Am I just a MOODY B*TCH??? Really long (sorry)

Hey Everybody. I hate to be a whiney butt.....but I seriously need some insight. I've had a rough weekend (the 3 year anniversary of my mother's death).....so it started hitting me about last Wednesday. ..... not caring about anything, wallowing in my self pitty, being pissed off at the world, etc.....I didn't think too much about it and gave myself permission to feel my feelings, grieve, or whatever I needed to do. I was such a TOTAL B*TCH this weekend that Pam (SO) stayed as far away from me as she could ... due to the fact that she could do nothing right.....say anything right, look at me right, etc. Sounds just like PMS, right?? Wrong! that was last week. Anyway, I've dealt with occasional depression, moodiness since I was a teenager....have been on Zoloft and a couple of other drugs at different times for depression/bipolar disorder/chemical imbalance / or whatever catchy phrase was popular in the medical community at the time. I decided several years ago that I needed to get to the root of the problems that have kept me unhappy at times in my life......so started years of therapy/cognitive behavior therapy/12 step programs for adult children of alcoholics/ codepents counseling/church/Meditation/Hypnosis/Burying my problems in SEX (or depriving myself of sex)/whatever catchy self help programs were available at the time. Ok, so the point I am making in all this is I KNOW and am aware of HOW to treat depression/deal with emotions/channel positive energy.......my problem is, WHY? Why am I SO happy with so many areas of my life (new career opportunity that allows me freedom to be in a line of work that I LOVE AND pays good money, married to the love of my life and not a day goes by that I don't KNOW that I am loved, have lost 106 pounds and feel better physically that when I was 16, have a beautiful granddaughter, have a modest home in the most beautiful spot in the country that is not mortgaged to the hilt) and still allow myself to become SO DEPRESSED that I hate my life (at the time) and put all of the good things in jeopardy? When I am in the throes of this depression/self-hate/destruction mode......I honestly don't even CARE that I am jeopardizing every GIFT in my life that I should be thankful for. And now, on day 5 of the binge, I feel guilty as SH*T on top of it all because I've essentially 'wasted' the past 5 days, made Pam miserable ... and still don't know "how" to pull myself out of this. I am even ashamed to bring this up (even though it doesn't happen often) to my PCP or WLS surgeon.....because I don't want to dissapoint them .....yes, I get off on the fact that they "brag" about what a success I've been and how far I've come. Now, here I am feeling like a huge FAKER. I know that I've GOT to swallow my pride and Make myself talk to my DR,,,,,but I'm scared. I don't WANT to be on drugs for depression AGAIN (of course, I never wanted to take high blood pressure meds either) when this only hits me a few times a year. I'm sorry to ramble on.....but I truely don't know what else to do. Thanks for listening. Hugs, Kim

Kim, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. We all go through spells but it seems like this ha**** you pretty hard. I have done exactly the same things you have done and not known what to do and basically ended up doing nothing and it all came out in the wash. Just remember that those that love us know that we go through these things and the best thing they can do is give us some space and be there for us when we do come back to normal. I know this doesn't help much but I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been thinking about going back to my doc to be put on some sort of medicine too. I've tried it all though and the only thing that worked for me was effexor and it is way to expensive for me to even try to get back on right now and not even sure if it would work for me since surgery. You have come so far and you are a success. Just remember that please! We are all here for you. Just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and Keep on Truckin'!!!!!! Love ya Dixie

