can you relate??

Hi all!! I just stumbled across this forum...I never knew it existed. I glanced at a few posts on here but figured I should introduce myself before replying to anyone. Here's my "story" in a nutshell Jan 16, 2006 I had open RNY...starting weight 321 pounds Sometime around July or Aug of 06 my healthy weightloss from the surgery turned into a twisted obsession. It started innocent enough...I was increasing exercise more and more. Then I found myself counting everything. I set strange goals...I MUST burn 3 times the cals I consumed every day!! Then one day I could not go to the gym...I threw up. It was then that I realized my overeating turned into bulimia. My bulimia brought on alcoholism. Those two combined brought on some nasty depression. The depression brought 3 attempts of suicide. ALL OF THAT combined caused my husband of 9 years to send me packin!! (that was June 07) At my lowest weight I was 162 (I'm 5'11'). I wore a size 4/6. Since leaving my husband I put on 20 pounds (wearing an 8). I wanted to believe so desperately that losing my husband would smack me back into reality. I thought it did too....until this week. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. I'm so stressed. I haven't had a bite today and I don't plan on it. It's almost as though I am blaming FOOD for eveything that went to h*ll in my life and I'm now denying my body of it. It sounds so weird to write it out but in my mind it makes perfect sense. I HATE how at almost 2 years post op I still allow food to have such a stronghold in my life. I wish the surgeon could have operated on my head the day he operated on my stomach!!! **end vent** Dawn Dawn

Dawn, I admire your openess and honestly. You are certainly in a struggle for your life. I do see how you would want to blame food for everything, but you have been the one to give food that power over you. I can certainly understand the throwing up after eating. It was not long after surgery that I fell into that as well. My intention for having this surgery was not to die, so I finally was able to get some control over it. I won't say that I do not still do it occasionally. Sometimes fear and panic takes over, the fear of calories, the fear of not losing anymore, the fear of gaining... I was so sick and weak I could not even stand. I was passing out, bruised everywhere and hurt everywhere. My choices were life or death and I was the one who had control over whether or not I lived or died, not food. I chose life. Everyday is still a struggle, but I try not to let the thoughts of panic and fear be the basis of whether or not I eat or purge. I base it on logic now. I still only eat a small amount of calories a day, much less than other post ops at 11 months out eat, but that is all I can do now. One day at a time. It would be great if this surgery fixed our minds, but it doesn't. So, for that I see a therapist. Is this an option for you? I looked at your pictures and you are so beautiful. I really hope you are able to take control and become healthy mentally and physically. Please continue to come by often and vent as much as you like. I would also love for you to post to others who are experiencing the same thing. It helps to know we are not alone with eating disorders. It is not all that uncommon after surgery, just not talked about much. Take care, Terisa

Hi Terisa~ I've always been pretty open with my EDs on my profile. I tried discussing it on another forum and pretty much got flamed like you wouldn't believe. That had me stay away from OH for months. I did go to therapy for a few months. It didn't help. It only made things worse. She would open my eyes to a lot of things which only made me feel like more of a failure. I remember the last time I saw her; when I left I went right to the grocery store. I was so depressed and I just wanted to eat the pain away so to speak. I bought a huge hoagie sandwich from the deli, a bag of chips, a candy bar and the biggest thing of water they had. I already predetermined what I was about to do. I drove to my elementary school and sat in the parking lot crying my eyes out, stuffing my face, and being certain to take big gulps of water in between bites. When I was full to the point of physical pain I took the empty plastic bag and purged till my nose started to bleed. I knew then that I just wasn't mentally strong enough to face my problems head on yet. I was better ignoring them. I have gotten slightly better. For a few months I purged EVERYTHING. I was so sick that my period even stopped for 8 months. (i know..TMI) I am now hypoglycemic, anemic, lactose intolerant, and I wouldn't be surprised if I an infertile too. None of what I am saying is a cry out for help. I am simply expressing what my life has become so that others like me won't feel alone and those yet to have surgery can see that you're not promised a "happily ever after". Anyone can feel free to private message me without fear of me judging them. I also express a lot in my blogs on my myspace (www.myspace.com/goswick2879) talk to you soon Dawn

