Fear of Eating - A Very Real Problem for MANY of us...

Hello Gang... I have not posted on OH very much for the past 2 years. Oh, perhaps on the rare occasion I would stop by for a few quick Hello's and updates. But for the most part, I have not been anywhere near as active as I used to be. I also used to be a VERY active OH Group Leader, but all of that changed - and I wanted to STOP being a huge hypocrite - once I started having serious food issues. I started my Weight Loss Journey, and surgery, at a nice hefty 408 pounds. For a 6-foot tall man, that is quite a bit of weight. I think I always wanted to be thin, but knew that it would be totally impossible to ever possibly lose any REAL weight. Then came the miracle of surgery. And voila! The weight seemed to literally POUR off my body, and I got thinner and thinner. The original weight goal which my Dr. was THRILLED with was 220. Well, that soon came and went, so it was dropped to 200. Again, I kept going, so it was lowered to a FINAL 180. Hmm... NOT good enough for me yet. So I kept going... My low weight just a few months ago was 148, and I still wanted to lose MORE. MORE MORE MORE. This was last year, when my doctors took a serious look at me, and decided that I had what they coined as "onset male anorexia after gastric bypass". WHAT THE HECK? I had never heard of such a thing in my entire life! How crazy! Anorexia? Sure! And I can walk on the moon too! After all, Anorexia is a GIRL'S disease, and I am a man in my early 40's. This is not possible! Well, I was very sadly mistaken. In and out of various therapy offices and treatments, and I was finally threatened that I would be "sent away" to a men's treatment center for eating disorders in Florida for 8 weeks. Umm..... NOT possible. My job? My house? My mortgage and bills? What would I do? I'll tell you what I did - I started telling the doctors and therapists everything they wanted to hear. What ever sounded good to them, to show how I have "changed my ways". And I gained a bit of weight - up to 160. This seemed to keep them at bay, and avoided me being "sent away" as it were. However, I am coming clean to everyone now. There is no easy fix-it. I live with this horror every single day. And believe me, it is truly a HORROR. Being literally AFRAID of anything that goes into your mouth. Being convinced that you are a HUGE FAT GIGANTIC UGLY PIG just FULL OF BLOBS OF UGLY FAT. Disgusting. And then, your mind kicks in, and convinces you that you are actually a SUCCESS. That all of your ribs showing, and your spindly little arms, and the sunken cheeks on your face - are all signs of your POWER OVER FOOD - that you FINALLY have total power and control, and that food will never hurt you again! THIS is my reality, THIS is the way that I spend my days always worried about my intake of food. I might have a meal of tuna, and then feel so guilty about it that I don't eat the next day. I am just around 160 now, but I want SO MUCH to go back down to where I was, back to 148 or so. For the first time in my life, ever, size 30 jeans were LOOSE on me - I didn't even wear 36 in high school! Now, a size 30 was big, and a men's SMALL shirt was BIG on me! I was in ecstasy! Of course, it doesn't take long before your body and mind show signs of wear from not eating. The first thing is that you withdraw from your friends and loved ones, and from situations involving food. You lie to those that you love, just so they won't worry. You hide your secret from your coworkers. Even though you NEVER pack a lunch or eat snacks, you sometimes "indulge" in some crackers or something, just to throw them off the scent. YOU NEVER LET ANYONE SEE YOU WITHOUT A SHIRT - NEVER. Bottom line. You USED TO BE obese. MORBIDLY obese. And mentally, you still feel that way! And you are MORE SCARED THAN ANYTHING EVER IN YOUR LIFE that you will GAIN WEIGHT AGAIN. After all, I am 4 years out. And I promise you, gaining is SO VERY VERY EASY! I regained that 12 or so pounds without batting an eye when I had to! But losing that 12 pounds back will just about KILL me. The only way is to stop eating again. It's ridiculous. So you don't eat. And your body starts to fight back. With things like horrible constipation, joint pain, severe headaches, muscle aches - the list goes on and on. You begin to get fuzzy with your speech and with your thought processes. Even the simplest of things in life become more and more complex in your reality. But still - you are thin. You are a success. Even if it kills you. And then the hunger. YES, the hunger. After 4 years out from an RNY, you WILL feel hunger again. hunger so strong, that sometimes it HURTS - but you still won't give in - you won't eat, YOU WILL SHOW THAT FOOD WHO IS BOSS. So, you quiet the hunger with hot coffee, hot tea, and you sip and sip on any hot beverage you can find. This soothes it all, makes it all just a little bit more tolerable. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT HEALTHY FOR ME - THAT THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND. THE *ONLY* REASON I am sharing all of this on here, is hoping that this will help someone else who struggles with these same issues. I struggle every single day, and I feel SO ALONE - SO DESPERATELY ALONE in my struggles. It hurts to the very core. I do NOT want anyone's pity. I have a GREAT therapist, and I am a grown man, and I will handle this. Because despite all of my shortcomings with food, I am very strong. I WILL get through this, but of course, only one day at a time. So the only reason I am putting myself "out there" is so that if ANYONE AT ALL - ANYONE - is experiencing these same kinds of problems, I WELCOME YOU to send me a private message and perhaps we can support one another, and see each other through our struggles together. It is ONLY FOR THIS REASON that I let everything out in the open today. I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE NOT ALONE..... Well, that's all for now. I hope everyone has a truly fantastic day, and an even better night! - Mike

Mike, I have nothing to say. I just want to put my arms around you and tell you that you're loved. It sounds like NOTHING has been easy for you, but I think you're terrifically brave, and give you my very best hopes that you can find a recovery plan that works for you, and will give you some relief. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

