Family, I need help.
I guess I should begin by telling you that I am married with three children. I have been married for 17 years. You might wonder why I come to this board. I come here because I find friendship, love and support. I consider all of you my extended family. I am telling you all this because I need help. My husband and my middle child, Mike, have never gotten along. Mike is 13 and big for his age. My husband has always been somewhat abusive to him, but then Mike is no angel either. Let's just say he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and you can take it from there. Well, last night, the sh-- hit the fan. Mike and his brother got into a physical fight over the TV. Their father stepped in and once again blamed Mike and called him names and threw a gate (one of those gates you use when children are small) at him and threatened to call the police. He ran after MIke and Mike took a knife from the kitchen and threatened his father with it and then ran up the stairs. I was in bed and did not hear most of this until I heard Mike outside my door screaming and crying saying he could not take much more of this. I took him into my room and calmed him down, hugged him and told him this was not his fault and that something was going to be done about this soon.
My marriage has sucked for a long time. He is not an ogre, but he is a terrible father. Years have gone by without any physical contact between us save for a peck on the cheek. My parents were divorced so it was very important to me to stay married, but I cannot take this anymore. I need advice. Where do I start? I know that some of you have been married previously and obtained divorces. How do I do this? Also, I am in deep debt and my credit sucks so I just feel so lost. Any advice would be so appreciated.
Carol
Carol 
Dear Carol, 
What a difficult decision you have to make. You've explained very clearly that you have been unhappy in your marriage for a long time, and that your husband isn't what you would consider a "good" father. So, now what do we do?
First, we need a concrete decision, because, once you begin this process, no matter hard you try, everything seems to come down to numbers and dates. I speak from experience; I too was married and decided that my sanity, and my children's safety were more important than "marriage forever." The tiny little fact that I was gay--and didn't fully know or acknowledge it--actually had nothing to do with what happened all those years ago.
We all know that over time, people grow (one way or the other; better or worse) our directions and goals in life change, and you realize that, the person you married 17 years ago, may not be the person you need, or want to spend the rest of your life with. You're trying to do one of the most important jobs there is: raise children. You need dependable from your husband, or you may as well do it yourself. If and when you decide that it's truly time to make the break and move forward with your life, here is what I suggest.
Please tell me you have a job. One of the biggest drawbacks to being a stay-at-home mom, though it's a tremendously important job, is that it renders you less than prepared, to rebuild your life. If safety is a concern, working or not, it's time to leave. Friends, family,--whatever you need to do: do it and get out!
I'm not hearing you say that your life, or your children's lives are in immediate danger (though your husband's slowly chipping away at their self esteem--and yours, are two more concrete reasons to begin making your way toward the door) I do hear you saying that it is time to make a change, and you're ready to begin that process.
Sit down with yoru finances, and figure out what you can afford. An apartment? Would you end up selling the house and buying a new one? Who will be your support people, that he cannot influence? Are you safe if you leave. Be honest with these answers because later, these exact same questions will be asked of you.
Next, acquire a family law attorney. The retainer fee sucks, and it's usually one to two thousand dollars, but it's a necessary evil. I borrowed my retainer fee from a close friend (my children's safety was in danger, and so was mine, so I had to get out fast!) I was lucky-- in marital property, we didn't have much, so the biggest issue was placement of the children. Depending on your children's ages, a guardian at lietem (sp) will represent them. You'll discuss with your lawyer placement, visitation, and all the things in the interest of the children. The less your husband fights and makes the process longer, the less expensive it is. I wish I could tell you to do this without a lawyer, but trust me, if you don't get one, he WILL and you'll get majorly screwed!
You have to tell someone you trust. You'll need a hell of a lot of support through this. Coming here to this site is good; but someone you can physically go to and that can be present for you through the next few months or so while you figure all this out---I can't tell you how tremendously important that will be.
One fallicy that you'll hear repeated over and over is: you can make it work, if you really want to. But sometimes, Carol, just because you "can" make it work, doesn't mean you "should"(wise words from my therapist many years ago...) Sometimes, it's time to move forward. If you feel like your life is not moving forward in the relationship you are in, it may be time to walk away. Some people get wrapped up in the religious aspect of, "til death do us part" but they don't take into consideration "emotional death." That's what we're talking about here and now--your emotional safety, and that of your children. Trust me, divorce is not the EASY way out; it's one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever make---but honestly, I've had the monumental fortune of being a part of support groups for divorced people and, rarely do you find a person *****grets the decision to walk away from a relationship that no longer is.
I can't begin to cover the spectrum of divorce in one email, but I can be a source of support for you, and help direct you to many more if you should decide this is the route you are ready to take. You and your children deserve an environment of safety, love, unconditional positive regard, and one where growth and vitality are not threatened.
