relationships

I am pre-op, jumping through the medical testing hoops so I can get insurance coverage. I've been thinking about this for so long and about 2 months ago I asked my partner of 10 years to go to an informational seminar. She gladly agreed. I know she is supportive of my decision to do this, but is scared of complications. And we're both frightened of how my pending changes -- physical and emotional -- could stress our otherwise very solid, committed relationship. You hear stories about straight couples divorcing after one spouse goes through WLS. And I know that there have to be issues surrounding those relationships that have NOTHING to do with the actual WLS. I think WLS is just such a huge catalyst for change! So I'm wondering if there are any other same sex, long-term couples who have weathered the changes brought on through WLS and survived? I'd love to hear your story. And if your relationship didn't make it through the changes, any advice? We've been pretty open with each other about our concerns and have even considered going to therapy together so we can "head off" any issues that come up and at least work through them. I want to do everything I can to make sure we really do have a long and happy future together, especially since I will (hopefully) be healthier and able to live longer. Jen

Hi Jen, I believe the only way that WLS could change someone's feelings to their partner or the feelings of the partner to the WLS person, is if their feelings for the other person are superficial in the first place. It sounds like you have a solid relationship. WLS should not be for cosmetics it is intended to help morbid obese people to stay healthier longer. Anyway these are my thoughts, for whatever they are worth. Good luck, C.Domingo

Hi Jen, I've had some of the same concerns. I know my partner and I have a strong committment.... It just seems like I keep reading about all the emotional changes that take place after surgery....and sometimes as a result relationships end or change for the worst. I have not had surgery as of yet but my partner and I talk often about our concerns for the surgery--as well as some of the emotional changes that will inevitably occur. It sounds like you are doing the same thing--keeping communication open and honest.... I think that's all we can do and continue to do after the surgery. Good luck with everything!! I hope your medical testing goes quickly and smoothly....I'm going through the same thing and I KNOW how stressful and frustrating it can be!! Melissa

Hi I am also pre op and I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years and she is supportive of my decision to have wls. At first she was like NO NO NO because of risk but she understands how unhappy i am. Anyway, I try to share with her what i read about how your emotions change because i am afraid that she is not going to like the sudden change in the beginning. I also read about relationships problems and it scares me. We have such a good relationship now and i dont want it to change. I'm such a moody female anyway and she has put up with me this long so i HOPE she is going to handle me quite well. Last week i read where a girls husband left her because she got too skinny. That made me question my gf about that. She just looked at me like i was crazy and told me to stop worrying. So I guess we cant help but to wonder about the life change thats ahead of us and hope that our partners can stick with us as we go through it! Good luck in your journey Kay

I'm sorry -- but kind of glad -- that I'm not the only one with these relationship concerns. I guess we do just have to keep the communication lines open and pray for the best. I kind of figure that if we realize there could be potential problems, we're one step ahead of the game because I bet a lot of couples are blind-sided by this. And, too, I have to keep my perspective that if in our nearly 11 years together this is the biggest trial for our relationship, I'm pretty lucky. Thanks everyone for sharing! Jen

Hi Jen, Thanks for your welcome! I was reading your post and I wanted to concur that your concerns are definitely not uncommon. I'm only two months out from surgery, so it's still new for me and my partner, Chris,too.. but it seems like just the fact that you are aware of this puts you and your wife if a better position to do something about it, ie go to therapy like you mentioned.. IF you/her were in denial I think that it would/could be a red flag. I've been with my partner for 5 years. If it was up to her I wouldn't have had the surgery because she was worried about the poss. complications too, BUT I was sure this is what I needed and now that I am a couple of months out and 50lbs lighter she is as thrilled with the incredibly shrinkning me. Not only with the physical aspects, but with the emotional changes - I'm smiling again! She says she's so happy "the old Jo-Ell is back." She accepted me at my highest wt., but our relationship suffered because of my physical limitations and my depression/motivation limitations. Now that I'm happy she's happy and we are closer. Like you said, "WLS is a huge catalyst for change" - eating/lifestyle changes, for example exercising will be a big part of your life. I wanted Chris to go walking with me, to talk/bond, but she wasn't ready. In the end, it was go alone or not at all - and not at all was not an option! Additionally lifestyle changes....I had to stop drinking after the surgery. I quit smoking a year before the surgery.... We are the ones who hit bottom and want to improve our life. I/We have a new lease on life and a committment to keep moving foward in a healthy avenue after surgery or were going to fail. My conflict is moving foward without her or get caught up in the old habits with her. Maybe it doesn't have to be either...Therapy sounds like a good option for us too! Now just writing about this has helped me too! I guess I knew that and the reason I felt so compelled to write you.