Need positive thoughts sent my way. I am hurting.
Here is a letter I sent to Joni. I am posting it because I need support desperately.
Hey Joni,
It is 11:49 p.m. Sorry I did not get back with you today. I have had a horrible, horrible day and have been upset most of the last two days. It is my daughter-in-law who lives next door. There are not words to describe how ugly she is to me. Today, when I went to her house to see the girls a minute, she sent the girls to their room and she told me to get out of her house saying, "I do not like you." Here is one of the emails I got from her today--and she said she was not mad. She tried to pretend Jason wrote it, but I knew he did not and he confirmed as much to me.
Email from DIL to me:
We would call and tell you this, but its early and we're not sure you're awake yet.
(Notice our attempt to change the subject matter, rearrange and start over)
The girls will be allowed to have a sleep over with you tonight and go to church with you in the morning.
You will be permitted to see them at p.m. today. No sooner.
You will take them to the early church service tomorrow morning and have them back here by mid-morning. You will not serve them lunch.
This will be the one time you are allowed to take them to church with you this summer, as we're still not sure of your motivations for wanting to take them to church. If they want to go to church in the future, Melissa (and possibly Sheri) will take them to a Catholic church.
They will go with you in the outfits/hair ties/perfume that is sent along with them. You are NOT to put any of your perfume/makeup etc on them and/or redo their hair. The way they are sent over is the way they are to stay. When you came over the other day I had to open windows after you left because your perfume made Melissa sick at her stomach.
The only reason this came from Melissa's email and not mine was because it was open.
So those are the ground rules.
Jason & Melissa
I asked my DIL what I ever did to her and she named the following:
Incident #1
When they moved next door to me a year ago last April, I went around with her as she showed her Mom the house. My DIL said I 'showed' her Mom her house.
I had cleaned the house really well, even paid someone to help me. I bought them a sofa, recliner, TV stand, washer, dryer, and refrigerator. Yes, I did go around with them as they looked at the house, but that was because:
(1) I had stocked the house with towels, wash clothes, toilet paper, soap, paper plates, plastic utensils, glasses, ice, napkins, paper towels, food for four days, liquor for her parents, soft drinks for my DIL and Jason (my son), and drinks for my grandchildren (Jason's from a previous marriage), a potted plant, dish soap, etc. They were not expecting their furniture for several days and I wanted them to have what they needed. I also borrowed air mattresses for everyone to sleep on and I wanted her to know where everything was, and
(2) I had worked so hard and it was a labor of love and I wanted to see their reaction--sort of like when you get someone a gift and you want to see them open it. That day, after I showed her where things were, I said, "Well, I guess I will leave."
My DIL said, "Good." Several other things happened that time, and I ended up in the hospital four days. She never did thank me for the things I did.
Incident #2
Last summer when the girls came down, I bought them dresses and a short outfit each. I said to the girls (DIL was present), "I got you the dresses so maybe you can go to church with me tomorrow." My DIL said that I said that in front of the girls so that if she decided to not let them go, she would be the bad guy.
Those two incidents were all she mentioned. Anyway, I am emotionally exhausted.
Another email she sent to me recently was as follows:
You expect me to have respect for you and let you do stuff with the girls and you want us to be friends and you want to feel comfortable when you're over here... here's a good start. Don't make your mission in life to have everybody think that you're always right and the holy saint and oh-my-god-that-asshole-melissa-is-doing-something-to-poor-little-jacquie again. You're an adult-act like one. Fight your own battles.
I'm sick to death of other people yelling at me because I hurt your feelings. Tell me yourself or just shut up about it. It takes a damn lot for me to get to the point of thinking, "oh my God go away I'm ******' tired of you" but you know? You've about gotten me to that point.
Anyway, as I said, I am posting this on the board because I need positive thoughts sent my way. Please remember me.
Jacquie
Geez! And we thought Christie was bad!
