GLBT "fat-acceptance" community

I'm curious what reactions ya'll have had from the GLBT community, especially after losing weight. I know in both the lesbian and gay male (well, bears at least) community there's a fairly strong fat acceptance movement. What's been the reaction from friends/peers in the community? I must say I'm not heavily involved in the gay community around here, but those I do have contact with are having a strange reaction to me even considering the surgery. Its almost as if they're seeing it as me giving in to societal pressures and in doing so, giving up a part of myself. I've explained the severe health issues of morbid obesity but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I guess I've never really minded being fat in terms of how other people see me. Gawd forbid, I'm already gay, I'm already a woman, they've got plenty of other things to judge me on already! Just curious if others have had the same reactions.

(I'm mostly a lurker around here b/c I don't find the time to post, but I had to respond to this one.) When I had my surgery three years ago, I got reactions from lesbian peers accusing me basically of selling out to the (male, mainstream) stereotypes of beauty, of betraying the "self" nature gave me, and even, as I got thinner and less "curvy" of trying to suppress my femaleness in favor of androgyny...for a suppressed group, we dykes can sure dish out the judgments, no? Interestingly, my gay male friends tended to be more supportive, in some cases probably mainly because I was more fun to shop with ;) and also I suppose because there seems to be such a premium placed on appearance for (some) gay men. The problem I found over and over with G/L and straight friends alike was the persistent inability to "get" the idea that this wasn't just about my appearance but more importantly about my health. This is the kind of thing that the healthcare professionals are really poorly-equipped to prepare us for pre-op...the radical changes in the dynamics of *all* relationships in regard to the surgery is a much bigger upheaval than the simple mechanics of eating and getting adequat nutrition!

There is a large part of the LGBT community that is SO fast to pass judgement on others for trying to change or better themselves. I put those people in the same catagory as lesbians that have taken the vow of poverty! I did not have this surgery 2-1/2 yrs and 200 pounds ago for anyone but me and to be able to live longer for my two children. I never once thought about what it would be like to be "normal" size...just healthy. I never thought about being "better" looking...just to play every day and keep up with my boys. It's weird now to think that my boys will never remember me being heavy. My mother is MO and I recall never doing anything active as a kid, like a water park, hiking, biking, camping...I want more for my kids. I want to do more and be an active part of thier childhood and to make some great healthy memories with them. The habits they learn now they will take into adulthood and perhaps never have a weight problem. An interesting thing happened with losing all the weight. After 9 yrs with my partner...she dumped me for someone that is MO. In the last few months of getting into the dating world I find I will not consider being with someone MO because I feel being around someone with poor eating/exercise habits could be dangerous for my long term success with this tool. I never thought I would ever feel that way...but my life now is too important to fall into a dangerous situation.

Great post! I'm kind of in a unique situation. Just before I came out in 1996, I lost 100lbs so I experienced coming out as a thin and rather built person. Due to health issues I gained over 200lbs about 5 years ago. I remember how many friends lost touch with me when I gained weight. In fact my friend group almost entirely changed. My partner however stood by me. He was concerned about my health but never hinted at leaving me because of my weight. We eventually started to hang out with an entirely new group of friends who never knew me as a thin person. They marveled at old pictures of me. I will say when in most gay bars I felt extremely uncomfortable because of being fat. Most gay men don't like stocky guys, however, when we would visit bear bars or chubby/chaser events the attention was unbelievable. I've now lost 106 lbs in the last 3 and 1/2 months. I'm working out and lifting. I think I look like I've lost more that I actually have. We went to NYC this past weekend and went to several bars for Halloween on Monday night. I have to tell you I was surprised and Heath (my partner) was a little amused by all the attention I got at the "traditional" gay bars and how little attention I got at the Eagle (more of a bear bar). We both laughed about the looks I got several times on Halloween. We even went to see a friend of his who is a bartender in a straight bar and had a few straight women giving both of us attention. That was certainly a first but soon ended when in his tipsy state he gave me a big ole kiss on the lips. The other thing is that we were invited to a Christmas party with our old group of friends. I haven't heard from them in years and can imagine why we suddenly got an invite to their party but we are going because we would like to see a couple of people who will be flying in to town for the party. By the date of the party I'll probably be down another 10 or so pounds. They don't know I had surgery so I'll be curious about how they react. To be quite honest I could careless what they think and how they react but it will give Heath and I a good laugh and something to dish about with our new group of friends, who by the way are fine with the new thin me. It is an interesting group we are all apart of. Chip

Wow, I think I just found a thesis topic..... This is something I have experienced more from a feminist angle rather than a specifically lgbt one... I know that there are people who dont talk to me anymore... But I prefer to think of it as jelousy.

