I'm Stephie and I have a problem

I don't eat during the day or drink my water anymore... I do drink coffee, tea though but they're not decafe... I'm not hungry most days so don't see the need to eat unless I'm hungry... When I do eat, I make myself throw up my food, it used to be easy to do it but it's becoming harder and harder to do it on command so, I help myself along... I see the fat pockets in my belly that's in the hanging skin and it just makes me sick cause I see 240 pounds there... I can see the weight loss in pictures, why can't I see it in the mirror or when someone smaller than me is next to me? I will not go to a shrink cause they can't help me... They tell me I can stop this if I want too but they've never walked in my shoes or been where I've been... I'm so scared of gaining weight back and really being a failure like I've been all my life... No one understands me... I get mad alot cause I try to be a good person, I try to treat everyone the way I want to be treated only to have crap throwed at me... Most of my family tell me I'm fat... I'm 4'11" and weigh in at 120-126 pounds and I agree I am fat... I want to be small, but I know when I drop past that 116 I feel so sick... Sorry this is so long, but there's no way you can post this on the main message board, they just don't know how scarey this truely is... I would really like to find out why it is possible to gain weight since someone went to work in a plant doing hard manual labor and not lose it? I barely get in 200 to 300 cals a day somedays I don't even get in 100 cals... How in the world is it possible to gain weight? Stephie

Hi Stephanie...I honestly don't know the answer to your questions about food/calories, etc., but I wanted to write to say a couple of things. First, you are absolutely NOT FAT. Secondly, I am both a shrink AND a weight loss surgery patient. I really do believe that finding the right therapist could help a lot. Some of the thinking you describe fits into what is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a condition where a person actually sees/views their body in a different way than it is in reality. Given your WLS, untreated BDD could be physically/medically very dangerous. I wish you well in whatever path you choose to address your concerns. Feel free to contact me if you have more questions or are just looking for a friend. Best, Shauna

here where I live the shrinks (sorry for calling them that name I don't mean no disrespect towards them) do not support WLS what so ever... and with the way I work I can't go to another town right now... I'm just so tired of them telling me that I can just up and stop on how things are going... they do not even take the time to listen to you... they will ask you what the problem is and you get half of it said before they just but in and then start telling you what you should be doing and what you shouldn't be doing... I know in my head I shouldn't be doing this, but how can you just stop ? I can eat a cracker now and I go to the bathroom and run my finger down to make myself get rid of it... if I get hungery I will eat a bit or two, not a full meal and then run to the bathroom and get rid of it... just by me eatting it makes my tummy happy but my mind's eye isn't ... I will do some research on BDD and see if I can get some helpful ideas on how to deal with this... thanks so much Stephie

I completly agree about the Body Dysmorphic Disorder. You are in no way fat either. Your weight is perfect right where you are. I know it is not easy to see the new you and when you look in the mirror you still see the same fat person. I have to carry a picture around from last summer and one from recently. I have to constantly look at them to try to let it soak into my head that I am not that same person anymore. I am very concerned about the amount of calories that you are getting in and especially that you purge. Because you are a WLS patient you are very susceptible to serious damage. You did not come all the way to kill yourself, but I do understand the mindset you have. You are on a dangerous road and really need to see a psychotherapist. This will allow you to see someone on a regular basis where you can sit down and talk for 40 min about what is going on, why you are doing these things, and how can you address the Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Whether or not the shrinks suppport WLS has nothing to do with your eating disorders or body dysmorphic disorder. The simple fact is you are struggling a lot and these issues really need to be addressed right away. You may not be able to locate a shrink in your area that you are comfortable with, but what about a psychotherapist? I highly recommend that you do not try to fix this on your own. I can tell you from my own experience that I was on the road to death, and until I told my therapist and my surgeon's nurse I could not even begin to recover. I am not quite where I should be as far as calories, but I am closer and my body is much happier! Maybe tomorrow you can take a step towards a therapist? When panic sets in about gaining weight or not losing it is not a choice to eat healthy or as you should.

