TOO MANY QUESTIONS!

The time is getting closer. Just 20 more days until my surgery. I have been a ball of mixed emotions. Sometimes I am so excited about starting my new life, and sometimes I am so damn scared. Recently I have been feeling a little depressed and very exhausted. I don't know if this is normal or not, but I guess it may be. I had a wonderful holiday full of love and light. I spent it with my family and friends, and my life's partner, Karen. I believe it was the best holidays of my life. I really have no reason to feel depressed. Maybe it is because of the losses this surgery represents. Not just the positive one (i.e. weight loss), but the scary ones. My life will be forever changed. Am I ready to deal with these changes? Other than physically, how will the weight loss change me? Will I be me? If not then who will I be? What if I don't succeed? Where will I find the protection (or illusion of) that my body provides me? How will I deal with unwanted attention? Will people still love me and feel safe with me? How will my partner react to my weight loss? Will it change my personality? So many questions! No wonder I can't sleep at night. Have any of you faced this? Am I just trippin'??? Rosa

Rosa... A lot of honest thoughts put on paper. Needless to say, my dear, you aren't trippin'... An issue that I have always faced was the idea that it would be tolerable if you didn't like me because you were superficial and didn't like "fat" people. Now that I have lost weight, the fear is that in reality..if you don't like me...then it isn't about my weight...it is about me. Major ouch!!!! Of course, this is a thought that I deal with quite often. One thing that I have learned during this time is that people are superficial. There are many who never spoke to me before who are now so sweet to me!!! LOSERS!!!! I also find that I have become a little more restrained. This may sound odd, but I find that I am a bit of a different person now. Having lost over 130lbs so far, I know that I look different. Actually looking good (compared to what I looked like before). Now, however, I find that I am more guarded because I don't want to do or say anything that would make me sound ****y or vain. Sweetheart...there are definitely going to be changes in relationships with others, with how you see yourself, and your personality...but...a zebra doesn't change their stripes. The you that you are will always be the same. A good friend of mine looked at a before and after photo of me...and she said... "DANIEL, I never saw you as being that heavy. I don't remember you being that big. I guess it is because I always saw you with your heart not your body." Rosa....there will be changes, you will change...but YOU won't change!!! You will be the wonderful person you are...just better then who you are...not better personally, but better health and physically!!!!

Daniel, You are a wise man with a compassionate heart! I'm glad you are on our planet! Blessings! Sally

Thank you so much Daniel. Everything you said makes so much sense. I really love what your friend said to you and I think that is so true. It's the heart that matters, and those who love us will love us no matter how we look. You have given me much comfort and much to think about. Thanks again. Big Hug, Rosa

Rosa, Your honest reflections are a miracle in themselves! Keep life's questions coming! For me...... I feel safer on the planet now. More assured in my own skin.....I have lost weight many times before (and found it again!) and each time I always felt good and pretty but scared to death about the scale turning around again.....as it always did! But this time, not only do I feel good and pretty, but calm and safe. I "bought" an insurance policy that lets me know that the terror of that crushing weight on my body, heart, mind, and personality will not return! This gives me permission to safely explore my life, world, past and future. I can't tell you how wonderful "safe" feels....especially for a woman on a man's planet! I am blessed with a 10 year marriage (we had a Holy Union and Civil Union) to June, who has seen me healthy and ill, thin and thick.....and I count my blessings that her love for me has never wavered, nor mine for her. Perhaps it is from the comfort of our love, family and home that I am able to truely appreciate my new life, but I think its more than this, I think it is an "inside job"......an internal, soulful, spiritual sense of renewal and lame as the word is to truely describe the feeling.....safety....safety on the planet. Its funny, but whenever I was "fat"....everyone was on a diet! I don't care who/what/where the person was suddenly needing to express their need to diet! Now....nobody I meet/greet needs to let me know they need to go on a diet! Thinnly veiled messages of disgust and disapproval have stopped........how could I ever be accepted and appreciated when people only saw my "fat"? Very few people could see past my body....truly.......and most people that could became passively aggressive or hostile that I was still pretty and smart and professionally successful despite my "fat" ...... and if they couldn't deal with those disquieting feelings....then their homophobia could always be counted on as cover.................. yes, I am so happy to be safe!! I am wishing for you the happiness and safety that I have found........ Goddess Bless! Sally

Thanks Sally. Wow, this really is a journey, isn't it? It's going to be a different world for me just as it was, and maybe still is, for you. Your words are an inspiration. Thank you so much for taking time out to share your thoughts with me. That safty thing can't be underrated! Blessing back at you! Rosa

Rosa, You are definitly not trippin! I had many of the same feelings and question as you do. It is a big, scary experience yet exciting. I would do it all again in a heartbeat! Do your best to relax. It is going to work out for you. Chip

Thanks Chip. It's good to know that I am not slipping into loopyville! I am trying to chill out some and just let it come. Sometimes I can do it, and other times i fell like a cat that got its tail stuck in an electrical outlet!!! One day at a time. Right??? Hugs, Rosa

Rosa, First of all, I have to tell you that I get so freakin excited for someone like you who is about to do this. It's so cool, and it shows bravery and exceptional kindness to one's self to take this journey. Everything you are feeling is entirely normal. I went through so many emotions in the last month before my surgery that it's a wonder my partner didn't commit me. You talk about the losses that the surgery represents, and I'd like to address this. The losses that I feel are: obvious loss of fat, loss of having to think about where can fit and sit, loss of sugar, and loss of a huge burden to myself and my family. Loosing the huge bumper of fat that surrounded me leaves me feeling light like I can dance at any given moment (and trust me I do). It leaves me free to run (yes run) up a flight of stairs just because it feels good. When I get to the top, I am not winded or in pain. Now I fit wherever I want to go or sit. I do NOT ever miss sugar. I can honestly say that since my surgery on 2/25/04, I have not had ANY sugar. Splenda is a wonderful thing, and I don't miss sugar at all, and trust me I would have NEVER thought it for a minute. Life is truly wonderful when you don't have to struggle because you carry excess weight. No losses except for fat!!!!! When it comes to your relationship, I suggest communication. Include each other in this process and the feelings that go with it so that neither of you feel stress because you are holding something in. I don't think that anyone can go through this process without changing some, but let the changes be positive ones and don't let this go to your head. Stay true to yourself and who you are inside and you will be fine. I found that going to support groups to share with others going through the same strange emotions can really help. Set yourself up to succeed by using this tool like it is meant to be used. Give yourself permission to do this the right way for yourself. Eat only what you should, exercise, and celebrate all the little positives along the way and you will succeed. Things are not just going to be fine, they are going to be excellent. Keep your chin up, and take good care. Also, please keep me posted on your progress. You are going to rock! Best, Amy

Hi Amy, Thanks so much for your response. Reading about your "losses" is so inspiring. I can't imagine how it will be to not have to worry if I will fit in a seat, or feeling like I am going to die because I have climbed up a couple of steps or have walked from one room to another. How will it feel to walk through a store without having to find a place to sit, or going to the beach without being scared that some one will try to harpoon me ? I know now more than ever that my body is my prison. One of these days I will stand at the top of a flight of steps and yell (as the great Dr. King said) "Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!" My God, how wonderous that will be! Also, thanks for the advise about talking to my partner. We have pretty good communication, but I plan on sitting her down this weekend and having a good talk. You are a jem, as are all the wonderful people on this message board. We are all so blessed to have each other. Big Hug, Rosa