New with a question....

Hi everyone! Before I ask my question, I want to introduce myself. My name is Chad, I am 33 y/o, 5'10 an 345lbs. I have spend the better part of the last 3 weeks surfing this website reading the boards and profiles. This website is an excellent place for information!! I love it! Anyway, on to my question. I am not sure if this question applies to all areas of the gay community, but it sure applies here in Minneapolis. Society in general tends to look down upon large people, most of us are familiar with this. From my experience the average gay man looks down upon large gay men even more so than the general public. It's almost like you have to be skinny,good looking and perfect for anyone to even want to be friends with you. For those who are post-op, how has WLS changed the way the gay community views you as a person? Has it been a positive experience? I ask this question because everyone says that you change as a person after the surgery and that people view you differently. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Dear Chad, Welcome! I can only speak from the Lesbian experience.....but yes, you are not crazy!!! All folks, Gay/straight/mid-point look down with pity and/or disgust at larger folks......look how Will and Grace gets a laugh (albeit canned laughter) every time Jack jokes that Will is fat! I can pass on this bit of wisdom I picked up at my first infromational meeting I went to for my surgeon and WLS program.....the speaker said that everything changes after surgery and wt loss....everything....some relationships get stronger and closer, some deteriorate and dissolve....marriages come alive or finally die......some spouses say they want you thin and healthy and mean it, and then others are threatened by your new found power and life.....some friends can't hang and leave, others find you....finally! And to back this all up....I have an online friend who had the surgery and her BEST friend actually told her she didn't think she could handle her wt loss! She told her friend...."I'm sorry, but I can't stop this!" So.....there are as many different reactions to us and our personal journeys as there are people! All I can say is........like I told my family....I would rather die trying to live....then live trying to die! I can truely say this has been a miracle in my life and all those brave souls that choose to journey with me are welcomed......those who are upset that I have somehow upset the dysfunctional apple cart....my heart goes out to them....and I trust that they will find their peace. So........life is exploration......not stagnation! Best of Luck!!! Goddess Bless! Sally RNY 5/24/05 318/285/125

I just wanted to say - That's a fantastic post!

Hi Chad , Welcome to this safe happy place. This is one place where we all understand about the obese experience and I am sure every one of us has felt a bit of social attitude from both the straight and the GLBT community. It's pretty interesting how all of society handles obesity. It is so entirely okay for comics, TV shows, and the average person to make fat jokes, rude comments and stares that sometimes it leaves me shaking my head. The GLBT community is certainly no exception. We are surrounded by our peers who strive for that perfect physique, and anything less isn't looked at highly at all. I have definitely felt a difference since my surgery in how people treat me. People who wouldn't have said a word to me before talk to me. I don't get that "Oh my god" stare anymore either. I have gone through many stages of relaxing into this new body. I have been happy, angry with others who talk to me now who wouldn't before, and now I just am. I have changed the outside quite a bit, but the inside is still me. The same me who was obese all of her life until now. I find myself feeling all kinds of emotions. So much of this surgery is more emotional than physical. The bottom line is that it's all about how we feel about ourselves. I feel pretty darn good about me now. I have accomplished something life changing and it truly has changed my life. When you feel better about yourself, others feel better about you too. Others catch your positive energy like they would the measles. I have changed on the outside but really the inside has changed in some ways too. I have more confidence, energy, and my quality of life now tastes much better than any food ever did. This whole thing for me has been positive. After the problems with my surgery were healed, everything just blossomed. Life has so many more experiences now that I can participate fully in now. That's what it is all about. Gay, straight, and in between, people are going to look at us differently as we look at ourselves differently. Hope I didn't scare you off with the long post. I just feel passionate about sharing my WLS experiences. Take good care! Best, Amy

I can relate to your experience with our community Chad. I know that as a large gay man I am looked 'down' on in most gay settings, but you know, I have found that those who look down on me because of my size are people I wouldnt want to hang around anyway. I am pre op and have actually wondered and talked to people about this. I am interested to see how I will react to these same people after surgery. I would like to think that although I know I will change and people's attitude towards me will change. Deep down, I think that the good friends I have around me will still be there and that my attitude towards the 'twinks' and 'gym bunnies' in the gay community will remain the same, that if they dont take the time to get to know me, thats their loss.