Women are crazy

. . .this one included. Ok, I know most girls on the straight boards won't be able to relate to me, but perhaps my sapphic sisters can help me deal with this. My girlfriend was as prepared as can be for my journey. I let her know exactly what was going to be happening to me, ergo us. She went to support group meetings. She held my hand when I was in the recovery room. HOWEVER. Now that I dangle a precarious 19 lbs from her weight, she is going bonkers. She is using my weight as a weapon against herself. When she is away from me she feels "fine" about her weight, but looking at me and seeing how far I've come (EVEN KNOWING FULL WELL how hard I work at this) she internalizes it as a message that she is fat. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I am NOT sorry I am losing weight and I won't apologize to ANYONE for doing so. I can't make her happy for me, and I can't make her hop out of her denial roadblock and start focusing her energy on HER weight, and taking the limelight off of mine. We're trying to work it out, but I'm starting to lose hope. She has to work on this. . .and soon. I want my partner to be my cheerleader - to be proud of me and love me EXACTLY as I am - no matter what my weight is. I don't want my partner to make snide comments about how I dress like a hooker, am bony and hurt her with my bonyness when I touch her, and who uses my success as a weapon against herself. Why can't she just love me? I am changing so much, it's true, but so is she. . . I don't understand where all this came from. She's just barely obese according to BMI, and she's VERY active. . .I don't think of her as having a weight problem and I never noticed she was anything but gorgeous until she started pointing out all her flaws to me. I don't know how much longer I'll be a taken woman. . . .I don't know how much longer I am going to work with her on her issue. . . .not fix it. . .(I can't fix it), I guess what I mean to say is I am not sure how much longer I am going to tolerate her negativity in my life. Before all this I was sure that she was going to be the great love of my life. . .and now I feel like she's just throwing it all away and for WHAT? NOTHING... **sniffle** Thanks for letting me rant. ~Lara

Hi Lara, Love and jealousy can be very crazy things. Change is also very hard for people. Fear of the unknown has derailed many a relationship. Have you tried talking with her? Would you both be willing to go to a counselor who is experienced working with couples especially when one person is going through physical and emotional changes. I think it is not a bad idea to tell her how much you love her and yet let her know that you are going to love yourself no matter what. Let her know that you don't/won't accept hearing her put you down or herself down. Focus on your recovery from obesity. Make that be a huge priority in your life. I will give you some great advice from someone who has been around OH for a long time and has lost 165lbs and still has a ways to go......do not run from a relationship or towards one for the first 9 months after surgery. You are too fragile in many ways and may regret it. Focus on taking good care of yourself and loving your partner the best you can. You can do this Lara, with or without her. I promise. A

We've been talking about it very openly and honestly. We're at an impasse right now. She knows she's just flat out wrong. . .and doesn't know how to make herself feel differently. She's working on it. I spose I could take her to my therapist, but she needs to seek out help on her own too. . .and she's not doing that. I am taking your words to heart tho Ann, I'm not going to run from this relationship, but I'm also going to keep my focus on my recovery. It is my biggest priority, and no one is going to deride me from it. Thanks for replying with such a supportive compassionate post! You're profile is one that I read regularly - you are one of my heros from this site! Take care, ~Lara

Hi Lara, I think you are facing what many many couples face here at OH, and who have had the surgery. Insecurities come out, our willingness to "settle" lessens, huge changes happen as if overnight. Hopefully you two can get some counseling with someone who is familiar with gastric bypass surgery and its related relationship issues, and it would be awesome if they were aware of gay/lesbian issues too. Don't think you're alone, here, youre definitely not. The addage I see on here is that this surgery makes good relationships better and bad ones worse. I dont know how long you've been together, but if the relationship is worth it, you might want to give it a little more time. -Donna

