Just curious!!

I hear and read so much about the affects of WLS on the spouses of the patients and am just curious to know what all of you think about this. Has your spouse/ Partner/ SO become jealous as you've lost weight? Have you noticed a difference in how they treat you (better or worse)? What do you think the long term affects on your relationship will be? Are you more sexual w/ your spouse/SO? Are you tempted to cheat? Do you think THEY are tempted to cheat? What do you do or plan to do to keep the relationship healthy? Do you think they prefer you heavy or thinner? As for me, I DO think my SO is more jealous since I've lost weight. When other people make comments about me to my SO, she is extremely proud and is constantly complimenting me - so I guess she treats me better (although she never treated me badly). Long term, I think me being healthy will definately HELP our relationship to be stronger because I feel better about me. I am definately more sexual but only have eyes for my SO. At times I've wondered if she would cheat, but in my heart I know she would not (if she has plans to live to a ripe old age ) Even though Pam constantly compliments me, I honestly think she preferred me heavy. She fell in love with me at my biggest and sometimes now, I think she sees me as a different person.

I often think of this myself! I know in my heart Dale would never to anything to hurt me but we have had some words since weight loss surgery! He has never know me skinny so the effects on him had been a bit weird. He went out of town back in March for 6 weeks and when he returned he did not recognize me. He even could not find me in the crowd at the Bama Bash! It really freaked him out. It got to the point where he thought we would need counselling. Fortunately after being home a few days, things evened out. I was concerened and even reverted back to a few old bad habits for a week or two there. Eating out of stress (I still have a problem with this but working on it diligently). I have not however ever thought of cheating on him since I have had WLS. I figured if he loved me heavy he loves me thin. Now, my sex drive has not increased since I have lost weight but I think it has to do with my hormones being out of wack. I have not had the desire for sex since I was pregnant with Dakota a few years back. I have got to work on this! I enjoy sex but just really don't care to instigate it anymore! As far as being a different person, I think I am. I am more confident! I don't think my values have changed but I do stand up for myself now more than before! I hope I answered your question somewhat right as I have a tendency to get off track! Gail

Thanks for the honesty Gail! I have found that it takes A LOT more effort now to keep things healthy. If we have an argument, I tend to "shut down" and become really detached from the situation....start doing something else, go outside or whatever but then at other times, I stand up and assert myself like I never have before. I know it must be terribly confusing (.....in her mind, "damn, we are arguing....is she gonna walk away or chew me a new ass???) Anyway, I know it is a learning process as I grow and change, but I almost feel guilty sometimes because I'M the one that had surgery but she has to go through all the changes too!!

I guess that is why they say relationships are not easy. We all have to give and take a little!