hey sweetie the last shrink I saw, didn't want to talk about anything that was due to my eatting disorder... he told me that I couldn't just have surgery and then get an eatting disorder, it was unheard of.. and he and his partner that I seen never let me talk.. they would ask one question and then start telling me stuff... my hubby keeps saying it's all in your head, but if it was then why do I actually see it and feel it? I got to my support group meeting on the 11th and I'm gonna see if the chairperson will have a meeting on BDD, maybe that can help me and anyone else that is going through this in secret ... thanks for listening to me whine, I seem to be doing alot of that lately... I just wished someone could answer why the weight gain when I'm not taking in enough cals to make me gain... Stephie

Stephie I am not sure what the shrink was talking about at all. It is not only something heard of it is not all that uncommon. It is hard enough for people to lose weight normally and have their mind catch up, let alone lose it quickly. It just a lot for your mind to absorb. Whether or not you have had WLS at this point is not the issue. Just looking at your symptoms alone with the eating small amount of cal, purging, and the body image issue would tell any mental health professional that you are in need or serious help. I am feeliing a little angry with his comments and hoping that is not what he meant. Your hubby says it is in your head...well YEAH it is in your head! You body is one size, but your mind thinks it another. Are people waiting to you become extremely ill before recognizing this?? With the amount of cal you are taking in daily your body is in starvation mode. You may not be losing as much as you think you need to because you think you are still fat, but eventually your body will really start to eat itself. I am sure you know where this leads. This is why the weight gain right now. Your body is in a bad place and literally starving and I am honestly scared for you right now. It is a great idea that you mention this to the cp of the group. I had never been to a group before, but my nurse knew I was having eatiing issues and she begged me to come. Even though I am studying to be a therapist, I am not really a group person. Well, I can organize and lead them, just do not like to be on the patient side. I decided to go. As inroductions came I knew I was making a choice to take back my life. I just told everyone in the entire group that I was 8 months out and I was starving myself to death and went into the other symptoms. This started a huge conservation and everyone really came out and talked about their problems and how scared they were etc.... It turned out to be one of the best sessions they have ever had. If I had chosen not to speak about my problem myself, my nurse inteded to say that she had a patient who was expereincing certain eating problems and body image problems. After that session I had so many people come up to me and thank me for talking openly about my problem and how it inspiried them and many have asked for my number to contact me. Even if you choose not to admit this outload, you asking for the body dysmorphic disorder and the eating disorder to be discussed will help someone else. I promise you that you are not the only one suffering and that by talking about it can help them, and you. Bringing it out in the open is so helpful. I hope you do not mind, but I feel I need to be very blunt and honest with you. I don't care how many shrinks and therapists you go to, keep looking until you find a therapist who understands what you are talking about and is willing to help you. Your life depends on it. I do not think you are whining at all, WHINE LOUDER!! Until a professional in your area hears you and helps you. Can you speak to your surgeons office about what is going on and ask if they have any experience and someone they could refer you to. In the mean time can you tell me where you live if you do not mind? I will try to locate someone in your area as well. Take care of yourself ok? ~ Terisa

BTW..I am thrilled that you came to this forum. It takes a lot of courage to admit it when you are having difficulties with food. Hope to see you here a lot more. ~ Terisa

Stephanie i completely understand. I had wls last yr at the end of this month. so far i have lost 109pds and am 5'3 and i now wieght 138. i just hit "normal" wieght in the charts. Wow that should be something to shout about. Shed 109 pds yippee. Well I dont feel like celebrating and one pd at a time i loss who I was a became a some one i didnt know but was eager to meet. Only thing is.. I dont think i can ever get to really meet her cuz i dont recognize her. I look in the mirror and i feel better but I look exactly like i did 109pds ago. Every one says i look great and i feel great as long as im not in the picture or in front of the mirror. I do understand. I did go to counseling and my counselor does understand. Its a personal choice to go to counseling but my counselor said for me to try something and i did so maybe u may want to try this. Use ur mirror and take some clothes u used to wear before surgery and mark that on the mirror then stand in front of the marking.. Its still hard to see but its as clear as day and night..... good luck. I hope u can meet u

I've lost myself somewhere along my journey... and I can't seem to find me anymore... I have a set of my old clothes hanging on the wall in my room and I try to use that to remind me where I came from and it makes me know I never want to go back there again.. my statement to my family the other day really made them mad, I stated I rather be dead than gain back my weight... They just don't understand... somedays I don't understand myself... I'm still searching for me... if you find me please toss me in a nearby mail box... Stephie