Can anyone else relate

Hello all, congrats on everyone making it over to the other side. Also, congrats on thoes getting dates. Here is my issue. I have been with my partner for almost six years. The first part of thoes years were really great. We were having sex, loving each other I mean the whole works. Then she hits me with this, I dont have a sex drive thing. SO, for the past two and a half years, there has been no type of sexual contact between the two of us. I have thought maybe she was seeing someone else, but then I think when would she have time. She and I work at the same place, then when she gets off work she picks up my daughter from daycare. Then, they both pick me up from work. I had also gained some weight during the time we have been together. Like 50 pounds. So, I though it was that also. I dont know. I think that the reason I have stayed with her even without the sex is I am afraid to be by myself. My daughter is attached to her, I mean as long as she can remember back Lisa (my partner) has always been in her life. I am worried about the effects of the surgery. I would like for things to work out with Lisa and I, but I feel that once I have surgery and start to lose weight I will want to find someone that is going to want to be with me in all ways. Has anyone else delt with this???? Is it just another part of the worry process???? Melissa

Melissa, Let me start by saying you may not like my answer...but my partner of 7 years ended our relationship about 3 weeks after I had my surgery! It's a very long story - but yours sounds similar - she 'had no sex drive' though we did do it occasionally, but in the last year, it was very infrequent. Here's the kicker: we broke up, and she and a friend got together within a week and f***ed like bunnies. So much for no sex drive; it really was more about us having lost our connection, and us becoming more like friends than lovers. I think it's helped me see that I deserve someone who wants me - body and soul. She's a beautiful person, and we still talk and we are working through the breakup; it's painful and sad - and yes, as I sit here on a Saturday afternoon in a coffee shop alone - it's SUCKY to be single, at first. But the truth is, there is someone for all of us who will take us 100% - and you do deserve that. My advice (did I hear you ask? ;) is to really look at what you want for yourself, and try not to make decisions based on fear and worry, but rather look at your life and decide what you want it to be. In 30 years, you don't want to look back and feel sick that you've been celibate for 32 years, do you? I used to justify it and say it didn't matter, that our relationship was really good otherwise...but the bottom line is no sex = not 100%. I'm going for the whole enchilada next time (even though a whole enchilada would kill me, post-op) Email me if you want to talk more - I hope this is helpful. Of course, my disclaimer: this is my experience - you may be coming from a totally different place. Good luck ~jenn

Jenn, Thanks for the reply. I am tired of making justifications for us not having sex. I am only 28 years old. She has just turned 40. So, I want to say that the things I want she may not want. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me in every way also. I do think that maybe we have become more like friends. Friends that share a bed together, bills and sometimes the same friends. Another thing that makes us bad is that I have an eight year old daughter. To my daughter my parnter is like another mom. So, I just dont know what to do honestly. I do love her, but it gets really hard to deal with, Melissa You can email me directly if you would like [email protected]

Melissa, Sex, especially between women, is usually a barometer of the relationship. So in that sense Jenn is totally right. But I think you are in a place where things can be saved. What you need to ask yourself is "do I still want to be with her?" After all if you don't want to be with her then you aren't doing her any favors by hanging in there. Staying together for a child's sake isn't really a good enough reason either. But this surgery can be a new start. Communication is the key. Talk to your partner. Tell her how you feel and why. Encourage her to open up to you. If you do this before hand you may find yourself really starting over after your big day. Also a professional isn't a bad idea. If you don't have a gay friendly therapist there is an awesome woman who does work with the gay community online named Coach Sappho. She is actually helping me out by being a guest columnist for me while I am out for surgery. If you want her website send me an e-mail, I will be glad to forward it to you. Though you can't control the wants, desires, and actions of your partner you can decide to fight for what you want... Whatever that may be. Cam Lindquist

Cam, I have tried so many times to talk to her about the way I feel. She tells me that she cannot change the way she is. So, for years I have just left things the way they are. I go to bed every night and I wonder is tonight going to be the night she is going to want to make love to me. How horriable is that. I want to feel again, and now I dont. I want things to work out with us, but I know that I cannot make her want to be with me, sexually, mentally or any other way if she dosent want to be. Yes, could you please send me the info [email protected] Thanks, Melissa

Hi Melissa, My partner and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, we have a daughter as well (her daughter). I'm kind of on the other side of the spectrum ....over the past few years I've been on anti-depressants and my sex drive has diminished. My partner thought I wasn't attracted to her anymore. That was the farthest from the truth; I was "numb", you know what I mean? Sex is such an important part of a relationship, it really can make or break it. I have been honest and open with her, it really hurt me when I realized that she was questioning my love for her. And I've realized that I cannot put her needs off, just because I'm not in the mood it doesn't mean that we can't have sex. Many times I get turned on by her getting turned on. Is she on any types of medicine that affect her sex drive? Unfortunately it may be one of those things where the two of your aren't destined to be together for ever. I just wanted to share my story from being on the other side. I wish you the best of luck in your surgery and in your soul searching. Jaimee By the way- My sex drive has improved since I've lost 115 pounds, yippee!!