Super post Jen. I have to say that I identify as being a "bear", so to speak. I really found my comfort zone in that community and felt that it was ok to be a bigger guy and gay. I always saw ultra thin guys that were very concerned with their looks and such. Well, I am not afraid that losing weight will cause me to lose my identity as a gay male. I do know that some guys around here have had the surgery and are thin and still hang in the bear crowd. There are some guys that really like big guys and ignore these thinner guys. But, I am married to a wonderful man that loves me no matter what, so I am not out seraching. He wants me to be around for a long time, so whatever that takes. I think that some heavier guys don't like it when people lose weight, either through surgery or diet and then get an attitude about fat people. Well, I can say that not matter how much weight I lose, I will always remember where I was. I agree that gay folks are often quick to pass judgement about other people. I do feel that the physical things that people judge others by are so trivial. Yet these folks are constantly looking for someone to date or dream to be partnered, but have a laundry list of requirements a mile long. Usually never on those lists though are the important things like honesty, integrity, intelligence, dedication, and responsibility. Those things mean a lot more to me than a 30 inch waist, a head full of hair, body hair or lack of it (lol), abs, and the list goes on.

Do it for your health. Our health has to be #1. April of 03 I had my surgery at that time I was 500lbs. I have been able to lose 231lbs so far. December of 04 I accepted I am gay and came out. When I had my surgery I was told it would be one of the hardest things I would do in life. now coming-out is the second hardest thing I've done so far. But never would I go back. Nothing I have experienced since my surgery compares to how hard life was being obese. all my health problems have clearded up. I have more days I consider great than bad days.Life is so different being smaller.Maybe the people who give you a hard time have some issues they need to address about themselves and let you do what you feel is best for you. There are a lot of LGBT prople who will support you.I guess I have been luckey the LGBT people I have made friends with see my before picture an can't belive what I have accomplished.You will be amazed how great you will feel. Instead of seeing yourself as a overweight gay woman. See yourself as a healthy gay woman. Just do what is best for you. Only you know. Ric

I honestly didn't travel very deeply into the gay community before my surgery. Most of my friends were the ones I had from college. My partner and I both prefer to stay on the skirtstrings of the community - so I don't quite know what to say as far as GLBT specific reaction. I will say this, the majority of my friends are Bi-identified. Their reactions have been amazing. Suddenly my health was a viable topic (because they were all worried, but never permitted by me to say anything about it.) The women all got spooked as I hit their weights, and I've lost some friends who I've become much smaller than. The men have taken me as a partner on their own journeys to fitness (one friend has lost 50 lbs just adopting some WLS habits) as I've gained more information about how this "long-heathy life" thing works. As for me, former women's study major that I was. . .I had a big negative reaction to my sorority sister's announcement that she was going to be having WLS. For all my feminist rhetorical bluster - I was pissed that there was going to be one less fat girl in the group. My sister in fattie-dom was abandoning me. When I became honest with myself - after a weekend of visiting a 40 year old friend's heart attack, then spending time with my terribly sick SMO mother. . . .suddenly I realized that "Selling out to the oppressive. . .blah blah blah. . ." crapola didn't hold value at all. Did I want to die young and miserable, or choose to try and live a long healthy life. Well, that wasn't a hard choice to make put that way. (Also becomes a pretty easy argument to win. . .for people who are attempting to give you a gnasty time about it) One thing I miss about being a fat woman was the ability to go to straight bars for a simple drink/nosh with friends or work colleagues in peace. Men suddenly notice me now, and it's irritating. (how could they have missed a 6'3" 400+ lb woman?!?). . . What about sitting with my partner or girlfriends communicates an intense desire to be hit on? Comes with the territory. Good post - you made people think - this makes you a dangerous person ~Lara Lap RNY 4-1-04 400+/186 Ran first 10 mile race 10/1/05

Hi Jen - I moved here from Minneapolis about 2 1/2 years ago and I do know that Mpls has one of the best GLBT communities I know. I did visit this past June (Pride weekend) and met Lara - and saw several other women I know who have had surgery or were contemplating it. Saw a lot of others who I hadn't seen since my surgery 1 1/2 years ago - and got many, many, compliments - and inquiries about my health and the major improvements to my health. I felt no negatives either as a large woman or as a much smaller one. Now I do know that in the "fat acceptance" community there are a lot of negative reactions to wls but my health was such an issue I paid no attention to any negativity. Politically, I agree with them - size should never be a discrimination issue. Here, I have had some kind of weird reactions from a couple of large men who are no longer interested in being my friend. It's as if they feel that my smaller size is a criticism of their size even though that is not at all the message I convey. I was very involved in the GLBT community in MN - and loved it. There's lots of room for involvement and volunteering. People who know you are very caring. Ruth

Hi there~ My partner and I dont venture too far into the gay community because there is not a very big community here in Northern Indiana. However, I did have a "friend" accuse me of selling out, and even went as far to tell me that if I have this surgery I must not be gay. Um HELLO! I've been so gay my entire life and had the surgery for no one but myself!! I have received a lot of support from gay men that I work with. They always tell me how "hot" I look. LOL! Jaimee