I caught myself

As most of you know I am seeing someone who is helping me through my eating issues. She's been wonderful and very understanding. However I actually shocked myself yesterday. Its been a very stressful time in my life right now so many things happening I have zero control over. (family issues) Anyway I was getting dinner ready last night even though I was not really feeling hungry at all which for the most part I dont feel hungry. And caught myself telling myself I was just a fat ugly pig . I'm not sure what prompted me to say that other then I felt so very bloated as its that wonderful time once again I only get about a 13 day break if I'm lucky from it. But with everything thats been happening around me I was having a very fat day. My daughter had heard me babbling to myself and piped up about me thinking I was fat was the stupidist thing she's ever heard when it hit me I had actually called myself fat. I wasn't seeing me when I looked in the mirror I was seeing the person I used to be. It was good I shocked myself or I would of probably skipped dinner again as I have in the past and I am trying to get better I've been working so hard to change my own mindset about how I see myself I back tracked yesterday. I'm still not sure why I do this to myself but I do know I am working very hard to stop this pattern of behavior. I will be talking to my conselor about it maybe she can tell me why I am doing this to myself. The last 4 days I have been slipping back into the skipping meals pattern as things have been really messed up around here so I'm back to working on things from the beginning once again. fitday is becoming my life line and hopefully I can get a handle on this soon. Dawn

Hi Dawn- First off, it took a lot of courage for you to open up on the forum. Congrats on starting new patterns or starting over when you mess up. You are not the person you used to be. I'm checking out your avatar and you're beautiful!! Thank you for posting this. I've been working very hard at liking myself too. I used to stand in front of the mirror every morning and say (outloud), "You are fat, ugly and stupid. No one will ever want you." The last couple months, I try to look in the mirror and say something nice about myself. Some days it's REALLY tough, but it must be done. We deserve better, right? Have a wonderful day, fabulous lady!! Try saying something nice to yourself today. Mag

Thank you Maggie for your kind words. I haven't put up a resent photo of myself as I'm a bit ashamed of how I look. I've been told I'm nothing but bones and in some photos ok most now yes i don't look very healthy. I have been dangerously anemic to the point my blood pressure was at a dangerous low 50/40 on an active day and I was wondering why I've been so cold? I'm really hoping I can get it through my head that just sitting down an eating a healthy meal is not going to make me regain everything I lost. but when you look in the mirror an see yourself still as you once where for your entire life its hard not to panic. Dawn

Dawn, This is absolutly wonderful!! You were able to stop yourself at least one time and see that you are not fat and certainly not a pig. This is exciting because one time can lead to another. So much of this has to do with self esteem and how we have seen ourselves for so many years. It takes time for that thinking to change and unfortunatly it is not as fast as we are losing weight. I am so excited that you are seeing a counselor for this. You are already so beautiful and I look forward to the time you see this to. Congrats on an exceptional night last night. I wish you many many more!!!! As always I am so very proud of you. ~ Terisa

Hi, Dawn! I remembered your post and thought that's what I just did. I used to kid about my cat begging for food, (insert cat voice here...LOL) "Hey, Big Woman, get me some foodie!" I said it the other day after losing 1/2 my body weight and my husband said, "Wow, I can't believe that you still say "Big Woman". I said that I'll always be his "Big Woman" (insert cat smooching here)! Well, last week one of my relatives used the phrase..."until the fat woman sings" when we were on the phone. As this person hasn't seen me since surgery, I said, "On a personal note, I've had WLS so that fat woman won't be ME." The relative immediately mentioned that the only other obese person in our family also lost a lot of weight. Man! Are people so shallow that WEIGHT is the main way that they value others? It was a short call! I have been working on thinking positively about myself and life. It seems that I have a whole collection of the "Worst of" comments logged in my memory. I am tossing them for the "Best of" collection. It seems like such a shame to go through such a big change just to repeat some stupid version of what someone said before to me. After I re-read your post, I decided that I'm not "dumping" on MYSELF either! I've been in a funk lately and feel much better now. Thanks so much! XOXOXO Ro

I still do the same thing. Pretty much everyday people just roll thier eyes at me anymore. I'm sitting here in some major pain tonight. I know I should of gone to see my Ortho today but thought well ice will help. I messed up my bad knee some how last night and my god does it hurt. I have to work tomorrow night which will be so much fun if it doesnt stop but I've done it before. Monday I will be calling the ortho an get this looked at they may end up moving the surgery up a month or two. Dawn

Hope that you were able to get some relief from the knee pain. Doesn't it always seem that we get sick or hurt when office hours are closed at the Dr? It makes the weekend very long, especially for painful problems. One of my relatives had knee surgery several months back and has been able to walk off about 70 lbs (no WLS). Her son told me that the operation changed her life, as her pain was overwhelming. Good idea to get the Ortho to check it out and possibly move up the surgery. I read on the Nutrition board that it is best to increase protein intake prior to surgery. I am planning on having PS next year. Pretty sure that the eNut said something like... 90 g protein for a 160 lb patient is needed before a surgery. The eNut also had a protein formula for the suggested increase before an operation. Sorry that I don't have the date of the post. BTW, You have really changed on the outside. I'm with you on the need to "stop" saying "old, negative, hurtful" messages. Think we just need a bit more time for those messages to end. Keep trying and I will too!!! Ro