Goin' crazy!
Hey everybody,
I need to talk; so here goes...
Being a hospice nurse is a lot of things to me: humbling; exhausting; requires a hell of a lot of knowledge, patience and inginuity. I do love my wor****ep people comfortable, in their own homes, for the last days, weeks, or even hours of their lives. My day is spent problem solving; teaching; and learning... I go home so emotionally exhausted some days; but ultimately I know, I did everything I could do to provide comfort to my patients, and educations to their families.
Here's the drawback. Here I am, trying to remain on this Adkins diet. I'm stressed: MAXIMALLY. One of my patients, a little four year old, died the other night (I normally work 8 hour days, but when I have children patients, I go whenever the parents call--regardless of what time of day or night it is). Every single day, for the past 5 days, Ij've been yanked out of bed by my pager to fight some fire from the night before. I'm okay with that; I signed up for that. But the problem is; some days I don't eat, drink, even pee until 6:00pm because I just don't have time!!
I go from home to another, offering whatever comfort, pain/symptom management that I can; and in between patients, I'm on the phone to the pharmacy to change or add medications-- the doctor to report changes and make suggestion-- my boss to up date on the really difficult patients-- with family to walk them through emergency care until I can get there. Whew!!! My brain is about to explode!!!!
I find myself, around 3 or 4pm--looking at absolutely ANY restaurant and wanting to STOP in my tracks and eat whatever the hell is placed in front of me!!! I'm not necessarily craving anything; I don't have time to crave!! But some days, I'm so hungry I'm absolutely dumb! The other day, I passed by an all you can eat restaurant, and thought: "I can go there and eat Adkins style!" What the hell am I thinking? We all know when we go to 'trough' like all-you-can-eat places, we eat a zillion times our own weight in food!!! My brain is all but spent!!
I bring a huge water jug filled with water every day, and drive around with it in my front seat: but the odd thing is, many days, I forget to drink it because not a minute of my day is without something I have to do!!! I tried bringing food in a cooler...that worked for a minute: then I woke up!! It seems that most days, crisis surrounds me, and I gotta go, go, go!! Somehow, someway, I need to get a handle on this before it beats me to the ground.
It doesn't help that my oldest daughter has been stranded twice in the same week, buy a dead car: somehow, we manage to get her to work, school, and get her car repaired without completely wiping our our bank account: but I haven't quite figured out how the hell we've managed that!! And, my youngest daughter hit adolescence like a truck runs over a squirrel: BAM--no warning, it's just there!! So she needs her mommy. And I need to be present for her, --and for her depressed, stressed about college, intermittantly car-less sister!
My oldest girl is looking into colleges to start in January. Can I tell you how much work that process is!! She is, by and large, doing the bulk of the research, but I am reviewing all her choices, working to get all the paperwork in order, and helping her with the financial aid paperwork: can I tell you how many forests had to die so one kid can go to college??? The paperwork is absolutely ridiculous!!!
So, needless to say, this nurse/mom/wife/psycho is exhausted. Spent. Pooped. And hungry. Bad combinations, I know. And, I just needed to vent to my family.
Thank you for listening.
If you finished this whole post, you are a saint!!
Jessica 
and to relax before you are no good to no one. I do commend you on your willing to help people, and be a good mother and wife. I am here when ever you need to vent. Just make sure you take time for you. So get some 
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((((((((((((Jessica))))))))))))
You poor baby. I feel for you. As I think you know, I am also a nurse, psychiatric, and this has been a week from hell for me as well.
Something's gotta give or you will go bust. May I suggest some alone time? How about getting a massage or going to a (cheap) retreat for a weekend? The girls can manage without Mom for a day or two and the time alone will rejuvenate you. Then you will be more refreshed so you have something to give to your patients, your daughters and your partner.
We nurses have this nasty habit of putting everyone ahead of ourselves.
Take care of Jessica. She needs you.
Carol
Take care of Jessica. She needs you.
Carol 
Jessica !
Hospices nurses burn out for good reason: They usually do too darn much ! You have enough on your plate being a mom and working fulltime. You've GOT to turn off that beeper at the end of your workday. You really have to let the on-call nurses handle the night so you can be at your best in the morning and throughout your day at work. Lord knows you know your kids [as grown up as they make think they are] still want mama to solve everything or be there whenever they want you. You've got to rest/sleep at night so you're not dragging your poor ass home totally exhausted without energy for your kids or yourself. Good Lord woman !---Nurses are NOT superhuman. I also am a nurse and have learned over the years that self preservation is the most important lesson a nurse can learn.
Be better to yourself !
Wow Jessica,
I am not a nurse, but I kinda get what you are dealing with. As a teacher of children with disabilities, I have a tough time with getting all my work done also. I don't have children, but sometimes I am doing for my students what some mom and dads are doing at home.
I have been in a few 12 step programs and one of the things asked to someone when there are signs of someone slipping is" Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?"
I see 2 out of the 4 in your post. I agree with the others it is time for you. And if someone said that me I would say,"But when?" When is there time for us? In special ed. we are told to put our arms down. Why? Well because we walk around as if we were ready to be placed on the cross. We can't do it all. You wonderful nurses can't either.
Have you ever heard of the "Lessons from the Geese"? Look it up and read it.
Thanks for letting us know how you are and keep us all posted. We are here for each other and we get strong when one feels weak. We need to keep honking to let those in the lead know we are supporting them.
On the journey,
David
Jessica,
That is a lot to wrap my head around. Its a wonder you had any enery to write that at all let alone articulate it as well as you did.
You must find the time to stop and eat and drink properly, and rest. If you do not make the conscience decision to, your body will make you, and that won't be pretty. If you do not care for yourself first, you will not be able to sustain caring for others.
Kudos to you and the work that you do, it takes a special calling, so don't lose yourself along the way!
Maureen
I agree with everyone else - just didn't know if you'd want to hear it one more time. You have to take care of yourself if you want to continue with your hectic schedule. If you don't, who will?? However, with you on the go all the time, it will be difficult, but you "have" to make time for yourself. I'd hate to see you get run down. It'll happen eventually. I admire you in your ambitions to help those who need you, but YOU need you too. Take a little time now and then for yourself. Get your bearings together so you can continue on helping others. I realize everyone needs you, but if you don't take care of yourself first, you won't be there to help them. Sounds like you're on the road to running yourself ragged. Stop before you reach that point or you won't be any good to anyone. Wish I had better offerings of advice, but I'm no therapist - just a friend seeing the road you're headed down. Slow down once in a while. Catch your breath. R E L A X - just do it! It may help.
.........Vicki
JESSICA!!
Hey Honey. I've been out of circuit for a while, had a quick minute and read your post. It does seem that when it rains it pours.. so to when it shines meaning it will get better. I sure know where your coming from - it's not necessarily what we do, although the more demands we have the more it shows up.. but who we are as individuals - we want to be everything to everybody. It's our nature to please and also to be in control. At least it is with me. I'm still learning my workplace still functions without me! Your friends here have given good advice and I second, third, etc... them. I find that if I hold my water in one hand or have it very close to me that I am more apt to drink it. I know you said you tried bringing food. I still think thats the best option. If I have something with me I do not feel as deprived and also I feel that I need to eat what I brought just for the fact that I have it. Anyway, nothings fool proof as we all know. Just some thoughts, encouragements and love 
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