Hi Dawn, Therapy is not easy in any way especially for the first several months to a year. It took me 3 years to even discuss certain things with my therapist. But in order to get better at some point we have to face the demons in our lives whether we are ready or not. You are really at rock bottom right now and I am concerned about what the future holds for you. Please try to see a therapist again. There were times when I went through similiar experiences after therapy when I could not even work because the emotional toll was too much and the emotional pain was more than I could handle. I still kept going. I have a wonderful therapist and if needed I can always call or email her during those rough times. Maybe you need a different therapist, maybe not. Either way it does not hurt to keep trying. Looking at your experiences and what you have gone through I could see how you could become such an inspiration for others and help other post op patients who experience the same things. This is not always an easy road to travel. I am not surprised that you were flamed on other forums. This is why I often post on the other boards that this forum is out there. I want a safe place for other patients who are experiencing ED's or body dismorphic disorder issues to come and be able share what is going on without fear. You will never be flamed here. I hope you will consider getting help for yourself so that you can help others. Make this the legacy you leave behind. Take care, Terisa

I can relate. I just spent a week on an inpatient unit and now am in an intensive partial hospitalization program to deal with my eating disorder. Before surgery, I was a compulsive eater. For a year after surgery I lived the good, strict, straight and narrow life all bypass patients emulate. And then life got in the way. I still needed food in my life to deal with emotions. My body image was/is scewed. And now I feel fatter than I did before surgery...150 pounds ago. I swing from normal eating to binging to purging/laxatives to excessive restriction. The protein fasts everyone talks about to resert their pouches? Just a trigger for me to restrict. Even though I'm now in treatment, I have a hard time letting go. The nutritionist in the program has me eating foods that the surgeon's nut said weren't good. Carbs for breakfast? HELL NO! But I stuff them in now. My meal plans sucks...too much food, too often. But I actually ate like they wanted me to for a whole week and my weight didn't change a bit. (Although I think my body got fatter.) I don't blame food for my screwed up life. It was just a tasty way to help me screw it up on my own. But I do hate food. I resent it and I love it at the same time. I wish more people who've been through bypass and now have an ED would come out of the woodwork. I know I could r eally use the support myself right now.

OMG Jen!!! I read this post and felt like I was reading my own life!!! Right now for instance...I started up a weight loss challenge. The underlying reason I did it was so that I would force myself to restrict. I know that if it is a "competition" I will be determined to win and it will "keep me on track". Never in my life have I had such a love/hate relationship with anything!! I truly do hate food. I wish that we didn't need it to survive and that I had no desire to touch it. Another thing I hate about what my ED has turned into is that I can't friggen sleep anymore. I was never a night eater when I was my heaviest but NOW...good god...midnight, 2am, 4am...I'm stuffing my face with bread and peanut butter and stuff. It's not that I am waking up...I just don't fall asleep! Thank god I found this forum...I was really beginning to think that I had some strange issue that no one else had to deal with post-op. *hugs* Dawn

Dawn, I searched OH forums for something I could relate to and I came across your message. I am so where you are in many ways. I am so obsessed with not gaining weight that I am driving myself crazy. I am afraid to go to some of the extremes (bulimia and purging) but I refuse to gain all the weight I have lost back. I have increased my exercise to almost unbelievable measures and this last week with so much going on I havent exercised at all and I have been on the verge of a serious meltdown. I am so mad at myself because it is times like now that I feel I have failed. I am 1 year post op and I can eat almost like I did prior to. I tried psyching myself into believing that I couldnt do it (and sometimes I can't) but I dont want to go back to those old habits. I am so ready to break the stronghold that food has on my life and by whatever means necessary I will. I will keep you in my prayers as we fight to a place of victory over this stronghold. p.s. Your pictures are absolutely beautiful. Before and after. We will get through this. Veronica

Hi Veronica~ First and foremost let me tell you that you are stunning as well!!! For a while I posted on a pro-bulimia website but the problem I had with that was what they considered a binge was nothing close to what I would consider as such...mainly because I couldn't begin to think of stuffing all that mess in my pouch! But nevertheless I know that I have binged enough that I streched it out way beyond what it should be. I really believe that the only thing that kept me on track the first 13 mons was "fear". I was terrified what would happen if I ate a slice of bread, a can of diet soda, a piece of candy, a cookie, etc, etc...but what happened was with time I let temptation over power the fear and I would "try" something...if I felt fine, the fear was gone. If it made me sick...I purged and felt fine...making the fear be gone. Now I just eat anything without a second thought as to if it will make my blood sugar crash, make me gassy, make me nauseas, and so on. AHHH!!! this is a terrible way to live isn't it?? *hugs* Dawn

It looks like a few of us have been purging. I am curious, for those of you who had RNY and have purged, have you experienced any complications? I was always afraid that I would cause damage, but I guess not scared enough not to purge. ~ Terisa

medically...I've never had a complication. Now what I am about to say could be removed from this board as it will sound like a pro-mia statement. The only problem I have with purging post WLS is that we don't produce bile like we used to so I have to be mindful to drink A LOT of water with my food or there is no way it will come up. It will get stuck instead...ouch.