Chasers
It's no secret that I'm fat. I have no issues with it aside from its impact on my health.... I'm perfectly comfortable admitting I'm fat because I have spent 25 years dealing with the social impact of my size. It's a rather empowering thing, to come to the realization... accepting it has been the crux upon which I have been able to begin to change it.
In the gay community (maybe among lesbians, too?) there are two unique subcultures to which I belong as a result of my body construct. I am considered a "chub" and I am also considered a "bear" (or "cub" because I'm under 30 - depending upon whom you ask) because I'm covered in an ungodly amount of body hair. The types of people I attract tend to be attracted to me originally because of my appearance and eventually latch on (or run like hell) because of my personality.
My partner, who can be seen in some of the photos with me on my profile, considers himself a "bear hunter." His original interest in me was because of the way that I look. I'm concerned that it is a very real possibility that after surgery, he will no longer be interested in me. I love him, and of course if our relationship were to end, I would learn from it what I could and move on when the time were right, but it would be a sad and unjust experience.
When I talked to him about it, he sort of dismissed the concern. His dismissal, though, was unfounded. A friend of his had the RNY which is significantly less impactful and more individually tailored than the DS. He insists that after my surgery I will be able to decide how much weight I lose or do not lose and I can stop when we are both happy.
I beg to differ. The RNY is significantly restrictive and somewhat malabsorptive - as I'm sure you all know. The DS, though is significantly less restrictive and remarkably malabsorptive. The adage "you are what you eat" becomes something more like - you are a third of what you eat....
I will lose significant weight as a result of my surgery and, though I've tried to explain the differences to him, he studies as an undergrad in psychology in Mexico and knows everything (it's part of the reason I love him... he's such a stubborn tonto!) he insists that I will be able to control my body. I'm not going to make myself stay fat to keep him, and I'm certainly not going to limit my potential weight loss to keep him. If I can go from 316 to 140, then I will, and I'll never look back. He wants me to "stop" around 200... and I'm absolutely certain that's not going to happen.
We've bene together one year and one month (in four days). I know him pretty well, he knowsme pretty well, and we care about each other very much. I think the fate of our relationship will be determined by his interest in me as a person, and not as a chubby fur-covered sex object. I suspect if our relationship terminates as a result of the impact of this surgery, it was likely not the most appropriate relationship for me, anyway.
Have any of you had experiences with partners who were interested in you originally because of your body? How did it turn out post-operatively?
In the gay community (maybe among lesbians, too?) there are two unique subcultures to which I belong as a result of my body construct. I am considered a "chub" and I am also considered a "bear" (or "cub" because I'm under 30 - depending upon whom you ask) because I'm covered in an ungodly amount of body hair. The types of people I attract tend to be attracted to me originally because of my appearance and eventually latch on (or run like hell) because of my personality.
My partner, who can be seen in some of the photos with me on my profile, considers himself a "bear hunter." His original interest in me was because of the way that I look. I'm concerned that it is a very real possibility that after surgery, he will no longer be interested in me. I love him, and of course if our relationship were to end, I would learn from it what I could and move on when the time were right, but it would be a sad and unjust experience.
When I talked to him about it, he sort of dismissed the concern. His dismissal, though, was unfounded. A friend of his had the RNY which is significantly less impactful and more individually tailored than the DS. He insists that after my surgery I will be able to decide how much weight I lose or do not lose and I can stop when we are both happy.
I beg to differ. The RNY is significantly restrictive and somewhat malabsorptive - as I'm sure you all know. The DS, though is significantly less restrictive and remarkably malabsorptive. The adage "you are what you eat" becomes something more like - you are a third of what you eat....
I will lose significant weight as a result of my surgery and, though I've tried to explain the differences to him, he studies as an undergrad in psychology in Mexico and knows everything (it's part of the reason I love him... he's such a stubborn tonto!) he insists that I will be able to control my body. I'm not going to make myself stay fat to keep him, and I'm certainly not going to limit my potential weight loss to keep him. If I can go from 316 to 140, then I will, and I'll never look back. He wants me to "stop" around 200... and I'm absolutely certain that's not going to happen.
We've bene together one year and one month (in four days). I know him pretty well, he knowsme pretty well, and we care about each other very much. I think the fate of our relationship will be determined by his interest in me as a person, and not as a chubby fur-covered sex object. I suspect if our relationship terminates as a result of the impact of this surgery, it was likely not the most appropriate relationship for me, anyway.
Have any of you had experiences with partners who were interested in you originally because of your body? How did it turn out post-operatively?
I am very interested in replies to this post. My partener and I have had similiar discussions albeit for somewhat different reasons.
