Eileen, this was so funny!!! I printed it out so my preacher would read it to the rest of the congregation. I told my friends to stop putting those fish on their cars. I have a little bitty one on my dashboard for me to see. This reminds me who I live for. Thank you again...Loved it! Brenda

> There's wisdom in here someplace..... > > > 1. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without >it. > > 2. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there >the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. > > 3. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. > > 4. My reality cheque bounced. > > 5. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape >key. > > 6. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier! > > 7. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut >butter. > > 8. Everyone is someone else's weirdo. > > 9. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to the! ir level then >beat you with experience. > > 10. Be careful... a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a >kick in the butt. > > 11. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you won't be >promoted. > > 12. The more crap you put up with, the more of it you are going to >get. > > 13. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a >clipboard. > > 14. So this isn't Home Sweet Home..... Adjust! > > 15. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself. > > 16. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. > > 17. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall >never cease to be amused. > > 18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed >bump

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine." GO AHEAD ( With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in jus! t a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is n! ot a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is! You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful! not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! Always remember... A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I have a wonderful sence of humor, and I especially looove these... "Your Momma is so fat" my twin daughters (11yrs) told me these.... Your momma is so fat,... she has her "own Zip code" Your momma is so fat,...she sat on Wal-mart and gave it "low prices" Your momma is so fat, ...she makes the owner at the "all you can eat" buffett cry

SALAD SHOOTER!!!!!!