Thank you so much for the very kind thoughts and comments! Actually, I should probably clarify a little. I actually DO eat, it is just the tremendous fear that I live with every day. Here is an example of my eating: On a given day, I might just do coffee, MANY times that day (decaf), but in lieu of creamer I use low carb sugar free Edge Chocolate protein shake mixed in. This way, I get about 4 shakes total in a day (sometimes 5), but by dilluting it with coffee and drinking all day. Each shake is about 110 cals, and 17 grams of protein. The coffee, of course, is nothing. Then, there are days like today, where I will actually eat. Here is how I am eating "real" food today: This morning before leaving the house, 1 low-carb lemon mini-muffin made from Almond Flour and Splenda - about 2-inches across. In between - decaf coffee. Lunch - 4 oz. of tuna, sometimes 3 oz. of white chicken In between - decaf coffee Dinner - 1/2 cup of browned extra lean ground sirloin, lightly seasoned and rinsed in scalding water through a colander (to get any residual fat off after cooking). Afterwards - decaf coffee. I might make a snack of various raw veggies, or a small salad with fat-free italian dressing. Things that I particularly BAN from my intake whatsoever: Carbs - especially WHITE carbs. They are a huge problem for me. If I have ONE cracker, i will end up binging on the whole box. So I don't have ANY carbs. Sugar - NONE - neither granular, or even natural. NO sugars whatsoever. Fruit - NONE - I do not eat fruit. High in carbs and natural sugars. Alcohols - NONE - EVER. No alcohol or liquor of any kind ever. Carbonation - NONE - EVER - makes me feel bloated and fat. If I go out to a restaurant, I always look for the childs menu - and two of my absolute favorites are Chile's and Logan's Roadhouse. At both places, they have a great childs plate consisting of a plain seasoned grilled boneless skinless chicken breast, and a side of steamed broccoli. I am very happy with this meal. NOW - usually at the end of one of these "eating" days, I feel so horribly riddled with guilt that I ate so much, that I will spend the next day or possibly two on NOTHING except for the protein mixed in with the coffee. What I have done (and this is the logical part of me talking!) is I have drastically reduced my metabolism by restricting my calories so greatly. I can actually maintain around 160-ish living this way day-to-day, and if I just stop and live on nothing but the coffees with protein, I can drop my weight to where I "want" it to be (but know that it is not healthy). PART OF WHAT HELPED ME BECOME LIKE THIS is the fact that I totally "blew" my stoma after 1 year out. I had scopes done and all kinds of tests. My stoma is opened to the size/width of my pouch, so everything I swallow FALLS RIGHT THROUGH. This made me extra scared and always afraid - since I was now able to eat VASTLY LARGE quantities without any real restriction. I WAS SO FREAKED OUT WHEN THIS HAPPENED. And surgical repair is "out of the question" because of the risks, especially since I have not gained any weight! I was told that if I gained weight (substantially), then I could have a revision - but I DON'T WANT TO EVER, EVER GAIN WEIGHT. So I live with this, and I just MEASURE EVERYTHING and I NEVER COUNT ON MY FEELING OF FULLNESS - because THERE ISN'T ONE. YIKES! Anyway, I just thought I would share. Today is definitely one of my "eating" days. OH - yes, I almost forgot. One of my favorite meals is to take 1 brick of Fat-Free cream cheese, two cans of tuna packed in water and well-drained, and mix them together to for a really delicious creamy paste. I will eat about 1/2 cup of this mixture with a small spoon as a meal. ZERO fat, and all protein. Really delicious too! I have added things like buffalo hot sauce to it for zing too. Anyway - THANKS AGAIN for the very kind words. You are very sweet! - Mike

Hi Mike,

I too am begginning to struggle with this big time. I am almost a year and a half out and simply just dont see myself as thin as people claim. I still carry a pretty negative image of myself most days and laugh outloud when someone refers to me as "teeny", "tiny" or "skinny". Im so terrified of regaining weight that I weigh myself almost everyday, sometimes numerous times a day and then feel terribly guilty and depressed when the number goes up. I am about 6 pounds below my "dream" goal weight, but secretly want to lose more. It simply isnt enough for me The last 2 days has been especially bad for me(all I have eaten is 4 salads, and the coffee/protien mixes like yours, and my splurge was a serving of wheat thins--which is weighing heavily on my conscience).......I obsess over the numbers, carbs and calories for sure. I only usually consume about 1000 calories daily, but even that I feel guilty over. I can relate to most of your story. Im trying to get a handle  on it, but simply not sure how to do it. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story...At least I now know I am not alone.

Sheri

I HAD RNY ON MAY 5, 2008 AND I HAVE LOST DOWN FROM 297 TO 155 AND I AM STILL NOT HAPPY.  I HAVE TIMES WHEN I ALSO FEEL VERY GUILTY WHEN I EAT.  MY DR WANTS ME TO ADD CARBS IN MY DIET BUT I AM SCARED TO.  THIS IS VERY COMMON IN PEOPLE WHO ONCE HAD NO CONTROL OVER FOOD AND NOW THEY DO(OR THINK THEY DO).  TEXT BOOK WISE THIS IS AN EATING DISORDER.  THERE DOESNT SEEM TO BE A SO CALLED "NORMAL AREA" IN THIS PROCESS.  THE 1ST THING IS TO RECONGNIZE THE PROBLEM WHICH YOU HAVE.  STAY AWARE OF YOURSELF AND WORK THROUGH IT.       TABATHA