Dating/timing/ect.

Just going to throw this out there. Had some issues with dating since my WLS, but with further exploration, it seems like two things...

One from gaygirl...is that when you come out later in life you don't really have all the experience in dating that you would have had if you started as a teen.....so if you are 40 and came out at 35...you really may be dating as a 17 year old...not as a 40 year old. Does that make sense? Just that you wouldn't have had a regular lifetime of experience of dating that one would normally have at that age.

Then, one of the things I have noticed from this board (and life) is that folks who have been way overweight, may not have had much 'dating' experience either. So bam, you lose weight...and you have more opportunities but you really aren't (experience wise) to the point where you can figure out who is a good person to date for you (a good match) and who is just there and available. Plus then, many of us have issues related to self esteem and appearance. Which can impact dating...

What do you all think?

I feel like having had WLS and PS and having been overweight makes me feel "not normal" and impacts who I chose to date at times... I also am kind of laid back and like to go slow to get to know someone and I end up with folks who just want to rush in (and sometimes rush out).

Any insights?

deb366

(a latebian

edited

Deb,

I came out at 41 by falling in love with my best friend so I don't have any "dating" experience since we have been together now for 26 years! But I do have adult kids who ask about relationships and am a retired therapist so I have some thoughts on what makes a good relationship. 

First of all you have to be true to your own integrity and date people with similar thoughts and values concerning their integrity.  Respect is another important issue. This means (to me) a minimum of drama and honest consideration of the other's point of view. (Drama: like when a parent is dying or somethings really significant). Honesty is really important to me and that takes time. I agree that too many of us want to rush in and out and therefore it's hard to gauge honesty in those cir****tances.

One of my personal hot buttons is people who tell you that your reality is not your reality. "You don't really like camping" (or cats, or Thai food or long hair, etc). This is a form of abuse and shows me a lack of honesty and integrity. My partner/wife never does this but my mother does and it took me decades to figure it out. So it is important to know what sets you off.

These are the things I thought of reading your post. Hope they give you food for thought.

Connie

 

Good ideas. I think in dating, it is difficult to get to the place of friendship at times, because of the issue of attraction and sometimes, other agendas. I do agree with respect and to me, important that someone has some insight into their self and their reactions.

Now, I just have to find someone! I live in a fairly small town...

Connie, thanks!

deb366

 I think you may be over thinking.

in AA they frequently tell people not to date until they can take care of a potted plant and keep it alive for a year.  The idea being take the time to get to a healthy place yourself.

What happened in the past is past.  Your weight, your plastics, your previous dating "experience".  Its may color your perceptions, but its not really important.  You are looking for a partner not a job.  You don't have to present a romantic resume to justify yourself.

The most important thing is to be secure and happy in yourself.  You need to be in a place where you can love yourself before you can share that love with others.  Just like you had to address food issues and emotional issues for your weight loss, you have to do the same here.  Once you know yourself, then you can recognize what complements and completes you in someone else.

Yes, agree. I have come a long way in the love yourself category...also have learned alot about myself...still learning more.

I think my friends would say I generally do overthink! However, with relationships...I still think I need more! I don't know the balance...how to say no to those who are not right...and how to go for the ones who could be. Also dealing with attraction issues....attracted to a more butch type physically, but hard to find the match of mutual interests...

She is out there somewhere.....or not. I am just trying to enjoy each minute and find the love in my life with those who are here...thanks rhearob...
deb366

I flew out of the uterus quite confident that I was fabulous, but didn't come out officially until I was 13.  I know that in my experience in relationships (I'm a serial monogamoust, I don't date...) with people who were less comfortable with their sexual orientation or who had less experience in the romantic/relationship aspect of homosexuality, that there was a remarkable difference.

Steven was (and probably still is) several years older than me, but he has never (and likely never will) come out.  Though he had been unreasonably sexually active prior to our relationship, he had only experienced one relationship prior to ours.  Hector, my current partner, is the same.... though, Hector is significantly younger than I am....

I see relationships and even dating as sort of a process of self growth... it might be because I'm a counselor... I'm not sure.  I don't mourn when a relationship ends... it ends, it ended for a reason.  I allow myself time to process the experience, learn from it what I can - both about myself and about relationships in general - and then I'm onward and upward to something (hopefully) better.

In my perspective, I believe that each person who enters our lives serves a purpose.  Nothing is eternal except time... those people will disappear, we will disappear, and at some point, every trace of our existence as a race will disappear... but, that doesn't mean we can't make the best of what we have and who we are while we're here, because the fact of the matter remains that we very much are.  When you encounter somebody in a romantic situation - whether a date or a relationship (I'm not sure how accurate the addage about lesbians and U-Hauls is...) approach it as a learning experience.  Each party comes to the relationship with an entire host of experiences that have helped to create the wonderful person that he/she is....  Your experience just happens to be in something other than same-sex relationships.  That doesn't mean, though, that you are stuck at 17 (or 20, 30...) years old.

It's a matter of identifying those skill which are transferrable... sort of like when somebody is switching careers.  We can help train them, but at the end of the day their success is going to be dependent less on technical skills and more on behaviors and attitudes... yes, I can type 70 words a minute and do computer and manual legal research because I was a paralegal... but that's not nearly as important as my ability to effectively use logic and recognize small inconsistencies - particularly as a counselor.

Find those things that set you apart from everybody else in dating and relationships - you have transferrable skills that give you an advantage in certain areas... then, identify those areas where you are less adept, and work on improving those... part of that is learning to identify those people who are likely to rush in and back out, unfortunately, we learn best through experience.

Thank you Eccentric,

very thoughtful response....I picked up on self acceptance and identifying special areas of strenght. Cool.

I too believe all my relationships have been the right one at the right time and they have all taught me wonderful lessons that have gotten me where I am right now. I think I have a sense of my flaws, and a sense of my strong points (at times)....right now I think I am just sort of down about several things in my life....and very involved at work, and I miss having someone to share with. Having had that in the past, I have a better idea of what i would like to see in my life now. I am trying to cultivate friendships...that can meet some of those needs...

Ah, yes....people who work with people...we have the most insights, not always the most success in relationships.

PS. Some lesbians are total Uhaulers...(isn't that the same as serial monogamy?)

deb366

Deb,  I just want to add here that the amount of care and consideration you are giving this area of your life is likely indicative of the amount of happiness and fulfillment you are going to find at some point.  Self awareness goes a long way toward true satisfaction.

Thanks Two,

staying positive always feels better than not...wishing you all the best on your upcoming surgery...it can be a wonderful life changer!

deb366