His thought to me was something like: You can't expect a fundamental change in what I am attracted to because you experience a fundamental change within yourself that contradicts my attraction.
He's right. And I don't. The problem is, I am, in some areas, not yet jaded and still a hopeless romantic that hopes for the elusive unconditional love.
If my overall experience with relationships has taught me anything it would be this: Someone who fits me well that I fit well with at one stage in my life may not fit as well 5 or 10 years later. People don't always grow in compatible directions. They hope to, they want to but, it just doesn't always happen.
I think if the point ever comes where you find that you are sacrificing some portion of yourself that you are not comfortable with, it's time to reevaluate the relationship and see if it is still truly working for both parties.
If the answer is "no, this has become an unhealthy relationship for me", then then a tough road lies ahead. Really tough but, it leads to a better, healthier place for both of you on your seperate paths.
If the answer is "yes, I feel fulfilled and nurtured", then congratulations on a happy, healthy, continuous relationship.
His thought to me was something like: You can't expect a fundamental change in what I am attracted to because you experience a fundamental change within yourself that contradicts my attraction.
He's right. And I don't. The problem is, I am, in some areas, not yet jaded and still a hopeless romantic that hopes for the elusive unconditional love.
If my overall experience with relationships has taught me anything it would be this: Someone who fits me well that I fit well with at one stage in my life may not fit as well 5 or 10 years later. People don't always grow in compatible directions. They hope to, they want to but, it just doesn't always happen.
I think if the point ever comes where you find that you are sacrificing some portion of yourself that you are not comfortable with, it's time to reevaluate the relationship and see if it is still truly working for both parties.
If the answer is "no, this has become an unhealthy relationship for me", then then a tough road lies ahead. Really tough but, it leads to a better, healthier place for both of you on your seperate paths.
If the answer is "yes, I feel fulfilled and nurtured", then congratulations on a happy, healthy, continuous relationship.
Agreed with the above. A lot of relationships start phyisical but become rooted in a love of the person - not the physical. I hope thats where your relationship is.
If your partner wants you to stay obese or overweight to satisfy a fetish - thats unhealthy. Unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the relationship. Its a form of abuse really. And you owe yourself so much more. You deserve someone that loves you for who you are, not what you are.
Long ago, I was in a relationship with a "closet chaser". He was only attracted to me for my size but never said it out loud. I figured it out when he was masturbating and feeling chafe marks on my thighs.
Not Good.
In the end its not really any different than if you were with someone just because they had a six pack and kept encouraging them to diet and go to the gym just because you didn't want them to lose those abs.
If your partner wants you to stay obese or overweight to satisfy a fetish - thats unhealthy. Unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the relationship. Its a form of abuse really. And you owe yourself so much more. You deserve someone that loves you for who you are, not what you are.
Long ago, I was in a relationship with a "closet chaser". He was only attracted to me for my size but never said it out loud. I figured it out when he was masturbating and feeling chafe marks on my thighs.
Not Good.
In the end its not really any different than if you were with someone just because they had a six pack and kept encouraging them to diet and go to the gym just because you didn't want them to lose those abs.
_____________________________________________________________________
160 lbs lost. Surgeons Goal Reached in 33 weeks. My Goal in 37 Weeks.
VSG: 11/2/2011; LBL+Thigh Lift+BL: 10/3/2012; Brach+Mastopexy: 7/22/2013
I figured it out when he was masturbating and feeling chafe marks on my thighs.
Not Good.
can I be the first to say...."ew"
I'll also say..."darn right not good..."
and then I'll say, that I agree with you fully in that everyone deserves someone who loves them unconditionally. I know that that is somewhat wishful thinking in this corrupt world, but there are those who do exist that make it worth the wait. Don't settle for someone who doesn't care about who you are under the skin and fat. They are merely in it for whatever they can get from you. Then, when things don't align, such as your weight and their sexual interest, they are outta there. Please tell me that we have evolved further than that...
I guess that I'm very lucky to have my partner. She and I have been together literally through thick and thin. (many times) and she loves me the same with each new phase. I don't know if you got this from my first post, but she had a sex change operation in 2009 and we remain married and a couple. I love her and no matter what she looks like on the outside, her happiness is the most important thing as well as her mental and physical health. That is how it should be.
:) Love can conquer all.
Amy
Not Good.
can I be the first to say...."ew"
I'll also say..."darn right not good..."
and then I'll say, that I agree with you fully in that everyone deserves someone who loves them unconditionally. I know that that is somewhat wishful thinking in this corrupt world, but there are those who do exist that make it worth the wait. Don't settle for someone who doesn't care about who you are under the skin and fat. They are merely in it for whatever they can get from you. Then, when things don't align, such as your weight and their sexual interest, they are outta there. Please tell me that we have evolved further than that...
