not sure what to call it

my hubby was fussing at me to eat... well I had a slice of deli ham the shaved kind... he went to store and I went and forced it back up... just wished I could answer him on why I'm doing this to myself... he doesn't understand and it makes me feel like there's no one out there that does.. to me food really makes me feel sick *sighs* Stephie

It is called an Eating Disorder and yes there are people out there who understand. I cannot tell you how many times I went to the bathroom to purge. I would eat and then start to panic and have to run to the bathroom and purge before my body had a chance to absorb any of the calories. Does this sound familiar? It is a matter of life and death that you find a therapist. I am honestly scared for you. When I was eating the same way you are now I was covered in bruises, my hair was falling out, my bp was so low I was not even allowed to drive because I was constantly on the verge of passing out. My body ached so bad I could not even get up from sitting on some days. It was more than aches, I was in pain. I was dying, slowly commiting suicide because like you, I would rather be dead than be fat again. The good thing is that I do not have to make a choice between food and death. In order to lose weight I have to eat. I am not asking you to get in 1000 cal a day, but at least shoot for 600 at first. Give your body a few cal so it can have the energy it needs to function and to lose weight. The other problem that you are dealing with and is the root of your struggle is the body dysmorphic disorder. Until you can see that you are no longer fat you are going to really struggle with eating and purging. Do some research this weekend. I am sure your insurance offers a website and lists providers in your area for psychotherapists. Take down a few of their names and see if one specializes in eating disorders. If you do not want to I would be more than happy to do this for you. I just want to see you healthy and I want very much for you to have a happy and successful life.