Help

I am living a double life what should I do? I am having occaisional sex with several men oral only. I am also married and have 3 great kids. This has only happened since surgery now all I do is think about this other guy. I am soooo orally fixated I think this was alot of my problems with food. Now the food is gone I am substituting oral sex with men. I dont know what to do just needed to vent and seek some advice ....

J, If you are having sex with men you are gay. Oral sex is sex, and not a substitute for food. If you wanted a subtitute for food, there are plenty of other things that can fill an oral fixations, such as, oh, oral sex with your wife. Wake Up. You have a responsibility to yourself and family to tell your wife, get some therapy and get your head together. Maureen

Hi J., As a psychotherapist, I highly recommend you consider getting therapy as soon as possible. It sounds like you are being dishonest not only with yourself, but also your wife. There are many risks involved in what you are doing, including STDs, and the possibility of loosing and hurting your family. I'm sure you know what other risks there are. Please get help as soon as possible. Good luck to you. Rosa

J, First of all, I hope you know this man or men you are having oral sex with. Second, there are many risks involved with oral sex. (AIDS, HIV, Herpies) and this list goes on. Third, I honestly do not believe that we wake up one day and decided we are gay. I think for someone who is gay they have always known it, just in some cases chose not to act on it. Fourth, you have mentioned that you have a wife, and 3 children. I think that you should go and see someone very soon. Try to figure out what is really going on with you. I would also suggest that you be honest with your wife. Yes, she is going to be upset, hurt and maybe even disgusted. But, I am sure that she would much rather hear this from you than someone on the streets. Fifth, you must also do some sole searching. Figure out who, or what you are. Until you do that you are not going to be happy with a man or a women. I would just really hate for you to lose everything. Melissa

J. Find a good therapist who has worked with sexual minorities. I'm sure you can find one on the web or through a local gay community center perhaps even through your PCP. Life on the down low isn't fun or safe and certainly isn't fair to your wife. Don't try to face this alone. Chip