Much love and peace to you in the coming days, and months, as you make your decisions and begin laying your path for a new life. You are not alone.
Jessica 
What a difficult decision you have to make. You've explained very clearly that you have been unhappy in your marriage for a long time, and that your husband isn't what you would consider a "good" father. So, now what do we do?
First, we need a concrete decision, because, once you begin this process, no matter hard you try, everything seems to come down to numbers and dates. I speak from experience; I too was married and decided that my sanity, and my children's safety were more important than "marriage forever." The tiny little fact that I was gay--and didn't fully know or acknowledge it--actually had nothing to do with what happened all those years ago.
We all know that over time, people grow (one way or the other; better or worse) our directions and goals in life change, and you realize that, the person you married 17 years ago, may not be the person you need, or want to spend the rest of your life with. You're trying to do one of the most important jobs there is: raise children. You need dependable from your husband, or you may as well do it yourself. If and when you decide that it's truly time to make the break and move forward with your life, here is what I suggest.
Please tell me you have a job. One of the biggest drawbacks to being a stay-at-home mom, though it's a tremendously important job, is that it renders you less than prepared, to rebuild your life. If safety is a concern, working or not, it's time to leave. Friends, family,--whatever you need to do: do it and get out!
I'm not hearing you say that your life, or your children's lives are in immediate danger (though your husband's slowly chipping away at their self esteem--and yours, are two more concrete reasons to begin making your way toward the door) I do hear you saying that it is time to make a change, and you're ready to begin that process.
Sit down with yoru finances, and figure out what you can afford. An apartment? Would you end up selling the house and buying a new one? Who will be your support people, that he cannot influence? Are you safe if you leave. Be honest with these answers because later, these exact same questions will be asked of you.
Next, acquire a family law attorney. The retainer fee sucks, and it's usually one to two thousand dollars, but it's a necessary evil. I borrowed my retainer fee from a close friend (my children's safety was in danger, and so was mine, so I had to get out fast!) I was lucky-- in marital property, we didn't have much, so the biggest issue was placement of the children. Depending on your children's ages, a guardian at lietem (sp) will represent them. You'll discuss with your lawyer placement, visitation, and all the things in the interest of the children. The less your husband fights and makes the process longer, the less expensive it is. I wish I could tell you to do this without a lawyer, but trust me, if you don't get one, he WILL and you'll get majorly screwed!
You have to tell someone you trust. You'll need a hell of a lot of support through this. Coming here to this site is good; but someone you can physically go to and that can be present for you through the next few months or so while you figure all this out---I can't tell you how tremendously important that will be.
One fallicy that you'll hear repeated over and over is: you can make it work, if you really want to. But sometimes, Carol, just because you "can" make it work, doesn't mean you "should"(wise words from my therapist many years ago...) Sometimes, it's time to move forward. If you feel like your life is not moving forward in the relationship you are in, it may be time to walk away. Some people get wrapped up in the religious aspect of, "til death do us part" but they don't take into consideration "emotional death." That's what we're talking about here and now--your emotional safety, and that of your children. Trust me, divorce is not the EASY way out; it's one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever make---but honestly, I've had the monumental fortune of being a part of support groups for divorced people and, rarely do you find a person *****grets the decision to walk away from a relationship that no longer is.
I can't begin to cover the spectrum of divorce in one email, but I can be a source of support for you, and help direct you to many more if you should decide this is the route you are ready to take. You and your children deserve an environment of safety, love, unconditional positive regard, and one where growth and vitality are not threatened.
Much love and peace to you in the coming days, and months, as you make your decisions and begin laying your path for a new life. You are not alone.
Jessica (((((((((Jessica)))))))))
I knew I would hear from you!!! You are truly a dear person!!
Here are my plans for this week. Tomorrow I am calling 3 attorneys to find out if they have free consultations. I hope to meet with at least one on Tuesday. Tomorrow evening, I have my appointment with my therapist who will most likely be my main support through all of this. I don't mean to imply that I don't have friends, I do, but people always seem to be busy with their own lives and I don't want to intrude too much.
You are right that we are not in immediate danger(he is not threatening to kill us). I was struck, however when you mentioned "emotional death". That so aptly describes my life and my children's I believe. It is horrible when you are not physically wanted by the person you have pledged your life to. I never once cheated on my husband although I don't think many would have blamed me. I am an honest and loyal person and I would not have done something that I consider to be devious.
Thank you so much for all your time in thinking about what you wanted to say and taking the time to type it. I truly appreciaate your friendship and hope that someday I get to thank you in person.
Take care, Jess.
Carol
Carol 
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