DO YOU HAVE A.A.A.D.D.?
Do You Have A.A.A.D.D. ?
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
... But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
... I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left
... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
... As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
... I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
... I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
... Someone left it on the kitchen table.
... I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
... I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
... So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
... Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
... At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren'****ered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
... Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
... I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
... Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
... Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
Thought you guys would like this. I just have started discovering this whole site and will be posting more jokes in the future!!.
Take care,
Jackie
Marriage Humor
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
ROCK AND ROLL RE-RELEASES
Everybody is remaking their oldie****s!
- Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
- The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
- The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
- Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
- Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
- Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
- Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
- Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
- ABBA - "Denture Queen"
- Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
- Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
- Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
- Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Are You Living in 2004 ?
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after long days at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW You Are LAUGHING at yourself.
Enjoy
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW You Are LAUGHING at yourself.
Enjoy Are You Living in 2004 ?
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after long days at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW You Are LAUGHING at yourself.
Enjoy
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW You Are LAUGHING at yourself.
Enjoy The most destructive habit...............Worry
The greatest Joy...............Giving
The greatest loss...............Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work...............Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species...............Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"...............Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome...............Fear
The most effective sleeping pill...............Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease...............Excuses
The most powerful force in life...............Love
The most dangerous pariah...............A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer...............The brain
The worst thing to be without................Hope
The deadliest weapon...............The tongue
The two most power-filled words...............I Can"
The greatest asset...............Faith
The most worthless emotion...............Self-pity
The most beautiful attire...............SMILE!
The most prized possession...............Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication...............Prayer
The most contagious spirit...............Enthusiasm
future sister in law
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year
when we decided to get married. My parents helped us
in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing
bothering me.That one thing was her younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight Miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a
pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived. She whispered tome that soon I was to
be married, and she had feelings and desires formed
that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not
say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled
down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my
car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in
your car.
SO DUMB JOKES
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
THE SENATOR
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, *****ally is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"
The End Is Near!
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did
the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The
tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she
was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a
couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She
was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license
plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car
There's wisdom in here someplace.....
Things That Make You Go Hummmm.....
1. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
2. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
3. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
4. My reality cheque bounced.
5. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.
6. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
7. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
8. Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
9. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to the! ir level then
beat you with experience.
10. Be careful... a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a
kick in the butt.
11. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.
12. The more crap you put up with, the more of it you are going to
get.
13. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
14. So this isn't Home Sweet Home..... Adjust!
15. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself.
16. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
17. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed
bump
Why Men Die Sooner
Do you know how tough it is being a man...?
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive pig.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly lingerie, you're a pervert. If you don't, then you can't be straight.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious enough.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN.......
Triva
Question #1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?
Answer: Boxing.
Question #2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
Answer: Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
Question #3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
Answer: Asparagus and rhubarb
Question #4. At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
Answer: Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).
Question #5. What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
Answer: Baseball.
Question #6. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
Answer: Strawberry.
Question #7. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
Answer: The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
Question #8. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.
Answer: Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
Question #9. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
Answer: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
Question #10. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?
Answer: In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
this might be overkill but hey I hope yawl enjoy these!!!!
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