Who Am I

Hi All,

  I started looking into VSG surgery last January and have made little progress. At first I had my Gallbladder out and the surgeon who performed that also did weight loss surgery. I liked her and she was a very good surgeon. The hospital she worked at only had one GP that could approve you for surgery. I never liked him as he was always rude and unprofessional, although he is a top rated  in heart health care. Around May 2013 I get a message from my Surgeon that she was no longer doing WLS. The next week I had an appointment with the GP and wanted to discuss my options. I met with the Nutritionist and waited for over an hour past my appointment time for the doctor and he still didn't call me in. After talking to the front desk multiple times, I told them I needed to leave for another appointment somewhere else and that I wanted him to call me to discuss options. I never heard back from him. I decided to go to my normal GP who is 2hrs away from when I lived in  that area a few years ago. My GP could approve me through Westchester Medical Center, another hr south. I don't mind the drive as it gives me time to listen to audiobooks and lets me think. The issue is that with my work schedule I have a hard time going there, especially since Nov. While going through all the motions for pre approval I gained back the weight I lost previously and will have to again before my insurance, MVP, will approve me. Now I am back at my highest weight and extremely depressed. I have been in the Bear, Chub, Chaser community for a while. Most guys just wanted to be with me for the physical aspects. My last 2 relationships ended not so well and everyone I talk to on Chaser sites chastise me for wanting to lose weight and on the "normal" dating sites no one will talk to me, even just chat and respond to emails, because they have an issue with my weight. I feel as if I either get the surgery and will have no one to be with because I will be scarred or saggy and if I stay this weight I will have a chaser, but will die soon. I am only 26 right now. At 450lbs I can barely function anymore. Everything aches and the smallest motions hurt. I maintained my weight around 300lbs for about 6 yrs from high school to my first job. That job was mostly manual and lots of walking so I maintained, but I took a new job and a raise at a new company which is great, but I spend all my time on the computer at my desk. It seems to be a hard place I am in and I feel very much so like a failure. I am depressed most of the time and that did lead to the end of some relationships, but I can't seem to get out of the funk right now. I will have to lose 50lbs again, but have all my other work done and submitted. I just do not know where I will fit in or who would want to be with me after. My therapist keeps telling me to just focus on the surgery and put relationships on the back burner, but it's been over a year and I am  lonely, but who is going to want me if I change so drastically? I know, Debbie Downer. I'm not being pessimistic in my mind, just seems realistic.

Thanks

Dan

As you say, without surgery, you will have guys interested in you but you'll be likely to die soon. Honestly? It's not worth dying to have some men interested, especially if the only thing they care about is your looks! I promise you there WILL be men for you after you lose weight, despite what scars or sagginess you might have. As my granddad used to say, there's a butt for every pair of jeans.

But I really agree with your therapist - focus on taking care of your health. Keep working towards your goals. The rest will come when you are ready for it. Good luck!

Dan,

Thanks for your post. It had to be hard to write. WLS is really a journey and at times not the most pleasant. As you are finding, it is complex. Everyone is different and his or her path is different. The issues you had with your surgeon is unfortunate. Insurance hurdles are another obstacle many struggle with. As a gay man, fitting in the bear community is an added issue. I know all of these seem overwhelming.

What can I say to you?  I can say that moving forward is the best thing you can do for yourself. As hard as it has been so far, it will not get easy.  My health sucked as a pre-op. I had surgery so that I could live. Today I am at a very different place. I am much happier and dramatically healthier. It changed my life.

The bear community can be both supportive and not supportive. I have had friends walk away and say not-so-nice things. Others remain friends. My advice is to forget those who would judge you for your weight. A true friend judges you for the person you are. Those are whom you want to remain friends with. I have chatted on this forum for 6 years. I made many fiends and have met several and forged good friendships. They lost weight and as you day have sags and wrinkles. Guess what, many have found great relationships.

Keep in touch and keep looking forward.

Tom

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's been a hard few months with working around the clock and it seems lonely. I just don't want to feel lonelier in the long run.