It's never a good idea to live next door to an in-law, but she's there so you have to deal with it as best you can. I lived next door to my MIL when I was married the first time, and divorce was the only cure. I was only 17 when we got married and I wanted to be the adult and feather my own nest and ANYTHING she tried to do, even if it was favorable, I took it as interference. Maybe your DIL just wanted to show off her house to her mama (and you know how we try to please our mamas) and pretend that SHE's the one who kept such a good house. I know, since you did all that stuff, that it would have been nice of her to thank you for it, but sometimes people don't think (especially when they are young...I didn't start thinking until I was well into my thirties, if then) and she might've been stressed over her parents coming anyway. Not taking up for her AT ALL because I'm mad because she hurt my best friend, but just telling you how _I_ used to feel when I was young. I had waited SO LONG, I thought, to get to be an adult and had looked forward to getting married and decorating my house and being grown up and then my MIL came in and took over my house, decorating it like she thought it should be decorated and I had no say-so in it. Suddenly, I wa**** with the knowledge that I STILL wasn't going to get to be an adult. Is this her first marriage? As I look back (with mature eyes,) I can understand a lot of why my MIL acted like she did. Maybe this one will look back one day and think, "You know, Jacquie did a lot for us and I treated her like dirt."
If she's Catholic, I can understand her not wanting the kids to go to another church. Do you remember when my sister was trying so hard to have a baby, before they adopted Justin? I thought about having a baby for her, but one reason I didn't was because I didn't want any child of mine, even if I had given it to them, growing up in their church...and I was Catholic at the time. It had nothing to do with my feelings towards my sister and her husband, but I did not want a child to grow up with all the guilt and humiliation I had to grow up with in that same church. This is not saying anything bad about your church, but you know how it is when you have strong religious beliefs. Maybe she just doesn't want the kids to grow up being anything but Catholic. Wonder what she would do if you offered to take them to a Catholic Church? She probably feels second fiddle anyway since she's the stepmother. I'm not saying any religion is better than the other one, but you know when you are of one faith, you do have strong feelings about it.
You definitely have positive thoughts headed your way. Or I could just come beat her with my walking cane. 
At least Jason told you he didn't write those things. What does he say about all this?
I am SO sorry you are having to deal with these problems. If there's anything I can do, let me know. That has to be so frustrating. If I had had children, I just wouldn't have let them get married because I couldn't have stood it.
I remember a friend of mine in Tampa had the same problems with her DIL. Man, that girl was HORRIBLE to her. I was with her one time when that girl just blasted her terribly and my friend was such a sweetheart. I started to take up for her and she made me stop and after we left, I asked her why she didn't let me take up for her and why she let her DIL talk to her that way. She just said, "I have to pick my battles and hold my tongue, no matter how bad I want to throttle her. Whether she's right or whether she's wrong, she has to power to keep me from my son and my grandchildren, so I just pretend she's a really bad boss in a really bad workplace and I have to be nice to her so I can get the "paycheck" of seeing my son and grandchildren."
I don't think I would have been able to have that attitude because I can't keep my mouth shut, but it made sense. Like a bad boss, her DIL did have the power to make her life even worse.
I'd just die if I had grandkids and couldn't dress them up and put makeup on them. I think that would be too much fun. I was always fixing up little costumes for Justin. 
Poor kid. I did the same thing with Alex and you know how cats LOVE being dressed up. 
Can't say anything about the perfume though since my allergies are so bad...I detest perfume and smelly stuff. I used to LOVE scented stuff and just hated it when my sister would be sneezing over something. Also had an aunt who was deathly allergic and I would wear MORE perfume when visiting her just to tick her off. Now I'm getting paid back for that because ANY perfume makes me sick at my stomach. Just walking through the detergent aisle in a grocery store makes me nauseous, so now I understand.
I don't know why MILs and DILs can't get along, but there are very few who do. I guess she does have a little value in that Jason loves her. Maybe Jason will be sent to the Phillipines on a business trip.....hmmmm. (To those who don't know Jacquie, her other son went to the Phillipines on a business trip and met a wonderful woman and married her.) Since you get along with that one....hmmm.
Well, I have to get off of here and get in the shower to go to Mama and Daddy's so I will shut up...I'm probably not helping anyway. Wish ME luck today too. No one is going to be there but me today since the others have other plans, so I am going to have to deal with it all on my own.
You know I love you,
Joni
At least Jason told you he didn't write those things. What does he say about all this?
