Hiya Marie, This is so cute. Thanks for the chuckle. I needed one. Keep up the good work on the weight loss. Congratulations, Mary

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling! ------------------------------------------------------------------- Ancient Egypt was old It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on MountCyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." ________________________________________________________ Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. ------------------------------------------------------------------- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess."

Fresh from the hermeticly sealed mayonaise jar kept on Aunt Lucy's porch, Heeeeeeeeeres Johnny ! ! ! ! CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT (Johnny Carson, 1925-2005: WE HARDLY KNEW YOU. YOU'LL BE GREATLY MISSED!!) ANSWER: Gatorade. QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare? ANSWER: Bible belt. QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants? ANSWER: Milk and honey. QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday. QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles. ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall. QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong. ANSWER: Ben Gay. QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? ANSWER: An unmarried woman. QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952? ANSWER: Disjoint. QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking? ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman. QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself? ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman. QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. ANSWER: Until he gets caught. QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Old wives tale. QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest? ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub. QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub? ANSWER: Shareholder. QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be? ANSWER: Skalliwags. QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy? ANSWER: David Frost. QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david? ANSWER: Head and shoulders. QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car? ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock. QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory? ANSWER: "Rose Bowl." QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley? ANSWER: That darn cat. QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug? ANSWER: High rollers. QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team. ANSWER: Gunga din. QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga? ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road." QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office? ANSWER: At both ends. QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles? ANSWER: Igloo. QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S. QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"? ANSWER: Grape Nuts. QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo? ANSWER: Supervisor. QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes? ANSWER: Crabgrass. QUESTION: What do crabs get high on? ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake. QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno. ANSWER: Blazing Saddles. QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? ANSWER: Flypaper. QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper? ANSWER: Deep freeze. QUESTION: Name an Eskimo ***** film. ANSWER: Bedbug. QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

Unfortunately my accounting firm has all my money tied up. They are the firm of Dewey Cheatham and Howe

Hello Everyone! Want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists *****fuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be *****ed with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3nd cousin's beautican.