I was heavy when I married, around 220, which for me did not make me look obese since I am so tall, I did look overweight but not as morbidly obese as I became. After 2 children, gaining 75 pounds or more with each pregnancy I just couldnt loose it all and ended up gaining more weight over the years. My husband has never seen me thin, because Ive never been thin. We have been on the verge of divorce for several years, unrelated to any weight issues and I suspect eventually I will get my divorce. He has cheated on me several times over the years and that just destroyed any love I once had for him. Once you destroy the trust, there is no forgiving and forgetting, It haunts you for as long as you are with that person. I will absolutely not tolerate cheating, or dishonesty and I have not let him near me physically for years. There are just too many diseases out there now that can KILL you, if you are not cautious, and he still lies to me to this day over simple things like money, and says he will do one thing, and never does it. I do not trust him, Ive had items go missing from my home, only to find them in pawn shops. He LIES about everything, and will create another lie to cover one, then try to make me think I am paranoid and just dreaming this crap up. I have a patient who now has full blown AIDS. Her husband brought it home to her. She was a nurse for over 30 years, when she learned he had cheated and gave her AIDS her entire life changed. She divorced him, and became addicted to crack to try to ease her pain and go on and kill herself and get it over with. She lost contact with her daughter and went from a successfull professional to a homeless drug addict, with a death wish. Her entire family has alienated her because of her disease and how her life has drastically changed. They dont understand the reasons behind her drug use, instead they blame HER for destroying her life, which she did do to a certain extent, but I can see how she could wake up and get this news one day and just give up on life as she once knew it too. I have no idea what I would do, if I was ever given this news. It had to be very devsastating. I have alot of compassion and empathy for this lady and her phlight! She didnt ask for it, just all happened because her husband decided to be a cheater and so careless he caught AIDS and brought it home to her and it destroyed her self esteem and her life. Her case has opened my eyes alot wider to be more aware and less careless if and when those sexual feelings ever return, for now they are just laying dormat. It really is going to take a very special person for me to feel loved and secure enough to have a close relationship again. He never said if he was for or against me having surgery. All he has ever said when I lost weight before was that I "looked fine like I was and I didnt need to loose any weight". Once I lost a susbstanial amount of weight, years ago, I started getting attention from different men, his friends even made comments he didnt like and he would do his best to sabotage me by wanting to go out to eat, bringing home junk food, and things he knew I craved and had no control over. I ended up gaining more and more until I reached 300. he was happy as a clam with me being so heavy and I was so miserable & depressed. Now, he realizes I will be successfull this time. He knows I will eventually divorce him, his attitude has changed completely. He says nothing about my weight, nothing about the loss so far, no encouragement whatsoever. He STILL asks me if I want to go out and eat every week and I politely turn him down. Last night he asked if I wanted fried shrimp, he knows I love fried shrimp and I was strong enough to tell him NO, and let him know things like this will make me SICK, does he want to make me SICK? Of course he said, no but deep down I do think he is still trying his old tricks. Im just MUCH stronger now and really at this point have no desire to go back to old eating habits, just yet. BEFORE weight loss , he was always verbally abusive and beligerant and would tell me all the time I should be glad he married me because no one else would want me. He did his best to tear me town emotionally, and he has never been physically abusive. IF he had been, I would be emailing from Julia Tutwiler Prison. We have been legally seperated for over 2 years. Last winter he lost his job, and got evicted and had no where to go so he played on our daughter's sympathy and managed to talk her into letting him come here 'temporarily" ( all this transpired while I was at work), he stays in the extra bedroom and he is not allowed near me or my room. He has found a decent job recently, bought his own trailer and now is working on getting it moved and set up. He thinks it is going to be his camphouse on the river but it is going to be his permanent home, he just doesnt know it yet. I have asked him to leave several times. I get ignored. He knows I cant stand to breathe the same air he does so he knows he better not even go there with anything remotely sexual or kissy kissy. If he does not move into his trailer, I do plan to move out. I just rent this house, and my lease has been up for over a year now. My daughter will either move with me, or she will have to do the best she can but I do plan to have my divorce papers filed by the fall. Under no cir****tances will he be allowed to even know where I end up. My daughter is just going to have to learn that she can not keep us together because this is what she might want and she will have to learn that he is just playing the same guilt trip games, with her, that he has played with me for 25 years now. So to answer your question, he is alot nicer NOW, but I think that is only because he doesn't want a divorce, he wants someone to take care of him, and he knows in a few years he will be retiring and he has no retirement saved up, he has never kept a job for a long period of time and he wants me to take care of him finacially forever and it just isnt going to happen. He is just going to have to live in his trailer, and live off his social security the best he can ( he is 49). He doesn't want a partner, he wants a caregiver in his old age, and someone to hand money to him, and Im not the one! He is AFRAID of me getting healthy, he knows my self esteem and confidence will build and get stronger and he wants me to be dependant on him, which he has never been in a position for me to say, I can quit my job, stay home and be happy. We would have starved to death and been homeless if I had depended on him. Right now, the only thing holding me here, in this town, is my daughter and grandchildren that live with me. She can not just up and move away because of custody issues with the kids dad, even tho she has full custody, still it is in the agreement she can not move away with the children without her ex's permission ( within a 60 mile radius), and so far I haven't been able to convince her to let's just pack up and leave town. Her current boyfriend has been talking marriage and if they marry then I will be one step closer to fullfilling my dreams.The day will come when she will be finacially stable and independant and not rely on me so much for help and then I can pack up my belongings and leave this town/state for good. Live my life, where I want too and how I want too and with whom I want too . Love, Elspeth!

Oh Elspeth!!!(((((((((((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))))))))))))))I'm so sorry for your pain!!!! I just want to bring you to the country and pamper you and take care of YOU!!! But it sounds like you are getting there on your own girl (and that makes it so much more worth it!!!) Having volunteered for BAO (Bham AIDS Outreach) for years and being active in the gay and lesbian community, I've seen the devestation and destruction that this dreadful disease brings to victims and their loved ones. And you are correct: SEX IS SIMPLY NOT WORTH THE RISK!! I constantly tell my nieces/ little sister/ any single woman that will listen how important it is to protect themselves - not just against unwanted pregnancies but of diseases that can kill them. I applaud you for your strength. And with every ounce that you lose, you are getting so much stronger!! You will never ever be ANYBODY's emotional punching bag again. Your kind spirit and good deeds will be greatly rewarded my Sister. You will be rewarded! I love you and I am always here if you need an ear (and come on out to the country girl, I'll pamper you like the Queen that you are!!) Kim