I guess that I'm very lucky to have my partner. She and I have been together literally through thick and thin. (many times) and she loves me the same with each new phase. I don't know if you got this from my first post, but she had a sex change operation in 2009 and we remain married and a couple. I love her and no matter what she looks like on the outside, her happiness is the most important thing as well as her mental and physical health. That is how it should be.
:) Love can conquer all.
Amy
Wow, This took my breath a bit hitting very close to home. You had WLS and your partner transitioned FTM all under one roof. That's a lot of change to absorb and adapt to. I am beyond impressed. You guys inspire me. That kind of courage and commitment IS the definition of unconditional love. So, I guess I'm a little envious too. :)
committment to working on oneself and the relationship is the key. One thing we do is not to smother eachother. We are eachother's best friend...main support system and family. We have kids too...One biological child, and my step-son and new daughter-in-law who are always there for us no matter what. We don't view ourselves as weird, tho I am sure to others we are. We defy labels and have created our own reality...that suits us fine. :) Love to all and may you each find your soul mate.
an old picture of us two. We celebrate our 20th this January.
an old picture of us two. We celebrate our 20th this January.
I hope things work out for You.....my friend of 6 months texted me a few days ago and ended it. Said I was gonna lose to much weight and gain control of my life in a way that was not liked. Some one posted to me on the VSG board that it was a good thing I got rid of "dead weight".
Age 53, 5'2", HW 337, Pre OpW 312.5, SW ?, CW 286
I think this is true across the board straight, bi,gay....Everyone starts a relationship because of an attraction. But if it is a GOOD relationship they stay because of the PERSON.
If your partner doesn't love you because you gain/loose weight...then he didn't love you at all.
It is UNREALISTIC for your partner to think you will stop at 200....You are short (me too....I'm 5 feet even) a "normal" bmi weight is well, WELL under 200 lbs. And guess what...YOU are going to be Gorgous!!
If he isn't for you, then that is unfortunate, move on and find someone who loves YOU and not your fat!
If your partner doesn't love you because you gain/loose weight...then he didn't love you at all.
It is UNREALISTIC for your partner to think you will stop at 200....You are short (me too....I'm 5 feet even) a "normal" bmi weight is well, WELL under 200 lbs. And guess what...YOU are going to be Gorgous!!
If he isn't for you, then that is unfortunate, move on and find someone who loves YOU and not your fat!
My partner is also a chaser and I'm praying that we stay together following my surgery scheduled on 09/10/12. We have talked about how attracted he will find me after losing weight and he has assured me that nothing will change. We've been together for 12 years and I'm hoping for at least another 12. Thanks for sharing your story Eccentric Consejero and please keep us posted on your journey.
Where do I start on this topic?!
Six years ago, my partner and I were both obese. He as 360 and me at 278. He had RNY and he was 185 in a year. It strained our relationship. I admit now that I was jealous and uncertain of our relationship. This was despite the fact that we had been together for 17 years at that point. He reassured me that our relationship was safe. Four years ago I had Lapband and my weight dropped to 190. Suddenly, we were both wearing each other’s clothes and were thin. Our relationship has always been strong.
Over this time, I have seen couples grow closer and others grow more distant. I learned that each of us had to come to terms with this in our own way. I was the insecure person. Now at 23 years, we look beyond appearance and weight. Our relationship is much more than that. It’s about knowing and loving the inner person and not the outer person.
There could be a chance that your partner desires a chub/chaser relationship. There is a chance he does not. The only thing you both can do it talk, talk, and talk. It’s hard and I am bad at being open. From experience, I can tell you the more open you both are and talk about this, the better the chance you will have a strong relationship.
Tom
Six years ago, my partner and I were both obese. He as 360 and me at 278. He had RNY and he was 185 in a year. It strained our relationship. I admit now that I was jealous and uncertain of our relationship. This was despite the fact that we had been together for 17 years at that point. He reassured me that our relationship was safe. Four years ago I had Lapband and my weight dropped to 190. Suddenly, we were both wearing each other’s clothes and were thin. Our relationship has always been strong.
Over this time, I have seen couples grow closer and others grow more distant. I learned that each of us had to come to terms with this in our own way. I was the insecure person. Now at 23 years, we look beyond appearance and weight. Our relationship is much more than that. It’s about knowing and loving the inner person and not the outer person.
There could be a chance that your partner desires a chub/chaser relationship. There is a chance he does not. The only thing you both can do it talk, talk, and talk. It’s hard and I am bad at being open. From experience, I can tell you the more open you both are and talk about this, the better the chance you will have a strong relationship.
Tom
Follow my journey to a happy, healthy, active life at TomBilcze.com
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