Well, Kim, my precious friend, you might not want to be on drugs for depression AGAIN and this may only happen a few times a year. That said... I lived in Florida, owned my own home, had a job that I loved, had a home business that I loved, was healthy, enjoyed my life, had FREEDOM from the past in that I was away from all the bad memories in Alabama and was so happy that I had finally escaped Alabama FOR GOOD. I wasn't particularly taking my meds and I got involved with a man who was very bad for me, a man I wouldn't have even looked at twice if I had been in my so-called right mind, and I let him take me for every dime I had and could borrow. He hurt me so bad that I just lost my mind. I was put on disability because I could no longer function at work. Instead of working 60-80 hours a week, I wasn't able to do my basic 40 competently and I started losing everything. I tried to refinance my house to try to save things. Then that achiness in my legs started getting worse and I went from being healthy to being crippled, I lost my house, I had to move back to this hellhole and now I am facing bankruptcy, foreclosure, my health is gone, I am living right back where I swore I would never live again as long as I lived. Florida is gone. Everything is gone. And this financial mess is so overwhelming that I don't know if I will ever get out of it. I am in pain all the time, mentally and physically. If I had been taking my medicines correctly or if I had gotten help THE VERY SECOND IT STARTED GOING DOWNHILL, I would not have gotten involved with that man, would not have put myself in financial jeopardy for him, would not have lost my house or Florida. If I had not refinanced my house, my mortgage payment would have been low enough that I could have survived when I went on disability. You don't have to bring this up to your PCP or your surgeon. If you have to have a referral to a psychologist, then just tell your PCP you're having some depression and would like to see a psychologist. You will also need to see a psychiatrist too so you can get on some meds. Be sure and tell them you have had WLS so they will know what kind of meds to prescribe for you. You will need both a psychiatrist AND a psychologist so you can get meds and talk things out as well. This is your choice, of course. You don't have to do anything. You can jus****ch it all fall apart and lose everything you have. But I love you and I hope with everything in me that you are smarter than I was, that you forget the embarrassment or shame about mental problems. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you have any other ailment, you go to a doctor. This is a medical condition that can be controlled. When I think of all I have lost because I didn't take care of my mental health enough, I get sick to my stomach. Even if I have WLS, I will never be able to regain what I have lost...never. My health has gone downhill enough that I will never be able to work again and even if I could, my credit will be shot for at least 10 years because of the upcoming bankruptcy and foreclosure so buying another house will never be an option for me again. You have a chance to stop this before it goes any further. If I could go back to the point where I could have stopped what happened to me...oh my god, you know I would do it. I could have saved everything if I had just realized how important it was to take good care of myself, mentally as well as physically. Admitting you are having some problems will not disappoint anyone. To hell with anyone else. YOU are the one who has to take care of YOU. Trust me...when you lose everything in your life and you need help, there will not be one soul who will come to your aid. I have called charities trying to get help with my basic household chores. You have no clue how many people have said they would come and help me. They never show up. If you saw the clutter in this apartment that I cannot do anything about because I cannot stand on my feet... I'm rambling on too, but this is so important. Please Kim, please do not do what I did. Please take care of yourself. You care about me, don't you? If you could go back in time, even though you didn't know me then, but if you knew that you could go back in time and tell me to get help when I needed it....would you? Would you think I was disappointing people? Would you think any less of me? Would you have helped me SAVE MY LIFE? That's what I am feeling right now. I want to BEG you to not do what I did. You have so much going for you. Please get the help you need. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is a medical problem that needs addressing and CAN BE FIXED. I love you, Joni

Kim, Snap out of it girl! Too many people love you to watch you do this to yourself. You May have a serious disorder and you most likely need medication for it. Why do you not want medication to help with your problem? Why are you afraid of telling your doctor you have a problem? The stigma? Girl, I come from a family of bipolar people. My grandmother, father, uncle, and older sister are all bipolar. If they don't take their meds, I kick their ass because I am sick of their excuses. Go to the doctor Kim, get some help and don't push those that love you away from you. Just because they love you don't mean you can't run them away. I am not trying to sound unloving or unsupportive here but you have a problem. Obviously you realize it or you would not have posted here. I only want the best for you so please do what is necessary to get yourself healthy. Just because you are thinner now does not mean you are healthy. Being healthy is a total body experience and that includes your mind and soul. Please go to your doctor for you, your health, and your relationship. I really hope you don't think I was being mean here, ok maybe I was a little but I wanted to get your attention. Now that I got it, Gail

Kim, Anti depressants do help to a degree but mood stabilizers would help you even more. My case in point. My younger sister is very much the way you described, she can turn it off and on like water. When she hits a low she is as you described. After 25 years of living this way she was finally diagnosed as bi polar and with mood stabilizers is a completely different person. Our family has a history of bi polar disease, our older sister was diagnosed in the 70's and with the right medication she has led a good life without having to be hospitalized. It is just a thought, and something you may want to look into. I hope things turn around for you soon! I know we dont always want to take more medication but with this disease it is imperative to have the right medication prescribed, and to take it. It does mean a world of difference. Maybe it is time to adjust the meds you are taking since they do not seem to be helping at the moment. i dunno, Im not a doctor, I just play at work Love, Sandy

Thanks All. I'm feeling somewhat better today.....I think it helped just to get it all out. I've got a doctor's appointment next week. Hopefully between now and then, I can get up the courage to 'bring it up'. Thanks for all of your responses. It makes me feel better just knowing that you care Kim