I am SO sorry you are having to deal with these problems. If there's anything I can do, let me know. That has to be so frustrating. If I had had children, I just wouldn't have let them get married because I couldn't have stood it.
I remember a friend of mine in Tampa had the same problems with her DIL. Man, that girl was HORRIBLE to her. I was with her one time when that girl just blasted her terribly and my friend was such a sweetheart. I started to take up for her and she made me stop and after we left, I asked her why she didn't let me take up for her and why she let her DIL talk to her that way. She just said, "I have to pick my battles and hold my tongue, no matter how bad I want to throttle her. Whether she's right or whether she's wrong, she has to power to keep me from my son and my grandchildren, so I just pretend she's a really bad boss in a really bad workplace and I have to be nice to her so I can get the "paycheck" of seeing my son and grandchildren."
I don't think I would have been able to have that attitude because I can't keep my mouth shut, but it made sense. Like a bad boss, her DIL did have the power to make her life even worse.
I'd just die if I had grandkids and couldn't dress them up and put makeup on them. I think that would be too much fun. I was always fixing up little costumes for Justin. Poor kid. I did the same thing with Alex and you know how cats LOVE being dressed up. Can't say anything about the perfume though since my allergies are so bad...I detest perfume and smelly stuff. I used to LOVE scented stuff and just hated it when my sister would be sneezing over something. Also had an aunt who was deathly allergic and I would wear MORE perfume when visiting her just to tick her off. Now I'm getting paid back for that because ANY perfume makes me sick at my stomach. Just walking through the detergent aisle in a grocery store makes me nauseous, so now I understand.
I don't know why MILs and DILs can't get along, but there are very few who do. I guess she does have a little value in that Jason loves her. Maybe Jason will be sent to the Phillipines on a business trip.....hmmmm. (To those who don't know Jacquie, her other son went to the Phillipines on a business trip and met a wonderful woman and married her.) Since you get along with that one....hmmm.
Well, I have to get off of here and get in the shower to go to Mama and Daddy's so I will shut up...I'm probably not helping anyway. Wish ME luck today too. No one is going to be there but me today since the others have other plans, so I am going to have to deal with it all on my own.
You know I love you,
Joni 
Jacquie,
I'm sorry that things are so rotten for you right now! Just reading that made me tense up...so I can only try to imagine what it feels like for you. I know that it hurts you and that you're upset about it. I don't know if you're like me, but when my nerves are shot or I'm upset, my stomach is definitely affected.
Permit me to share something and maybe give you another perspective(hopefully you'll laugh a little bit too):
I have, what I call, a monster-in-law. I am so eternally glad that we live 700+ miles away. When I went to visit the last time, I referred to it beforehand as I was going to HELL...otherwise known as Iowa.
The first time we went to visit, was at Christmas, shortly after we got married (Dec. 8th). We flew in, and after we found out the airline had lost our luggage, they picked us up at the airport. We went to dinner and while at dinner I gave my MIL the formal portrait I had made, because she wanted to have an announcement in the local paper and the picture was to go with the write up. I didn't know that in IA that normally the picture is of the BRIDE AND GROOM...here in the south, or to what I had been exposed to, it was only the bride normally. I had offended her, unknowingly and unmeaningly, she kept asking for a picture of the two of us and I didn't have one to give her because that was the only one that I had made for that purpose. I did bring our wedding pictures with us where they could see them, and she ended up stealing a couple of the pictures, to use in the paper. I say stealing because she never conferred with either of us, she just took them.
Anyway, that marked the beginning of my descent into hell. It was 8:00 pm at that point, and she wanted to take Mike shopping for a suit. We were exhausted and just wanted to go to the house and we expressed that, but she wouldn't hear it, and she and Mike's twin sisters (who are 48 at this time and BOTH still live at home) drug us to 3 different clothing stores in Des Moines that were all closed when we got there. Then we made the hour drive to their house.
When we got there, we found that our bedroom did NOT have a door and we had been placed in a room directly off the living room. We asked about the door and were told that it had been broken and it couldn't be fixed. These people are realtors and buy old houses and convert them themselves into apartments, and they couldn't replace a door? PULEASE! So, we had no privacy...if one of us were changing, the other had to stand in the door.
