HELP Sleeve 2.5 years ago, depressed, gaining weight, terrified. Warning VERY long
So I had my sleeve done September of 2015 and things went awesome. I was separated from my husband at the time and while I was losing weight the divorce was final. I became a single mom of our three kids and felt better than I had in my entire adult life. I lost over 100 pounds and truly felt like I had good things ahead of me.
Within the last year I left my long time job for something that was supposed to be better. In that year I have had around five jobs. Yes five jobs. I'm far worse off financially than I have ever been and stressed beyond belief. Also in that year I met and dated a man who dumped me and devastated me. We rekindled that relationship last summer and have been together ever since so that has been a roller coaster.
I've dealt with depression and anxiety all of my life and been to therapy and taken medication for over 20 years. I don't know what has happened but in the last few months I haven't been myself. I am beyond depressed, anxious and exhausted.
On top of all of that I am gaining weight. I noticed I had gained a bit a few months ago. My long term job that I left had me walking at least ten miles a shift and I was working out on top of that and eating well. I went from that to a job with little to no exercise and stopped working out. Then I started getting hungry again and eating things I would never have eaten just a year before. I had completely cut out bread and very, very rarely ate sweets. Once in awhile if I was in a social situation with people who didn't know about my surgery I would eat a couple of bites of bread and it really hurt my stomach so I stayed away from it.
I could eat a greek yogurt and be stuffed. I could eat a hard boiled egg and be stuffed. I didn't feel that old hunger that I felt pre surgery. Well now it's back again. I don't understand what changed. I am pissed off and scared because I feel exactly like I did three years ago. Like a weak fat pig who is once again completely overruled by food. Even just a year ago it was so easy to say no to bread or to eat just a tiny bit of whatever I was eating. Now I am back to feeling like I can and need to eat and eat. What happened and what is wrong with me??
I purposely have not weighed myself because if I see the number I will freak out more than I already have. When I first realized I had gained probably 8-10 pounds it freaked me out and caused me to think about nothing else and I ate even more. Then I got even more depressed as the weight crept up and my financial situation and job situation got even worse. It has all been snowballing and here I am.
I just tried on my wardrobe from the wonderful new job I took last April when I left my old job. The job that was supposed to change everything for the better. I had never felt better mentally or physically. That job turned out to be a terrible mistake and the clothes won't even fit on my disgusting fat body anymore. I am so depressed and feel so afraid and out of control.
What do I do? Please, I beg of you do not be har****ruly cannot take it. I am broken and down more than I have ever been. I am seeing my therapist when I can and go to my doctor monday to try a different medication. Every day I tell myself I will eat right and exercise but every day I am exhausted and don't work out and eat crap. I am waaay worse off financially so I need to find cheap and easy low carb protein dense foods to eat.
I cannot and will not let this get any more out of hand. I worked so hard to get to wear I was but I feel like it is out of my hands again. There have been only three times in my life that I didn't feel ruled by food and that was when I was on phen-fen , when I was pregnant, and for about two years after my surgery. It was like whatever it was physically and mentally that made me need to binge and overeat and obsess over food was gone all of those times. People say it's just head hunger and I know that is part of it. However I can tell you that the physical hunger was gone those times in my life too, I just simply was not ruled by food. Now I feel like I am again.
So how do I go back and win this fight with nothing but willpower? Willpower is what failed me and got me to 300 or so pounds. I feel like I went through surgery only to be back in the same boat I was in and that was my biggest fear. Am I such a pig that even surgery cannot cure my hunger?
If anyone hung in here and made it to the end of this rant, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am going to drag myself to go for a walk even though I am tired and want to sleep. I also forgot to mention that I am severely anemic and haven't had the insurance to be able to get the IV iron infusions I need so that is so not helping with my tiredness. I know working out will help but I'm so depressed and tired I can't get myself to do it. The anemia and depression has me feeling like I'm made of lead. I just want to be like I was this time last year full of bouncy energy and so hopeful.
WHOA! That is one tough year!
I am sorry about the job. Is there any way you can ask for your old job back? If you left on good terms maybe it would be a possibility. Never hurts to ask and find out.
The majority of the out of control eating is head hunger. We all experience it. Everything in your life seems out of your control right now and in the past a majority of us used food to suppress our feelings. Try making yourself a regimented daily list. Examples :
8:00-8:30 am Breakfast
9:00 - 10:00 walk
10-12 job applications
12-1 clean house
1-2 food prep for the week
2-3 clean and re organize a closet or another decluttering project
3-4 play ball outdoors with the kids
Have something every hour or 2 on the list. Also include exactly what you are going to eat and at what time. Just stick as closely as you can to that list. It is like putting one foot in front of the other. This should and will help you get back into a routine. Pre-planning and measuring your foods in advance will be a key factor.
If you are out of work can you collect unemployment? You mentioned that you are a single Mom with no income so you should be able to get help in your state with insurance with the preexisting conditions with the anemia.
These are just suggestions and hope that they help
