Catching any feminist side-eye for losing weight?

I have found that many of my feminist friends have been giving me side eye about having RNY and losing weight in general.  I feel complelled to explain that "I am losing weight for my health" and "yes, I still love my curves" and "no, I am not part of the patriarchy trying to repress women with an impossible beauty standard."

Anyone else having issues with politically correct police judging you for your WSL?

~elizabeth

I don't have exactly that issue but something similar.  As a lesbian who isn't feminine I feel like part of my dyke, butch, similar identity appearance is going to go away as I continue to loose weight.  There is a feeling of power being a larger woman, I'm 5 9" which helps this as well.  I used to play tackle football for a women's team and that too has lead to this larger is more powerful thought process.

I've had a hard time picking a healthy weight for myself.  At 5 9" normal BMIs sounds too skinny and powerless to me at 140-160lbs.  Now in all honesty I do not have a clue what that'd look like on me because I can't remember ever being that weight.  But my first goal was only 200lbs, then I got a little more real with myself for a healthier goal of 180 but I can't stand the idea of being a frail little ol thing, so I've refused to say I'd go lower than that until there. 

So my thoughts are a little bit the opposite of yours above in that there's no patriarchy issues going on here but rather dyke mentality that powerful is important and that is often associated with being bigger.  I don't want my friends to think I'd not up to a challenge even though technically I will probably be able to go hard, run further, and do it better than I ever could now when I'm at a healthy weight.  

I am a queer woman and in a way I understand where you are coming from.  There is a bigger butch image that is almost idealized for many women in our community. The lesbians I know with a smaller frame do tend to be more femme. Since I read as primarily femme I am not stressing about it much personally. I can say for me the energy a butch projects has nothing to do with her size and everything to do with her intensity and presence. I have met many very powerful butch women that are small framed and dynami****ep asking people about these body image quandaries and everyone says it gets better after the first year.  I hope that is true.

Have a great day!

~Elizabeth

I suspect just like those people who still think they're fat when really they are far from it feel similar too.  I see that on the boards all the time, they still go to buy large clothing or choose larger places to sit.  

I reasonably believe I will not be changing what types of clothes I wear so I'll still look my part.  But unlike the previously mentioned people I believe most of them are driving forward to a social image which is more exceptable.  However for me I feel like it's not exactly like that concidering larger is often saw as powerful in the lesbian world. 

However your right about presence that can override size in most any sistuation.

Healthy is sexy.  We are getting our bodies healthier.  Our minds will need a minute to catch up. Self love has always been a challenge for me.

~E

Hi Elizabeth,

Short answer: YES.

Within the first few months post op I got it from many friends within the LGBTQ community. Funky part is that I didn't recognize it for what is was. I thought they were concerned about my health and me losing weight to fast.

As time progressed I realized it was fear and jealousy combined.

As I lost weight, some folks were still unhealthy and as in other conditions (such as drug addiction) when you stop doing an unhealthy thing some folks jump to the conclusion that you'll want to change them next, they fear that you will not like them any longer because they're still unhealthy.

Also, some people will want to lump your body image/weight/size into your character.
Unfortunately, they're simply unable to see the 'you' within to understand that the outer reflection may change (because you'd like to have a healthy shell/frame for your inner soul to reside in) but you- your heart- your beliefs- your character will not change with it.

Men and women have ranges. There are very curvaceous folks and some very, very un-curvy, rather flat body shapes; and still still there are all those folks who fall someplace in between the range.

Wanting to fit within the status quo could just as easily fall within the realm of both feminism and obesity, as there are women *****fuse to get fit because they don't want to 'look like Barbie' & fit into an 'ideal/traditional' feminine image. Personally, I try not to attempt to be anyone's status quo - thin or thick, feminist or not. I just try to be 'me'; my own healthy self. If WLS helps me get there, great! I'm not trying to develop into a particular image other than what ever my healthy version looks like.

In the past, I allowed these types of situations to dictate my eating choices. I was so busy trying to convince others that I was still the same on the inside, despite what they saw on the outside, that I eventually regained (along with other poor choices). You can influence, but not CONTROL what people connect mentally to the image they see visually. Now that I'm 9 years out from RnY GB and am re-working my weight loss, I don't dare let others' policing efforts get into my head.

My body is mine. My desire for fitness, physical health and mental sanity have no reflection on my political views about the LGBTQ community or Feminism except that I believe we are all thinking clearer when we're physically well. If others can not agree with me, it's okay. I'm not here to judge or police, just to live my best 'me'.

I hope you're well.

Peace, power and progress my dear!

Hi MareeCeeJay

Yes, yes, yes! What you have written (and also the insights from others above) resonates so much with me. I'm glad I stumbled across this thread. 

Quick summary about me: I have had VSG on Oct 3rd, my decision has been long time coming as I had an accident 2 yrs ago and with pain/loss of activity (can barely walk some days) came massive weight gain... and compression on my spine. I chose surgery as a last resort to help gain control now and if I'm lucky reduce or manage pain.

Its been a long journey and my wife has been really supportive to date. But as the surgery got closer she would start saying things like "once you lose all the weight you're gonna be hot and stuck with a fat wife" or "I'm gonna have to watch you don't get too much attention from other women when you get skinny".  I know these are her own insecurities but it kinda pissed me off. I'm femme and she's soft butch, so it feels like she wants me to get well BUT not become more attractive (I'm like wtf does weight have to do with that anyways - I'm happy with how I look)

So i wonder, do you have any thoughts on how you make sure you don't get sabotaged along the way by someone elses insecurity? 

Cheers

C

Hi C.

Oh wow, I am sending you so much loving support as you process everything C. The physical alone is a work in progress, but to be in someone else's head space too.. It's a lot of energy to carry. You already know you don't need that extra stress right now as you recover and adjust to your WLS.

Please, please have a sit down with your wife. No matter what you guys have gone through in the past or where you are currently, TALK to her. Let her know how much you look forward to better health and a refresher on your looks, but that those two areas are where the newness and differences STOP. Remind her of your eternal commitment to loving her, cherishing your marriage and growing through life, learning and loving with her. Encourage her to make some health changes IF that is what she wants. Verbalize that you realize the tool and gift that your surgery is for losing weight, but that as her spouse you are committed to putting in the effort to helping her lose weight, tone up or whatever, as well.

If you love her, talk to her. Write it down. Make a youtube video or sing her a song... But this is HARD STUFF! The fear, the insecurity and the loss that a loved one feels when the other partner gets healthy is such a MAJOR blow!! You may need to seek counseling, find a support group for family & friends of WLS patients, or just keep reassuring her through literature, articles and videos about folks who've gone through this.

Mostly, keep reminding her that WLS is a process and  you NEED her support. Now that the tool is in place the weight loss will begin, but the emotional will be strongly guided by the support you have.

I hope nothing but peace and success for you in your relationship with your wife, with your WLS and within your own heart.

Marie.

Thank you so much for responding and your words are very wise. It does all come down to communication and we are both working on that together. 10 years together and every day you gotta make an effort - it's so important.  Wishing you all the best too, many thanks again.

C

For my partner the fears lessened over the first year.  I think it is a process for them just like it is for us.  Give them some time and lots of communication.

~E