having wls - can't take the pain of invisibility

hi i'm new to this board too. i am in the process of going through pre-op testing and hope to have a date after my meeting with the surgeon next month. my weight has wavered between 210 and 300 lbs for the past 20 years and I've finally had enough. I've tried to live as normal a life as possible - tried to remain physically active, etc. but I am tired of being treated like I am the big fat pal when it comes to relationships. I am 42 years old and I have never had a relationship - and believe me - it's not like I haven't tried or thought I might be headed towards one - two - ten - twenty - but then there's always the moment when the other person lets me know that i am the pal - and they are sorry for the misinterpretation - but I am such a great friend - so nice - I've heard it over and over and I'm so sick of it. SO sick of being told that I am attractive but just not the right type. I've heard every excuse in the book to paraphrase "you are too fat." I'm in a pretty visible position too. I gave up a great career to enter into a PhD program at an Ivy League university. For two years I have run the gay group at my university - basically - if you are gay and you come to my university as a grad student or med student - you'll soon hear about me. I am surrounded by lesbians - so I'm no wallflower. Plus, I act and direct in my off time as well. When I had my psych evaluation, that was the curious issue about me - I love being social and centerstage - i'm not in hiding at all - but I've still never had a relationship - because I've been rejected my entire life. Believe me I cry myself to sleep every night - for decades. I ask myself over and over why I am so invisible when it comes to other lesbians - and by the way - I smell good - so cross off that option! Anyway - this is all to say that it's very heartening to read about all of you who have gone through the wls process, yet had healthy relationships before the surgery. You've clearly found someone who has a deep and unswerving love for you and it's touching to read your stories.

Hi S Humm, you shared a lot, though, I don't know you well enough to give much advice, but I'll try... First, I wanted to welcome you to this board. Second, Congratulations on taking the steps towards your weight loss journey. ...Most of us have been heavy most of our lives and have experienced some of the same experiences, including rejection because of our weight. I also had a similar situation, when I was coming out, but it was even more Confusing because I had lost wt and was by all accounts looking good. I had the guys lined up, but had a hard time getting the women interested which was very frustrating as you know. Also, I have found women to be hader to meet or hook up with (Just My Experience). The sheer numbers make it harder than in the straight world. Weight is a issue, but EVEN when you lose weight this can occur. I think it did with me because I was trying too hard, you know? I've gotten a lot of benefirt from counseling. LMHC's are better to talk to, In my experience. I learned not to get stuck with one you don't like or can't connect with - move around to find the one you do. Anyway, I'm not sure if that helps or not, but there ya go. Keep writing

Awwwwwwww hunni :::::::::::::hugs:::::::::: I DEFINITELY know how you feel. I've only had let's see, hmm, about three relationships in my entire life. I'm 30yo, soon to be 31 (in Jan.) and until my current relationship, the longest one was over 3 months. People are strange. Doesn't matter what you look like, or how social and/or anti-social someone can be, it's just well, I dunno... One thing I definitely DO know is, your true love will find you, when you least expect it. EVERYONE has a soul mate. That is a fact. Don't question my sources Stick around, you'll meet some INCREDIBLE folks/family here. Get us a pic up, too, I'm a pic ho and it drives me crazy when I can't "see" my family PS I'm a major jokester, so don't ever get offended by me ok? B -100

I am feeling really weird about how this surgery is going to impact my dating life as well. I live in a small town in rural (ultra-conservative) Pennsylvania and I am realizing for the first time that I might actually want to be in a relationship. I have had past relationships but because of how I looked I never expected much of my partners and I always got what I expected. I am kind of a wallflower and find that this entire process has changed my feelings about myself -- in the best possible way. For the first time in my adult life I am really ready to have some fun. I have been a total work-a-holic. I am wondering what my future holds and so excited to find out. I was thinking of trying to move to a town where there is a larger gay community and I have also considered quitting my job to earn my PhD. I feel like I am off on a new adventure and who knows what it might hold. Good Luck to you. Feel free to e-mail me and maybe we could exchange some instant messages. I would love to be able to chat with someone who is wondering how this surgery will impact her dating life. Laurie