Another topic...

Ok, so.... hmmm... If you are partnered, or had a partner how does/did your partner relate/react to the surgery? How about your weight, is/was it an issue? Is/was your partner heavy or slim and how did it affect your relationship? If single, have any of these issues affected other relationships? I'll have to answer these myself later! Im too tired after my first day of work. -Donna

I am very much partnered - almost 13 years and Sherry has been my greatest support about my weight, my quest, and my surgery. My partner was a little anorexic when we met, but thanks to my enthusiasm to cooking, she's gained some weight - she still is not heavy by my standards but she's been exercising more and taking off a little. She's never had a "weight issue" - She loves me period - at any weight, at any age. I am an extremely lucky woman. She didn't leave the hospital while I was there for surgery - she's gone to all of my dr. appointments and tests with me. I couldn't possibly be luckier. In Pride, Ruth

I am single, and fortunately, my family has been wonderfully supportive. They all know what a struggle my weight has been for me all these years, and understand that I've been down the weight loss road so many times than I cannot do it one more time without some serious help. WLS is my tool---I can do the rest, and they seem to understand and respect that. In my family of origin, all of us are overweight. My brother couldn't care less about the surgery, he simply supports me in whatever I do. My sister, on the other hand, has had many questions and concerns about the post op dietary changes that can be quite restrictive. But she is open and honest with her questions, and I appreciate that. My second family, people I've come to love over the past 12 years or so, are all thin, and this war with weight is a foreign concept for them. But they, too, ask questions and trust me to do what I think is best--and for that I am eternally grateful. Going to Mexico is one thing that will take sometime for all of them to come to grips with. They think of Mexico as a poor nation with less than adequate health care. I have to admit, I thought that too, until after I did my research. They'll need to trust that I've researched this and know that I'm doing what I need to do. So far, so good. They're doing the best that they can, and that is all I will ever ask. Thank you for the thought provoking question!~ Jessica

Ok, so I guess I should answer my own questions now. I am partnered. My wife Tina and I have been together for about 5 and a half years. We got married July 4, 2001. She has been very supportive. She really actually pushed me to have the surgery. She's smaller than I am, but not obese by any means. She's been losing weight since my surgery too, since we're not eating crap anymore. My weight did become an issue. One I didn't want to hear her about unfortunately, and it caused some problems in our relationship. Related to that, she came close to leaving me for another woman. (This woman is still in her life I recently found out, and that has brought up a whole boatload of issues as you can immagine... but I digress...) I was heavy when we met, but gained some weight once together. She did too, but not like me. Back to the support, my mom came out from Florida for my surgery too. She had the same done in October and is doing great. I have a lot of support there. Tina has been great about most everything, from carrying in the groceries, to putting on my bandages when I just couldnt' look. I am wondering what will happen in the future. Many people say relationships often end after WLS. Will she stick around til Im slim? Will I stick around once I am? How will our relationship change as I become more active and confident? I wonder... (back to my digression)... If this current bump in the road is resolved successfully, I completely plan on staying in my relationship. I love her and can't immagine being without her. I will not however, put up with being in the situation Im in now, so who knows. We are going to go to couples counseling, and hopefully will head off those above questions before they become an issue. Well, thats probably more than you needed to know! Maybe this will get more people talking on here??? I hope... -Donna

Thank you, Donna, for coming back and sharing with us! Yes, this message board seems a bit quiet, and your idea to get us talking was brilliant! It sounds like your life has some curves ahead for you to navigate. I do hope that your relationship with your partner will weather the WLS storm, and that the counseling will help to strengthen your relationship. I do look forward to hearing more. Write anytime! Jessica

Well--- I have a partner of 8 years who is the most beautiful, loving and giving person I have ever met--especially to me!!!!! I was much thinner when we met and over the years I have gained almost 80lbs!!!! I have gained this weight for a combination of reasons that would take pages to write about. I am ALWAYS thinking that she is going to leave me for someone thinner, more active, more alive than I have been since I have gained all of this weight. She tries to tell me she thinks I am beautiful but I find it so hard to believe because I feel so ugly. My weight has become a bigger problem over the years as I make excuses not to got places (basically any event that does not involve family is out). On the flip side she is afraid that after I have surgery I will want to go back to our younger, faster and maybe not so secure lifestyle. I know that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. We are so in love. I feel like together we can overcome anything, I always have. She is afraid of all of the horror stories about the surgery so as far as supporting me, to her it means she will be there for me and support my decision but she does not really like to talk about it.... We had medical power of attorney papers drawn up as well as living wills just in case the hospital gives us any problems. I am blessed that the company she works for has "partner" benefits. I am still having insurance problems--something about the codes changing. One code is used for open and one for lap or something and my insurance company had a problem with the codes the doctor used some new number----anyway thanks for posting the questions on the board. Strength and love from New Orleans Kiersten

I was engaged to be married at the time. and she was great during the whole investigation and getting ready. Of course, at the time I could hardly walk and I depended on her for EVERYTHING. Anyway - after surgery - -I would say after my first 60lbs and when I was able to sleep without my Sleep Apnea Machine and able to walk and drive and such, The first thing that upset her was my independance. We still got married -- and after a month I had to move jobs and she was going to follow. Well, she didn't want to move and we only saw each other once in a blue moon. When she did see me, she was not happy with my new independance. Before sex was non-existant as two morbidly obese people . . .now that I had sex drive -- it was unfullfilling to say the least. Anyway -- when I got to a weight that was below hers - -well that's when it all broke loose. She didn't even want to talk about my weight loss and didn't want to see me much either. As I began to work out my sexuality and my life in general, I realized she wanted someone to manipulate. And I wasn't that person anymore. Long divorce later (longer than our courtship) and that was that. I loved her - I just realized I wasn't in love with her. She was a great friend and to be honest - I don't know . . .I just don't know what I was thinking. I feel badly for wasting her time. Anyway -- that's my story about relationships. The old motto goes and rings true -- As you go through this - -it makes strong relationships stronger and week relationships weaker. Jesse

Thank you for sharing! -Donna

It's been 4 years since my surgery i've gone from 372 to 185 and my weight has always been a factor. when i was bigger i was too big for the guys who liked small guys and to small for the guys who liked bigger guys. and now that i'm at the weight i'm at now i still deal with not being small enough or due to my weight loss i have extra skin it's not bad i've seen worse nad my insurance doesn't cover it so i'm stuck with it for the time being and it's tuff. My last relationship i found someone who dealt with it and got over it, and loved me for me. Besides with clothes on no one can really tell it's when the clothes come off that's when there's a problem. I'm very self conscious about it. Dealing with rejection from guys from both sides now......I really have to say about the lesbian side of gay life you don't put so much pressure on someone having the perfect body......in NY it's all about the Chealse boys gym bodies and stuff it's so aggrivating. After going throught his surgery i thought it would be easier. Don't get me wrong i have no regrets about the surgery it saved my life..just wish my body was not the issue anymore.........

Thank you for sharing your story. I can immagine that you must be frustrated. To have gone through all this and still have body issues is not something any of us expect. This surgery is great, don't get me wrong. Its just that there's all this unexpected stuff too. You are healthier now though, and have more energy and longevity to give to a relationship. I'm sure there is someone just waiting for you to find them. As for the lesbian side being easier, yes and no. It depends on your "clique" I guess. Theres more acceptance in the community as a whole I think, but there are definitely some with no tolerance too. Keep sharing, and let us know your name! -Donna