The next few days were a series of disasters: we were drug back to Des Moines the next day (Christmas Eve Day)for shopping hell once again...this time for the whole day and into the evening. Mike's mom likes to collect things, i.e. she has little groupings of crap all over the place to the point that its just out of control, and she likes to pick up pieces at estate sales and then give them to other people, whether they like them or not.
Christmas day was a nightmare...I wasn't spoken to by her unless it was to tell me to do something. I offered to help in the kitchen or to set the table, and that was the only interaction that she had with me. I knew by this time that I had offended her with the picture, and had apologized, but it had made no difference. She had invited friends and neighbors to brunch that morning...introduced Mike to all of them, and ignored me. Mike introduced me to them. When it came time to eat, Mike's mom tried to place him next to her and was going to put me somewhere else down toward the end of the table, and Mike said no, that he was going to sit next to me...which she said okay, but you could tell that she didn't like it.
That afternoon my nerves were shot and I thought I'd go take a bath. It had been suggested that I get in and turn on the jacuzzi to relax. I thought it was a great idea...I got in, got the water nice and hot, and turned it on, and all of a sudden I was surrounded in the water with this black slimy stuff...I resisted the urge to scream, because Mike and his family were taking naps at different places in the house. I am sitting there in the water with all this stuff trying not to freak out. I stand up, let the water out, and take a shower...scrubbing myself until I am red all over.
I get out and go lay down with Mike to take a nap. He sees my face and asks me what's wrong...I tell him the story and he snuggles me to comfort me. We're laying there snuggling and he kisses me...mind you, just kissing...no tongue or anything...and all of a sudden his mom clears her throat...she's standing there in the room with us. No knock on the door...nothing...and then she pats my bottom for me to move over and she sits down on the bed!
I have really wanted her to like me...so I have bit my tongue over and over and over again. We left a few days later...after having our own "series of unfortunate events". And after holding it in for so long...I cried all the way to the airport, in the airport, and on and off during the flight on the way home. I was miserable and I thought I will NEVER go back again.
We had told them while we were there that we were not going to make the trip every year at Christmas, that we would spend one year with his family and one year with mine...which we both thought was fair. The next time it was our turn to go to IA, we had to cancel...I was sick with a bacterial infection and Mike had been hospitalized for dehydration and impacted bowels...thank goodness they didn't have to do surgery.
We did go the next year...and it was a much better trip! We cut our visit a little shorter this time and went during a time when they would be working some...so it worked out great. I had a silver photo album engraved for his mom and did a wedding album for her to have. Needless to say, I was back in her good graces. Too, this time...I didn't care if she liked me or not...I just sort of floated through...we had some time to ourselves, which we needed...so it was a good thing.
Now, why on earth did I just write that novel? Mostly to let you see the story and now give you my impressions of it.
Mike was sick as a child so his mother is over protective of him. He is the only boy and is the oldest. The family is dysfunctional and she is definitely the matriarch. She is used to being in control and everybody doing things her way. Mike has just learned over time to give in and get it over with...and I'm just not that way. I believe in my heart that she has done what she has done out of love...she just doesn't realize that its been a control issue. She is also the kind of person that tries to show her love through material things...in some cases she tries to buy the affection of others.
My desire for her has been that she realize that she has not been replaced by me, but that her role has changed. I think that a great many things that she does, she does out of a desire to help...she doesn't realize that its looked on as being intrusive or meddlesome. She has her way of doing things...and we have ours. There is a definite power struggle there...even though she doesn't perceive it that way. Perhaps your DIL sees things as a struggle...and she wants to maintain some sense of control over the things that go on in her home. Perhaps she's intimidated by suggestions that you make...maybe she's insecure and she has a need to control.
My sister has a new daughter in law...a couple of years now...and she also has a new grandbaby. I see a lot of friction in her relationship with her DIL...and I see how she works to try to not **** her off because her son gets the brunt of it...and he's caught between a rock and a hard place, because he loves them both...and he doesn't want to choose between either of them.
It is never easy between in laws I don't think. Mike is very close to both of my parents and I'm very thankful. He calls them mom and dad and is closer to them and more comfortable with them than he is his own family. They have taken him in like another son.
