Nobody warns you about this....

I am a 40 yr old lesbian from WI that had open RNY 2.5 yrs ago and (now) 180 or so pounds ago. I have gone to support group after group and online support up the wazzoo since my surgery. Everyone warns us about how to handle the extra attention from others so not to jepardize our partnerships. Nobody tells you that your partner may feel you are gonna leave them eventually because of all the extra attention and so they beat you to the bunch with the first offer that comes along. Which was SO untrue...I loved my partner with all I had. I was with my partner for almost 9 years, two fantastic children we had together, nice house, two new cars...even two little dogs...and she cheated on me with a woman that is so unhealthy both physically and mentally, it is beyond my comprehension! She has even told me she likes being with this person because she is more screwed up than her! Obviously, we have two kids together to co-parent...I really need some good advice to get through this...In 8 weeks since she told me and totally called it quits...she won't do any couples counseling. I have lost 43 pounds...after not losing a pound in over a year. I drink too much beer, don't hardly eat, don't sleep, smoke again after quitting for 5 years, and general feel like crap. I have had a tummy tuck/panniculectomy and a breast reduction in the last year on top of the open RNY scar...I feel like a rototiller had their way with me with all the scars I have. I can honestly say...I had more confidence at 400 pounds than I do right now at 215. I could use some help from "family" to get me through this. I am so lost. thanks ~Dawnne

Awww (((((((((((((Dawnne)))))))))))))) Sweetie, I have had many talks with my gf and she still has trust issues. She thinks and feels the same way as your partner did, too, however she won't cheat on me but it does put a strain on our relationship when trust is little-to-none. All I can say is give this time. I don't know how to advise you any other way, but I'm keeping you in my heart and thoughts and hoping your days get clearer and brighter (((((((((hugs))))))) Beth

I am sorry to read what is happening in your life. I read your post a few hours ago and have thought about what to say. I wish I could say something that would or could make you feel better. However, I don't think I can. I do hope you can get some help with this. There is no way of knowing how a relationship will work. I know when I went into surgery that I might lose my guy because he is a chubby chaser. Who knows, he may find someone else, but then again who knows. I also know that I am one that has lacked attention and wonder what will happen to me when someone does make a pass. No one can ever tell us all the bad that can come out of our changes because we are all different. What we have in common is the surgery-or hopes for it- but we all have different issues. It does sound like you are hurting inside and out. Remember that today is all we have. We have to live one day at a time, and sometimes one second at a time. Remember that your children need you. We need you. Thanks for sharing. We need reminders that our lives do change, and sometimes it is not the way we want it to. David

Dawnne~ ((((HUGS)))) Im so sorry your going threw this right now,well my advice isnt the greatest but maybe give your partner some time and keep in touch with her and hopefully youll be able to get threw this together and get counselling maybe shes not ready right now !! I think we as the wls patient go threw changes but dont realize our partners do too and although i think cheating is sooo wrong I think if 2 people really love eachother they BOTH can agree to make it work then it will . but if its not something YOU or HER want then my advice is to move on and get some counselling for yourself and your kids!!and not blame yourself for HER faults I hate to say it but wls isnt a excuse for her to cheat on you there had to be other underlying issues that were there before surgery.and maybe it would have happened anyways,who knows.You have to take care of yourself you obviously loved your self enough to get this surgery and be healthy..so you have to continue your life in a healthy way for you and your kids! they need a healthy mom. they need you right now too this is a drastic change in there life right now and you have to show them that threw all lifes hurdles theres always a way To something better with acceptance and support (like here)and determination that yoou are not going to accept this as your fault and you are not going to take this from someone,you will overcome this and move on and i wish you all the best and either way dawnne you WILL BE OKAY !!! with her or without her !sending you positve vibes and lots of huggs your way !! a online praying for you, Jeanette P.s feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to im a good listener !

Dawnee, I am sorry to hear about the your relationship. Its so hard to lose a SO under any cir****tances. I gotta say, the first thing I thought of is your children, and you must be healthy for yourself so you can care for them and for them, because they need you. You need to be kind to yourself, quit the health damaging behavior, because when it is all said and done, you must love yourself first. I pray you find some peace......be good to yourself. Maureen

Hi Dawnne I was in a committed relationship for 9 yrs too. The best advice I can give you is to take care of YOU. Here's what I did.. Sought counseling on my own. Kept talking, using my support resources. Started smoking and drinking (a lot). Just like you I had quit (8 yrs) and started back up when we separated. I was so miserable I was destroying myself. It took me 5 years to quit again. I don't know how difficult it is for you with children. I've never been in that position, but I can empathize. I do know it's hard to stop the SD (self-destructive) behavior so don't beat yourself up when you SLIP - We WON'T Feel free to email me L. Jo-Ell

thank you for everyone's kind words. I am working hard to get onto the other side of this. I am seeing a therapist, my Dr. put me on Prozac and a sleep aid, and I really am trying to be good to myself. It is SO hard because she still lives in the basement...we own the house together and obviously we need to co-parent our children. Everything right now is to keep the boys stable. The bad thing is I get to see all the comings and goings of a person that once was my partner and now appears to be a teen ager on spring break. It is SO hard to try and heal in this situation but I know in the long run it's better for the boys...I just hope I don't get lost trying to save them. ~Dawnne