Thanks for your support Donna! ~Lara

::Update:: I talked with her tonight - she called me. We sorted through some miscommunications and some misunderstandings. I urged her to start talking with someone about what she's going through and offered her the resources I have to help. She really listened to me, and ultimately the decision is her's to make regarding that. After talking through the tough stuff, we were able to relax and giggle together again. By the end of the conversation I remembered exactly why I'm standing beside this person - beautiful and flawed. It's not a perfect arrangement, but I have hope again. And she's worth it! (I was beginning to worry - I'd been waiting all day for a sign) This surgery thing changes you so much, and it impacts those around you so much. I would do it again in a HEARTBEAT - but man alive - any ***** who wants to give me the "easy way out" speech anytime soon. . .well pity them :wink: I am incredibly grateful for your love and compassion, ~Lara

Lara, First of all, I just want to say that I am a quiet fan of your ability to put your thoughts into words. I have been a frequent flyer in your profile and I am always amused. The ability to write is a gift my friend so keep on using it. Enough said... I am very happy to see that you have hope again in your relationship. This surgery can sure mess with you in the strangest ways. My partner is the most loving wonderful woman that I have ever come across. She is and has been about 40 pounds overweight all the time that we have been together. I suppose that when she was standing beside me before when I had 230 pounds extra weight hanging around that somehow her weight didn't seem like such an issue. Now as she watches me loose and since I am borrowing clothes off of her because I can't keep up with buying new ones to keep me warm, she notices her own extra pounds more than she used to. It has now even encouraged her to start eating better, and she is starting to exercise, but it wasn't an instant thing and I did more than one double take at a response she gave me. I read your posts to her last night and she smiled that knowing smile that only a person so close to someone experiencing this journey could have. It seems that this surgery doesn't just through emotional stuff our way, but it touches everyone around us too. Even my sister who had the surgery one month after me is going through this. I honestly hate to tell her how much I have lost when she asks because she gets jealous that she hasn't lost as much. She isn't as careful about what she eats and she doesn't exercise like I do at all, yet I somehow feel guilty . I have come to the conclusion that those around us whom we love and who truly love us will adjust to the new us. It may happen a little slower than we are adjusting or slower than we would like, but we need to recognize that they also need to be able to deal with our changes. They were accustomed to our old ways, and they just need a little time. It sounds like you two are on the right track. Certainly anyone who is willing to travel this road with us is certainly worth the extra effort. I guess we all just need to be reminded that as we shrink, in many ways we grow. The change is awesome... Keep up the good work! Smiling, Amy

Thank you so very much for your kind words. I do love writing, and expressing myself in my journal here and on Livejournal has kind of taken wings and took flight over the course of my journey. It is where I find my peace. You definately understand where I'm coming from - thanks for telling me about your own challenges. I appreciate that you were willing to share that with me! Being a rather quick loser - I totally understand what you're saying about getting a bit tight-lipped about success sometimes - there are a lot of ladies in my support group who don't run quite as tight of a ship following pouch rules and exercising and they get a bit cranky about how fast I lose comparatively. I'm glad that I could put a smile on your face. Thanks for the kindness, ~Lara

Hi Lara, I read this entire thread with alot of interest. You are a very eloquent speaker and I give you kudos for writing your experiences down here. Also, congrats on your weight loss! You are doing wonderfully! I also give you HUGE kudos for understanding what you can and cannot control in your life. It takes a special person to really "get" what's going on around him/herself and know what steps to take to work on the wrongs and make them right. Keep up the good work with your partner, you will see great things come to be, especially with your willingness to communicate! I hope you and everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving! Best and hugs, Lisa

Thank you for your kind compliments. Update: She and I've been talking every night this week, and I went to my therapist with it all. She was AWESOME at helping me hear what she's been trying to tell me. She's trying to tell me that she only needed physical space and she was getting really crabby at me for "protecting" her emotionally from how upset I was. I didn't want to make her feel guilty, or be manipulative by telling her how awful I feel about the state of things - I kept telling her what I told myself - "I'm going to be ok, don't worry about me" and she never was getting to hear "Dear god you're important to me" "I miss you terribly" "Nothing is fine" "You are precious to me" I told her this tonight - she was SO happy! The physical space is working for both of us - we're getting so much more done, and I don't have to run from her emotionally. This stuff is so easy but SO complicated! Thanks for the luv. PS: I have new photos on my profile. ~Lara