Things will work out...give them some time...and some space. The relationship will not improve between the two of you without work. Sometimes you will have to be the better person and take those extra steps...it may not work the first time...in fact...it may not work the way you want it at all. Maybe she will try and take some extra steps too. But if you can learn to let things go...to not let her bother you to the extent that it gets to you now...and realize that you both love your son and that there doesn't have to be a power struggle.
Hugs you tight tight...I hope it gets better soon!
Becky
The first time we went to visit, was at Christmas, shortly after we got married (Dec. 8th). We flew in, and after we found out the airline had lost our luggage, they picked us up at the airport. We went to dinner and while at dinner I gave my MIL the formal portrait I had made, because she wanted to have an announcement in the local paper and the picture was to go with the write up. I didn't know that in IA that normally the picture is of the BRIDE AND GROOM...here in the south, or to what I had been exposed to, it was only the bride normally. I had offended her, unknowingly and unmeaningly, she kept asking for a picture of the two of us and I didn't have one to give her because that was the only one that I had made for that purpose. I did bring our wedding pictures with us where they could see them, and she ended up stealing a couple of the pictures, to use in the paper. I say stealing because she never conferred with either of us, she just took them.
Anyway, that marked the beginning of my descent into hell. It was 8:00 pm at that point, and she wanted to take Mike shopping for a suit. We were exhausted and just wanted to go to the house and we expressed that, but she wouldn't hear it, and she and Mike's twin sisters (who are 48 at this time and BOTH still live at home) drug us to 3 different clothing stores in Des Moines that were all closed when we got there. Then we made the hour drive to their house.
When we got there, we found that our bedroom did NOT have a door and we had been placed in a room directly off the living room. We asked about the door and were told that it had been broken and it couldn't be fixed. These people are realtors and buy old houses and convert them themselves into apartments, and they couldn't replace a door? PULEASE! So, we had no privacy...if one of us were changing, the other had to stand in the door.
The next few days were a series of disasters: we were drug back to Des Moines the next day (Christmas Eve Day)for shopping hell once again...this time for the whole day and into the evening. Mike's mom likes to collect things, i.e. she has little groupings of crap all over the place to the point that its just out of control, and she likes to pick up pieces at estate sales and then give them to other people, whether they like them or not.
Christmas day was a nightmare...I wasn't spoken to by her unless it was to tell me to do something. I offered to help in the kitchen or to set the table, and that was the only interaction that she had with me. I knew by this time that I had offended her with the picture, and had apologized, but it had made no difference. She had invited friends and neighbors to brunch that morning...introduced Mike to all of them, and ignored me. Mike introduced me to them. When it came time to eat, Mike's mom tried to place him next to her and was going to put me somewhere else down toward the end of the table, and Mike said no, that he was going to sit next to me...which she said okay, but you could tell that she didn't like it.
That afternoon my nerves were shot and I thought I'd go take a bath. It had been suggested that I get in and turn on the jacuzzi to relax. I thought it was a great idea...I got in, got the water nice and hot, and turned it on, and all of a sudden I was surrounded in the water with this black slimy stuff...I resisted the urge to scream, because Mike and his family were taking naps at different places in the house. I am sitting there in the water with all this stuff trying not to freak out. I stand up, let the water out, and take a shower...scrubbing myself until I am red all over.
I get out and go lay down with Mike to take a nap. He sees my face and asks me what's wrong...I tell him the story and he snuggles me to comfort me. We're laying there snuggling and he kisses me...mind you, just kissing...no tongue or anything...and all of a sudden his mom clears her throat...she's standing there in the room with us. No knock on the door...nothing...and then she pats my bottom for me to move over and she sits down on the bed!
I have really wanted her to like me...so I have bit my tongue over and over and over again. We left a few days later...after having our own "series of unfortunate events". And after holding it in for so long...I cried all the way to the airport, in the airport, and on and off during the flight on the way home. I was miserable and I thought I will NEVER go back again.
We had told them while we were there that we were not going to make the trip every year at Christmas, that we would spend one year with his family and one year with mine...which we both thought was fair. The next time it was our turn to go to IA, we had to cancel...I was sick with a bacterial infection and Mike had been hospitalized for dehydration and impacted bowels...thank goodness they didn't have to do surgery.
