I'm officially one of those people I SWORE I'd never be...

When starting my research into weight loss surgery back in 2008, I always wondered about those people. You know, the ones who went through all the trouble, pain, etc. only to GAIN the weight back? Why would you go through all that and then be weak/stupid/lazy enough to gain it back? I am now that person. I had RNY on September 20, 2010 at 318 lbs. I lost 120 lbs. I am now back up to 258 lbs. Technically I still FEEL ok and don't have the health problems that I did pre-op (GERD, diabetes, hypertension, foot problems) but I definitely don't look the way I did at my lowest (which was NEVER goal, by the way) and I no longer fit into any of my clothes. I have now have 3 pairs of pants that will zip up. I dread spring/summer as I have nothing to wear this year. Everything has moved from my closet into my "too small" boxes which now have taken over my closet. I can honestly say that I never learned to "work my tool". I ate what I was supposed to at first. I stuck to the 2 oz., high protein, low carb, low/no sugar. Then I moved to allowing myself "just a bite". I never got in a religious exercise routine. It snowballed from there. Now I'm back up to 258. I'm ashamed. Terrified. Fed up. Embarrassed. You name it. 

I've recently joined weigh****chers and joined a gym and have been going to water aerobics...at least I went last week and this week. Self control and will power are not things that I possess. I don't know how to change my HEAD. I know that is where my real problem lies. 

Looking for some support and some new friends who can understand where I'm coming from. 

i hear ya. My surgery was Sept 2011 and I am finding myself out of control. I am thinking holy crap, although expected to some degree, I am shocked that it feels like I never even had the surgery in the first place. that is why I am back on this website and group support. I think that if I review others post and struggles, it will help to motivate me to get back on track, lose the weight I have regained and stop the cycle. 

I am also seeing an eating disorder specialist. I have identified that evening binges are my biggest problem and highly associated with TV. I addressed that by taking hot yoga classes in the evenings to some degree however, due to recent cardiac problems, I can't do that anymore. So, back to the drawing board. The counsellor indicated that some people find it helpful to get EMDR that has shown some efficacy in eating disorders even though it is usually geared to people with post traumatic stress disorder. 

Have you thought about going to the local WLS group meetings? It may help. Also, you are doing the right things by going back to the basis. Also, the exercising in the pool is a great thing. I'm motivated by your openess to share your story. Don't be embarassed. Everyone falls off the wagon. There are many people, within this forum, who have fallen off and gained weight. Me included. I'm going to the doctor's office on Monday. I'm going to ask for help. You should do the same. You did a fantastic job in losing 120 lbs. Just ask for your doctor and NUT's help too. I'll be there for you too if you need help. We can help each other and anyone else who is going through this too.

What an awesome post!  While I've only gained 12lbs, which some I believe to be muscle because I have been working out consistently 4 days a week for the past year and a half and lifting more recently.  I have noticed my eating is beyond out of control.  I eat all the wrong things.  I once read in one of the posts on one of the forums here before that WLS is a temporary fix and we didn't get morbidly obese because we didn't like food or have any other issues with food.  Thus, the problem still remains.  I've recently mad an appointment with my surgeon and also plan to attend some WLS support groups next month.  I really need the support.  

I see you posted this last year...I could have written your post.  Im wondering how you are doing?  I have gained 30 pounds since December...and like you said....the problem is in my HEAD.  

Wondering if you got a handle on it or still looking for those of us who know what your going thru.

Kellie

I am so there with you! Just one bite! HA! I can almost eat anything now 5 years post op then I could before surgery. I've gained back about 55lbs of the 100 gone too :(

I just started back on this forum today and signed in for the first time in about a year.  Now 2.5 years out from surgery, have gained 10 pounds back after reaching my goal, and it is SCARY!  I go to a local WLS group, we meet monthly, but this board is available every day for me.  Gonna get back on track with my food and up the exercise.  

I am so sorry to hear about this. Although I had the sleeve I am in the same boat as you. In fact I held off for years on WLS because I was so afraid of becoming one of "those" people.

Like someone said below I too am shocked to find myself less than three years out feeling like I never had the surgery in the first place. I was and am well aware that you have to make good choices and all of that. The reason I had surgery in the first place was because I was always hungry and never felt satisfied, I was ruled by food. For a good two years after surgery that was gone and I felt like I imagine a normal person feels and it was wonderful. I could not for the life of me understand how someone could "let" themselves ever get back to where they used to be.

I cannot pinpoint when things started to change. I never knowingly decided to push the limits. I never decided to try to binge and see if I could. Little by little I just found myself hungrier and hungrier. The half a greek yogurt that used to make me stuffed no longer did the trick anymore. Then as I started to get hungry again I started to feel like something was wrong with me, like I was literally a big fat failure. Then rather quickly food became front and center again in my life. The prior two years food was just food, again like I imagine a normal person relates. But now once again I spend my life thinking about how I cannot eat and how I want to eat. I'm constantly thinking about how fat and disgusting I am and how I am a completely failure.

I mean after all how does one get their freaking stomach cut out for god's sake and yet still manage to overreat? I am so deeply ashamed and disgusted and ffing angry. I would not change the fact that I had the surgery but I do not feel like I was made to truly understand that someday I would be back to the messed up way I originally was.

I have no answers and I probably just made things seem more depressing. At this point in my life I truly believe there is something wrong with me that can be switched on and off because I have felt the difference. When I was pregnant I was never overly hungry. I would eat till I was satisfied and be done. I swear as soon as I had my children I went back to feeling like I felt before, as if a switch was flipped. The other two times I didn't feel ruled by food where years ago when I was on phen-fen and then the two years after my WLS. So I don't believe it is all "head hunger" and willpower. Yes I take responsibility for my actions but I truly believe there is something going on physically that needs to be taken care of. I am so sad because I thought I had finally taken care of that for good.

Best of luck to everyone. Wish I had something that would help.