OT-New to board-I need some help long too.

First of all let me say hello. I enjoy reading this board but have mainly lurked. I have found alot of support on OH but normally stay on my state board. Having said that this is what I need hekp with. A very dear friend of mine has told me he is gay and in a relationship with someone. I was not This had been something that I wondered about but never asked questions. He has been the dearest friend for the past 9+ years and he is so special to my family including my hsband and two kids. He has taken care of his father for over 3 years and just recently went through his death only to find out THE FOLLOWING WEEK his mother is in the beginning stages of alzheimers. He has had a very trying time and had no social life. Here is the thing, my mother-in-law has a professional relationship with him as they work for the same small company. She constantly asks questions about him which makes me and my husband furious because they are of a gossiping nature not out of concern. (we don't answer them and we tell her nothing)She makes horrid comments about him being around our children all of the time I would trust him with my children's lives any day of the week and so would my husband. They call him uncle.We asked her to keep our children on Dec.17 as I am giving him a very nice dinner party for his birthday. She asked who was coming and I told her that about six couples that Jeff was friends with. She had the audacity to corner my husband about having these "people" in our home. I am disgusted by the whole situation. I don't know whether to tell him the things she has said or keep them to myself. She has went so far as to say if the people they work for ever found out he was gay they would fire him. I want him to know those things but I see no constructive way to tell him.I would NEVER tell him the things that she has said that are so crass such as him hurting our kids by being around them but I feel he should know about his job because she is so goody goody to his face he would never know not to trust her. Sometimes I hate the small town I live in for this reason everyone is so judgemental and hateful!! I hope I haven't rambled too long or bothered you all but I need some help and felt maybe this was the place. Please help me make this all right for my friend without hurting him he doesn't deserve that. Thank you, Lorie B. Georgia

Hi Lori, I understand what your saying about small towns. My partner and I just moved to Texas from California in June. It is really different. First of all I probably wouldn't tell him because it would hurt his feelings and it really isn't anyones business what he does outside of work or who he sleeps with. You mother-in-law sounds like a lot of the people around here in the "bible belt". The funny thing is there's more swingers parties in this town then birthday parties. I would politely tell her that you don't want to hear or talk about your friend in a bad way. I would just plain 'ol lie to her when you are having him over. She needs to look in a mirror because we all have secrets and skeletons in the closet. Sorry you have to deal with this.Cyndi~Lyn's partner P.S. More then likely if his work finds out they will do absolutly nothing because it's cheaper to keep him then be sued.

Thanks for your help and I think you are right about not telling him because he doesn't deserve to be hurt. I cannot stand holier than thou people!! This is kinda funny about her but in a way it's not. She talked to us about her preacher all of the time about what a wonderful preacher and sunday school leader he was and what a fine man he was. This was one Sunday after their church service. By the next time they had church(they only meet twice a month) she found out his son who is 30+/- was gay. She couldn't believe this preacher had anything to do with him and her whole opinion of him changed. What the heck is that? People are CRAZY!! I have told her repeatedly the respect I have for my friend taking care of his parents and doing the things he does for people! She knows not to cross me again about it!! If she only knew half of the things her "approved" group of "respectable" people had done she would die!! Hey maybe I will tell her?! Just kidding! Thanks for your help!

Hi Lorie, As for your mother making comments about your friend being around your kids, you should just say to her: "Mom, you raised me to have a level head on my shoulders. And some of the best things I learned about parenting were from you. So you know you can trust that I will always have my children's best interests at heart." And then leave it at that. Please don't tell your friend any of the hurtful things your mother has said. It will only upset him and possibly jeopordize their working relationship. When your mother does bring him up in conversation, politely tell her that you simply don't feel comfortable talking about someone behind their back. Don't just ignore her, because then she'll think she can keep talking. You're a very good friend to care enough about him to look for help and support. He's lucky to have you in his life! Jen

tHANKS jEN, bY The way it was ma in law not my mom. I have told her time and time again what a great person he is(she has known him and his family all of their lives she KNOWS what a good person he is) My mother in law is one of those people who thinks her opinion has to be heard no matter what you say to her. But you are right I will NOT be a part of those conversations and I will tell her as much. Actually I am the one who is lucky to have him in my life!! He introduced me to my husband!! Thanks again Jen Lorie

Hi Lorie, First I would like to congratulate you and your husband on being open minded and wonderful, supportive friends. Your mother-in-law is obviously ignorant on the subject of homosexuality. The majority of people who sexually abuse children are heterosexual. It would be great if she would take it upon herself to educate herself on the matter, but sadly most people don't bother to do that. Her hate is not your burden to bear. You seem to be a very loving, caring person and more than likely an honest friend. If you put yourself in your friend's place, wouldn't you want to know? I sure would. By telling him, you may hurt his feelings initially, but I think you will be doing him a favor. It will give him the opportunity to watch his back. He is obviously a very strong person to have taken care of his father for so long. He will be ok if you tell him, and will probably thank you for it. Just my opinion. Thanks for coming here to share this with us. Please keep us informed. I hope it goes well for you and your friend. God bless you! Rosa

Hey Rosa, Thank you for your advice. You are right my mother-in-law is ignorant on the subject of homosexuality. She has some whacked ideas! She made the comment that she was glad Cole(my friend) didn't tell his father because he would have died sooner. She said she would disown her own kids if they "chose that lifestyle" according to her. I hate to tell her I have two daughters and if they discover they are Lesbians then she isn't invited to our Gay pride parade and she better leave them alone. I never knew she was like this until recently it is flipping me out! I simply do not know what to do. Cole is all about honesty and for that reason I think I should tell him. When he told me he wasn't concerned I would freak out he felt he had lied to me and tha bothered him. I know honesty is important to him but the hurtful things she says, well some of those will n ot be repeated but as far as his job goes I think he needs to know it won't be like a newsflash to him we live in a very conservative town so it will just confirm part of what he knows. Thanks so much for all of your help I will let you know how it goes at his job. You guys ar great and thanks again!! Lorie

Hi Rosa I've never been big on secrets but I think the real issue is your mother in law making unacceptable remarks and the line in the sand needs to be drawn with her. She can think what she likes and she can do what she likes in her own home but when it comes to your life and your home and your kids - back off Grandma!! I don't think I would tell your friend - because the issue is not really with him but with your mother in law. But you can let him know that she's a pain and a homophobe without relaying the nasty things she said so that he's got some idea of the environment. Trust your instincts and thanks for sharing the issue so openly here. Charlotte

Hi Lorie, It's been a while since you posted this, and I have had you and your friend on my mind. What did you decide to do? What happened? Your story really touched me, and I guess I haven't forgotten about you. Please let me know. If you wish, you can email me at [email protected]. Rosa