Bulimia...

So I'm about 3 years out from my Vertical Sleeve Surgery and I lost 157 pounds. This past year I had a breast lift and full body lift. I LOVED the results, but had to move back in with my parents during the recovery time. While I was there they "spoiled me" with junk food that I knew I shouldn't eat, but figured I was recovering for such a short period that it wouldn't matter in the long run. I also stopped exercising while I was recovering, but didn't think much of it because I looked great. 

It's been about 10 months since surgery and I'm still feeling a tad sore during physical activity, but nothing crazy. Unfortunately, I've had a horrible year filled with devastating family members dying and difficult personal relationships. I've found myself getting really depressed and eating crap to feel better I guess. Once I eat, I feel so guilty from ALL I've done to get to this new "Me"...so I've started to purge after eating. It is getting worse and worse and I feel like I'm lying to everyone. Strangly, it feels like the only thing I have control of in my life and I'm starting to binge and purge on a regular basis. The worst part is I've gained about 15 pounds back by doing this. I'm scared I've stretched my stomach and ruined the results from my surgery. I'm scared I can't stop eating on my own and am addicted to carbs again.

I'm wondering if ANYONE has any experience with this, and knows of any safe way I can go on some type of diet to "reshrink" my stomach and get back on track. I refuse to lose the results I've gone through so much to obtain, but I feel so lost. I know it would be veey easy to judge me, but please don't. This is the first time I've admitted this to anyone, but this forum has helped me so much throughout my journey, that I figured I'd come back to the basics and see what I can do to get better....

Hello!

You have taken the first step to healing this problem -- congratulations! You have admitted that there IS a problem.

I think that so many of us feel somehow that we have to be perfect, that it is a failure to admit that we are having problems -- but, for those of us with a history  of eating for emotional reasons, we may 'deny" to ourselves that there may be problems, and by hiding problems from others, we heighten the hiding, not giving ourselves the opportunity to hear perspectives other than our own guilt- and shame- ones! But today, you have wisely torn yourself away from that trap. And it IS a trap.

I see several things here. First, it is very interesting indeed that your parents "spoiled" you with food. To me, this indicates that there may be some "issues" in your important relationships -- with your parents -- regarding them and food. I do not know specifically what they are, but it might be a good idea to consider talking about this problem with a psychotherapist who specializes in WLS patients and/or family issues.

The second thing is that you had the thought that eating this way would not be harmful to  you in the long run, and the fact that you were recovering from surgery somehow made it Ok to eat junk. This kind of thought is my own personal "favorite" -- giving myself "permission" to eat because "a little bit won't hurt me". Well, many, many, many "little bits" later, I am a hundred pounds overweight!. I am learning to really cultivate respect for those "little bits" (as well as the fact that I am very very good at forgetting that I ate them,so it is easy for the next time I am faced with "just a little bit", I eat it without really thinking about the consequences of adding this bite to one that just recently took place...)

I am learning that it is not uncommon for WLS patients to develop new maladaptive behaviors,  like alcoholism, or in your case, purging. So you are NOT alone, and it is wonderful that you are willing to talk about it!

Exploring these things with a psychotherapist with experience with WLS patients, and/or who understands family interaction dynamics would be very helpful at this time, I suspect. Your longterm health and wellbeing is so worth it! Also, I am reading a very helpful book called The Weight Loss Surgery Workbook, by Doreen A. Samelson. Even though it's focused on presurgery patients, the inforamtion in it is very wise and I think applies to everyone! Her discussion and exploration of what she calls "cognitive triggers" -- the thought habits we have that lead us to have unhealthy eating habits -- is especially helpful and is helping me to identify my own triggers, as described above. I would recommend this book to you.

Hang in there! Does your surgeon's office have an affiliation with support groups, psychotherapists, etc etc? Take advantage of these resources -- that's what they're there for!

Please stop hiding. continue to find safe places to share. Weight issues are amazingly complex, I think. The surgery merely addresses the mechanics of weight loss, and does that very well, as you have demonstrated, you have had great weight loss success! -- but surgery does not fix less-than-healthy patterns in important relationships, or destructive thought patterns. Only WE can do those things -- but, again, fortunately there are great resources out there to help us with these concerns.

Please, make an appointment with a psychotherapist, go to an OA meeting. You do not want to delay, because the purging could possibly damage your surgery sites -- you are already concerned about this. That is a good thing that you realize this. I would also strongly encourage you to tell your doctor or surgeon.It is time to activate your support system...

Let us know how you are doing. We are in this together!

==swizzlequeen.

to tell you the truth i have the same problem lost 50 pounds in no time i feel great and look great as my husband says but i know i am doing this and i cant control it i dont know what to do but i dont eat much really i eat less then my 2 1/2 year old eats and refuse to keep it down at times i am stuck

Dear Rebecca,

 

I struggled with this for about a year now, and tried several options to try to get better, but I started to realize a pattern. I wasn't a "normal" bulimic who was doing this merely to lose weight, I realized I did when I was depressed and felt out of control. It was like throwing up was the only thing I could control. My cousin was murdered about a year ago, around the same time this started, so I finally put it all together and went and saw a psychiatrist instead of a bulimia specialist and through counseling and starting an antidepressant I feel 100% better and I no longer vomit. I work out daily and and back to my post surgery diet. I feel more in control of my whole life, so I don't need to vomit. I've actually lost 6 pounds since I started about a week and a half ago. So the diet does work without vomiting. I'm not sure if this helped at all, but good luck and don't be afraid to ask for help. No matter how good you look bulimia will end up killing you and I'm not sure if you've had WLS or not, but if so, I think we all did it so we could live a long healthy life. Especially if you have a wonderful 2 1/2 year old, who loves you, and wants you around as long as possible. I really hope you find help. It was so hard for me and I hated feeling judged and isolated. You will find your way. Just trust yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. Figure out why you are vomiting, and then find a different way to handle that problem. Let me know if you need anything.

 

What is Bulimia? you eat and then you actually make yourself throw  up? what is the purpose?

Is this when you overeat and throw it up to get rid of it before your body takes it and turns it into fat?

Sounds horrible!! And very un healthy for you, kinda like the opposite of Anorexia?

May I ask which antidepressant work well?  I am thinking of taking Celexa.  I have gastritis and I am throwing up a lot. Glad you are better!

I tried Viibryd, Which I really liked at first, but started having horrible nightmares, so I'm weening off of it. I'm not throwing up anymore, so I'm going to try it without anything and just sticking to my post op diet. Good Luck!!!

I have not been bulimic but was just diagnosed as Anorexic.  For me, the fear of regain has led to a continued restriction in the amount of calories I eat and the amount of carbs I eat.  Its a control issue as well, my job isn't going well and I have a very dysfunctional family so the only thing I know how to control is my weight.  While I haven't thrown up, it's hard since surgery, I do also abuse laxatives.  Again, as someone said we have a tendency to other addictions and this is what happened to me.  I am working with a therapist now and hoping I can actually put on some weight and not have it freak me out.  Good luck to you and please seek out some help.