic Pain for 9 months. I lost 112 pounds. I got back into the Real Estate industry. I finally faced the fact that I have clinical depression and went on medication. My Mother's illness and death taught me so much about life and living. As much as I miss her everyday, I wouldn't take anything for the lessons that she taught me in the last 6 months of her life. She told me on her deathbed (as I was crying over the toxic relationship that was ending), "Kimberley, someone is going to love you just for you and that person who is worth your tears would never make you cry". One year to the date of my mother's death, I met Pam. Coincidence? I think not! I am so incredibly fortunate to be loved completely and told and shown every single day just how much she loves me. There is not a doubt in my mind that my Mother sent her to me. Being a stepmother/stepgrandmother is a mixed blessing in my life. Sometimes there are things that I can not understand......because I'm not a biological parent, but the good far outweighs the bad. For so much of my life, I wanted a BABY so bad. As I've gotten older I've realized that I wanted SOMETHING in my life that NO ONE could ever take away from me. I've been in therapy of some type for most of my adult life dealing with issues from my childhood that stem from growing up in a dysfunctional family. I still straddle the fence (at times) with whether or not I want a child of my own, but for the time being I am happy with the arrangement that I have. I get to spoil the kids rotten and send them home! The chronic pain from the Rheumatoid Arthritis - I didn't realize at the time - taught me a lot about compassion and why it is so important to take care of myself. Even when other people think I am selfish for doing so, sometimes I have to say, "stop and let me off. I need a break". As someone who has always taken care of others, this is very hard. Luckily, I have someone in my life that will recognize the signs of me being overwhelmed or overtired and say....."kim, you need to take a break." WLS and losing 112 pounds has impacted my life in so many ways that I can't even believe it sometimes. At times, I've regretted it (for a second) because I've wanted my old friend, food, to ease my pains. But 99.999% of the time, I know that it is the best thing I've ever done for myself. However, I am learning everyday that when you get this gift, there is a responsibility to take care of that gift. I sometimes get overwhelmed by that responsibility and want to say screw it all, but then someone hugs me and their arms go all the way around me and I am reminded of the GOOD that comes from being normal sized. My career.....I'm fortunate to be strong enough mentally and physically to withstand the extreme stress to be competitive and put my best effort forward and I know that if I don't succeed this time around in this industry that it won't be because of a lack of effort on my part. And thanks to the Effexor (3 weeks now) I am not constantly obsessing over the 'what if's' and forgetting to live my life. And I am so thankful everyday that I ended up in this industry that allows me to help people, be creative, and earn enough money to hopefully retire early and finally write the great American novel at my beach house one day! So what is the point of all of this (if you've stayed with me this long)? I'm not really sure, but I needed to get it all out and try to put things into perspective......I feel almost like up until this point in my life, I've been "preparing" for my REAL LIFE and now I finally have arrived. Ramblings of a crazy woman? That's a possibility too Thanks for listening! Kim

(((((HUG)))))) That all makes perfect sense to me. I've been having a lot of the same thoughts lately...or my psychologist has been trying to encourage me to have the same thoughts. When I moved back here, I felt like I had totally wasted my life, that it was all over and there was nothing left to look forward to and I was wondering how I was going to be able to tolerate the rest of my life since I had screwed up everything I had ever done. It never occurred to me that I could have any quality of life from here on. I just thought I had screwed up my life like the military's FUBAR (F'd Up Beyond All Recognition.) I'm trying to learn that the second half of my life doesn't have to be as bleak as the first half was. I hate that I'm just wasting time waiting on this surgery, but I have learned a lot of patience in the past year. And I have learned a lot about compassion too. I always thought of myself as a compassionate person, but I didn't have ANY compassion for people who were, I thought, lazy and didn't work massive amounts of overtime. People who called in sick often, I thought of as lazy. When I was feeling bad, I just forced myself to go on to work, no problem. Man, was I in for a rude awakening. When I got sick to the extent that I could not work, I realized and understood that there were people who were sick, who had to be out sick often and THEY COULDN'T HELP IT. I was at a point where I could not FORCE myself to go on. So, if I am ever able to regain my health, I will be a better person...hopefully. On the other hand, I might get selfish and turn into Maxine! I believe WLS is a life-changing event. A lot of things are life-changing events. We never stay the same. I thought I had totally wasted my life up to now and there was no hope for a future. I'm trying to realize that there could be some good times out there waiting for me. It's hard to wrap my mind around it, but I'm trying to at least entertain the thought that there could be some better times ahead. We love you Kim, Joni

Kim, I don't know what to say but you did put a smile on my face while reading your post! I love you girl! Gail