Life is too short - the unexpected...

Since WLS, I have met so many new people. Some I have gotten closer to than others, some I know just by name and casual greetings, some I do things with on a regular basis, some call at unexpected times to catch up -- but regardless of it all, I feel a "connection" with people that I didn't pre-op - I have allowed myself to be part of "life" - to experience new opportunities, to meet new people, to laugh, to cry, to "feel" again -- Yesterday, I got some unexpected news - I half-heartedly believed it and the other part of me hoped it was bad information or a mistake -- but I did research it this morning and it is true (unfortunately). An acquaintance of mine (a "regular" at the crackhouse, someone I spoke with on a daily basis when we saw each other, someone who would always come out to the local haunt when he knew I was out just to "hang-out" and talk, someone I dated very briefly [no real "sparks" either way], someone whom I shared many interests with [scuba, law, fast cars, etc.], someone I liked as a person but not someone I would call a true "friend") was in a car accident this past weekend which killed him and a passenger who was in the car with him. Death is a "funny" thing - it affects people in so many different ways. For me, it saddens me - I know all too well it is "the end" and it fills me with "regrets" - regrets that I didn't tell someone something (like my father - I didn't get the opportunity to make "peace" with him before he passed away), that I wasn't as good of a friend as I should have been (another acquaintance whom I met 1.5 years ago - he shot himself 3 months after we met... I've always wondered if I would have been a better friend to him if he would have opened up and spoken with me about his problems/thoughts of suicide -- and have wondered if I would have been there for him if he would still be here today - and even a year later, I still wonder and think about him and regret that he felt so alone in this world that he would have done such a thing), and with remorse, I think of Brad - that he will never have another chance to laugh, to share "war" (work) stories, and to tell tall tales. My heart goes out to his family, his daughter, and his friends - because I know the "unexpected" will haunt them, that they will second-guess arguments they had with him, and that his gregarious spirit will no longer be a very "animated" part of their lives. As I said, he was only an acquaintance to me - but he did affect my life, and with his death I wonder again -- if I would have been a better "friend," if I had been there to take his keys (because in my heart, I know he was drinking when he wrecked - I knew him), to have driven him home, to have done something -- if he would still be here today... I know I am not "God" and that I am only a person - but there have been so many times in my life that I wished I could turn back time - to change a few things - to have been a better "friend" -- and I am the type of person who likes to live life not making future regrets... and I know I cannot be the "best friend" to everyone in the entire world -- but those people who do touch my life in such a way and who are no longer here -- I regret not having been there for them... I know.... irrational... but me!

Nil, Some years ago, I had a first cousin whose parents divorced when he was a child. He lived away with his mom and would come to visit his dad a few times a year. His dad, my uncle, lived right around the corner and so when Jon came to vist...we always spent time together. He was more like a friend than a cousin. As we grew up we'd run around together and hang out when he was in town. Jon was in the navy when I was a senior in high school. He was a tall good looking blond beefcake. He was home on leave just after Christmas and he called to see if I wanted to go out to dinner and dance...which of course I did! I met my first husband at that bar that night...Jon and I didn't see each other much for several years. My hubby, who was a tanker in the military, and I moved to Europe and back, and there just wasn't opportunity to see Jon as there had been in the past. There were a lot of problems in my marriage. When my husband came back from Desert Storm and looked at me the next day and said, you know, I don't love you anymore and I don't think I want you in my life anymore...I was crushed. There was someone else...someone that I knew. I came back home and saw Jon and told him what had happened. He drove with me back to Savannah to get my belongings and was a great deal of support at a difficult time in my life. Things got busy as they do...Jon worked a lot and I was in school full time plus working 2 part time jobs, so there wasn't a lot of time to visit. I came home one afternoon from class and ran into Jon coming down the driveway. My place was right next to his dad's. I stopped and we talked for about 15 minutes. He seemed a little quieter than normal, but otherwise fine. We made plans for him to come by ovrer the weekend. I never saw him again...a few days later he shot himself. I have often wondered why I didn't pick up on it...that there was something terribly wrong. I second guessed myself for days, and replayed that last conversation over and over in my head at least 50 times...trying to look for clues...to figure out how I could have not known. I wondered if perhaps he would have confided in me that weekend when we were to have met. I wondered if he would have talked to me there in the driveway, if I had only had more time...if I didn't have a huge assignment due the next day. I know the regret that you speak of...for I found it within me. It's been almost 15 years since Jon's death, and I've come to a place of peace within myself. I now know that there is only so much that I can do when it comes to other people. I now realize that the best thing that I can do for anyone else is to give of myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve...you can always tell how I feel by my eyes...they are truly the window to my soul. No, you are not irrational...you are human...and as humans we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are not meant to be able to save or effect all...but the few who we can...we do. You have touched my life...and have been there for me...and I thank you for it. For you have given me encouragement, and I think that at the end of my life, I will have been a better person for having known you. Thank you for being my "angel"!

