Self loathing over bad habits....

Help me. I am feeling a little outta control with my eatting. I am thinking about food all the time. After I eat and feel full I am fine, but the minute the "hunger" returns I am right back in front of the fridge.

Ugh....will this ever end?!

I have not regained YET, but I have stopped losing and I am only 10 months out!!! I don't want to mess this up. How can I move past this "hunger"? I WILL not allow myself to **** this up. I will fight it until the end, but I need help.

My husband doesn't understand why I am worried. He says I eat so little that I will be fine. What he does not understand is that I eat little bits of food ALL DAY LONG!  I am staying away from carbs and eatting lots of protein, but  I am consuming a lot of calories. I am restarting at the gym to help counter-act the calories and keep myself busy so the boredom eatting will stop. I have select times that I notice I eat more. I am trying to find other things to do during those times but it is still SO HARD.

I am frustrated, scared, self loathing....

I am right there with you.  I am now 13+ months out and all I want to do is eat.  My weight is fluctuating by about 5 lbs.  I am struggling so much to not continue to gain.  I go up 5 lbs and then I go back to the old diet patterns.  I am trying to stay with the protein first thing but I am craving carbs so bad.  I eat then starve just to keep from gaining any more.  My honeymoon is way over and now the struggle begins.  I pulled out all my old journals from the past year and a half to review what I have learned and apply the same principles that I used early out to get me back on track.  I struggle with believing a certain food (carbs) is bad.  My therapist is concerned because I do feel that carbs are "bad."  For me personally they are addictive and everytime I have introduced them back into my diet I lose control.  Keep coming to the boards daily and seek support and inspiration here.  That does help me when I feel out of control and alone.  We can beat this but we need to get support from those who have been where we are now.  Good luck!  Shelli

Thanks for the post. I also feel carbs are bad. I have a problem with portion control mostly. I like to eat little bits of food ALL DAY. If I'm awake I wanna eat. I think I need a shrink...

First of all, let me give my stock answer and suggest that you pick up the Beck's Diet Solution Weightloss Workbook.  I've writtn a lot about it and won't repeat it now--just look at my other posts for more info.

I can't find the passage in the book that speaks directly to your problem, but one of the things Dr Beck suggests is that we be kinder with ouselves.  If you are facing a difficult problem --with eating or anything else--how would you suggest that a friend handle it.  And, how would you react towards your friend.  If you are like me, we are oftentimes more harsh in dealing with ourselves than we are towards others.

If you are having feelings of self-loathing, I wonder if you are becoming clinically depressed.  If so, you may want to see your primary doctor to be temporarily put on a mild antidepressant.  If you have a therapist, contact them.  I know this sounds scary and I've been there many times in the past.  I'm manic-depressive and was originally diagnosed as suffering from depression.  I resisted meds but it ended up being a major help.  Unfortunately in my case, it took them 10 years to realize that I'm really manic-depressive.  Treatments in mental health have advance tremendously over the last 20 years.  You may be able to get a copy of Dr Aaron T Beck's book, Feeling Good -- the New Mood Therapy in a library or in paperback.  He's the founder of cognitive therapy and the father of Dr Judith Beck who wrote the Beck's Diet Solution.  There's a simple test you can take in the beginning of the book that can assess your degree of depression.  I suggest that you write your responses on a piece of paper so you can take the test repeatedly over the years.  Granted, if you take it too often, it will lose it's effectiveness.  Contact me if you have further questions.  I'm not a professional, but I've been dealing with these problems for a long time.  The Beck's Diet Solution has set me free.  I'm not perfect and I still make occasional eating mistakes, but I'm no longer eating constantly which is something my wife sees as a minor miracle.  Bob

Bob, THANKS so much. I was treated for mild depression in high school and then again after having my son. They said it was "post partum", but he is 4 now and I still have the depression on and off. I will look into what you suggested. :)

I'm going to pick up the book too.  I'm 2 years out and feel like I'm eating all the time and I'm definitely eating lots of carbs.  I haven't gained, but it can really only be a matter of time -- not to mention the horrific guilt I feel. 

 I have Becks on my ipod and it helps bc i can turn it on and try to work through driving home when I get those french fry attacks.

I am in the same boat! I had my surgery January 2005 and my lowest weight was 150 from 318. I proudly  maintained 150-155 until March of this year. I have put on 20 pounds and I am scared to death. I was eatting a lot of carbs and junk. Then I got back on track so I though and was eatting lots of protein but like you a lot of Calories. I was going to use Karen B's Time out which you can find on here, but I think I am going to get the book first.   I am already being treated for depression.  And I am all of the above, frustrated, scared and very self loathing. I feel so fat and out of control yet I am still a size 12, but I want back in my 9's and 10's.

Oh my josh, I came to find someone that is in the same shoes I am in at this moment. I have come to realize I need help. I think I going to see a pchych. I know I have big issues with food. I think about it all day and like yourself I eat all day a little bit but all day, I think I am a step ahead from you, I also eat carbs and every weekend drink... ahhh I am so mad at my self. Why do I put myself in this situation. I so hate myself, but I know is much more. I have lots of issues right now with body image to being an attention hore. I can't stand the fact that I eat all day a little bit. I want to keep in touch with you. Maybe we can help our self and really just try to eat 3 times a day with 2 snacks..... I wish i can be strong.... Monday I will need to promise myself and do some deep digging to settle this. I really wish you the best. All I can say that we put our-self in these situation and we need to get out fast.

oh thank goodness, I am not alone!!!  I stopped losing weight 6 months out of surgery
I think I am a failure!! All the people in my support group are losing, losing, losing and never
hungry only it little portions!! I have never felt full! I am always hungry, I accused my surgeon
that he didn't do the surgery right!! I know that was a bit extreme, but I wanted that full fealing
and I wanted to say for the very first time in my life " Im not Hungry" But I don't think those words
will ever come out of my mouth!!  I just ordered the Beck Book, I've been to pchych with no help
and then my husband lost his job so I can't go back and change to a new phyc.  so hopefully
this book will shed some light or get to the root of my food addiction. thanks for posting.