We did go the next year...and it was a much better trip! We cut our visit a little shorter this time and went during a time when they would be working some...so it worked out great. I had a silver photo album engraved for his mom and did a wedding album for her to have. Needless to say, I was back in her good graces. Too, this time...I didn't care if she liked me or not...I just sort of floated through...we had some time to ourselves, which we needed...so it was a good thing.
Now, why on earth did I just write that novel? Mostly to let you see the story and now give you my impressions of it.
Mike was sick as a child so his mother is over protective of him. He is the only boy and is the oldest. The family is dysfunctional and she is definitely the matriarch. She is used to being in control and everybody doing things her way. Mike has just learned over time to give in and get it over with...and I'm just not that way. I believe in my heart that she has done what she has done out of love...she just doesn't realize that its been a control issue. She is also the kind of person that tries to show her love through material things...in some cases she tries to buy the affection of others.
My desire for her has been that she realize that she has not been replaced by me, but that her role has changed. I think that a great many things that she does, she does out of a desire to help...she doesn't realize that its looked on as being intrusive or meddlesome. She has her way of doing things...and we have ours. There is a definite power struggle there...even though she doesn't perceive it that way. Perhaps your DIL sees things as a struggle...and she wants to maintain some sense of control over the things that go on in her home. Perhaps she's intimidated by suggestions that you make...maybe she's insecure and she has a need to control.
My sister has a new daughter in law...a couple of years now...and she also has a new grandbaby. I see a lot of friction in her relationship with her DIL...and I see how she works to try to not **** her off because her son gets the brunt of it...and he's caught between a rock and a hard place, because he loves them both...and he doesn't want to choose between either of them.
It is never easy between in laws I don't think. Mike is very close to both of my parents and I'm very thankful. He calls them mom and dad and is closer to them and more comfortable with them than he is his own family. They have taken him in like another son.
Things will work out...give them some time...and some space. The relationship will not improve between the two of you without work. Sometimes you will have to be the better person and take those extra steps...it may not work the first time...in fact...it may not work the way you want it at all. Maybe she will try and take some extra steps too. But if you can learn to let things go...to not let her bother you to the extent that it gets to you now...and realize that you both love your son and that there doesn't have to be a power struggle.
Hugs you tight tight...I hope it gets better soon!
Becky 
Jacquie,
i could never dream of saying such mean and hurtful things to another person. I will never understand how a DIL could do that so easily to a MIL. I was not crazy about my son's wife, but I have always treated her as if she were my daughter. In the beginning it was rough and my son always threatened me with "you will never see your grandson again". Well, he moved away and I do see my grandson, just not as often as I want too. They will move back in 3 months, and as long as they live elsewhere we should be able to co exsist.
I would talk to my son, show him the email and if he denies knowing about it, ask him to call her over there and confront them both at the same time. It is obvious, she has some animosity towards you. I would ask her why and to explain herself. They can not keep the girls from you. Alabama does recognize the Granparents Law, although it is applied mainly between those that divorce and refuse to allow visitation with grandparents. My attorney told me Alabama has the law but here locally, it was hard to get a judge to enforce it. Your county may be different, the judge in your county may very well enforce it and this would probably be as a last resort.
My then 2 yr old grandson was abused by his stepmother. We went to court and the other grandmother threatned us with the "Grandparents Law", because we wouldnt let him out of the house with anyone, while the case was pending in court. Our attorney advised us no visitation between my grandson or anyone. In short dont let him out of our site until the evil biotch was prosecuted for abuse. This was how I came to learn about the Granparents Law.My attorney was right. My county did not enforce it and we didnt have to let him see her, unless it was on our terms which she finally agreed too.
Lighting candles and sending the white light your way. This DIL has so much negativity it is bound to be affecting the girls too. I pray she wises up, grows up and stops this childish nonsense.
Love,
Sandy
Oh ((((((((((((((Jacquie)))))))))))))))) I am so sorry! I am remembering you and saying a prayer for you and your family. I just don't understand how ANYONE can be so mean and say such hurtful things.....it makes my heart hurt for you so bad. I hope things are better for you soon. Love and Hugs,
Kim
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