No, it is not irrational at all. It is called learning life's lesson's. It is something I think each and everyone of us go through at some point in our lives. Wisdom does come with age. The older I get, and begin to loose family and friends to death, I often wonder the very same things. If there could have been something I should have done, would it had changed the outcome? Ive learned, probably not. Everything happens for a reason and I truely feel we are destined to experience some of these things in our lives to learn and grow from them. There are just some things in life, we have no control over and this is one of them. I live with regrets for not saying things to my mother before her death. her death was FAST, literally, here today and gone tomorrow. Liver cancer took her exactly 7 days from diagnosis. Life has a way of making you "see" things in a different perspective when you deal with these losses. I was blessed to have been given time with my sister before her death. You have to understand, we NEVER got along growing up, we never got along once we were older, she ignored me, I ignored her. She didnt approve of my husband and she felt I could have done better which she was right in that area. We didnt speak for YEARS, until I got a letter from her asking me to come see her at Christmas, in her home, in Atlanta. All of my sister's were invited, it was then she told us she had terminal breast cancer that had metastisized. I couldnt handle this information too well, it was hard but we managed to be civil to each other and she asked me to go with her to the store which I did. When we were alone, she asked me to make her a promise that she would be able to die peacefully at her home and without pain. I promised her, I would see to it. I could write a book on this experience, which I do plan to do one day. The story is long and complicated but the jest of it was that no matter how much we couldnt stand each other, in the end we learned to forgive, we learned to love and we learned that life is too short not to take full advantage of each and every minute of every day, and to say what you have on your mind to the ones who mean the most to you, while they are still with us. I had enough hope and determination that she could beat this cancer and live. It was hard to watch her give up, no matter how positive I was she would live, when she died, and I held her in my arms & cried. I was so ANGRY at her for giving up the fight and not trying harder ( my perception), at God for not listening to my prayers and healing her and at everyone who tried to comfort me, when no one could. My determination that she WOULD live did not affect the outcome as I had planned for it too. I will never forget the day her radiologist called me into his office and told us both there was nothing else they could do, we needed to go home and call hospice and spend time with each other. I was in denial, after all she was up walking and talking and taking care of herself, her cancer had not stricken her at that point to where she even looked like she had a terminal illness! How dare he say that! She was just 36 years old for crying out loud! On the way home, "Lean On Me" came on the radio, I just pulled off the road and we cried rivers of tears and just held each other. I hear "Lean on Me" on the radio almost on a regular basis since her death. I was never aware of it before as I am now and I always think of that day when I hear it. She IS helping me to carry on. Looking back I do see the whole experience did make a difference, just not the outcome I had wanted, but in other ways. It allowed her to die at home with dignity she wanted, and without pain, she feared. It allowed us to talk about our feelings and how we wasted so many years arguing and fighting over nothing. It helped us to grow closer in the end, and it gave us the time to say what we wanted to say before she passed on. It was also a lesson in KNOWING that life does not end when we leave this world. I KNOW she is with me to this day. I KNOW she is aware of my life today and what has happened to me since she passed on. It also made us realize just how similar we really were all along we were just too petty and self absorbed to see where we had made our mistakes but in the end we were given the opportunity to put everything into perspective. Had I not been given this chance, I really do not know where I would be today or if I could even function in my daily life as I am now able to do. I ended up, quitting my job, leaving my husband and children for 6 months to move to Atlanta to see her last wishes were carried out. I have no regrets whatsoever for doing that. Im sorry for the loss of your friend, it is hard to be left here and wonder about all the "what if's", but in reality isn't anything we can do about our destiny, and we all have one, eventually. Love, Elspeth!

Nil, I'm so sorry for your loss! Beating yourself up and wondering all the 'what if's" is all a part of the grief process. I hope you don't mind but I printed out your post and am going to put it on my bathroom mirror to read everyday as a reminder of just how precious life is. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, eloquent as always. May your God comfort you and protect you during your time of sadness. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help ease your load. I love you! Kim

Nil, I am so sorry to hear about the death of your friend and also to hear about the sadness you have carried after the suicide of your friend. I am sorry to say, but at one time I made a very serious suicide attempt. I took a bunch (like 60) pills and I washed it down with wiskey. Only being found by a friend within minutes, saved me. I spent time in intensive care and I also had to spend six weeks in a psychiatric hospital. They kept me that long because I was angry I survived. I know that in the moment I tried to kill myself, I was so focused on my pain that my thinking was not rational. It is a very self-centered act. I have many people that love me, both family and friends, but at that moment, I felt totally alone and did not even think of their pain. There is nothing you could have done to prevent his suicide because it is such an irrational act. Scientist believe there is something chemical in the brain that causes the irrational behavior and since I don't get suicidal when I take the medicine, I agree. I feel like I am rambling, but I wanted to let you know that there would have been nothing you could have said because at that moment in time, his thinking was faulty. I do care and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.