Do you worry what people will think?

A lot of issues for us tend to do with worrying about what people think. What do I look like? Should I have this or that surgery? What do I tell my family, co-workers, friends?

This used to be me too. But many years ago when I went to OA I read in the daily meditation book that "other peoples opinions of me are none of my business". This was a stunning concept to me. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I talked endlessly to my partner about it. She was stunned too. Some 20 years later it still comes up for discussion. The bottom line is I have to live with my own integrity. I have to be in concert with myself. It's a freeing thought.

What do you think?

Connie

Connie,

When I started pursuing WLS, the opinions just came from everyone and everywhere. You know the stories of the guy who lost 150 pounds on his own, the person who died from WLS, the un-permanence of WLS, etc... I opened myself to them by being very upfront about my surgery.

At about 3 months before surgery, I knew that I had to put myself first. That is a hard thing to do. I gave up volunteer positions, I quit serving on boards and such. I knew the next year particularly was going to be all about me. I made sure I responded each time someone had an opinion. I usually answered, "I have done a lot of research and find WLS to be safe. I ask that you respect my choice and help me with my journey."  

You are correct. Each of us has to live with our own integrity. Pride and self confidence also factors heavily here.

Tom  

This is an interesting question.  I am not sure that I feel that others opinions of me are none of my business.  I would say, however, that the weight I give to another's opinion is directly related to that person's significance in my life.

For example, my mother has shown me over and over again that she holds a great deal of wisdom and I am fortunate to have her and have her share that wisdom with me.  She does have opinions on my decisions sometimes though that I don't agree with and, in her wisdom, she accepts that and we can talk openly about our differences in thought.  Same goes for my partner although, he and I can go a few rounds before we remember that it's okay to disagree  but we always get there in the end.  He was absolutely against surgery for me in the beginning.  Now, he realizes how important it is for me to walk this path.

The opinions that come from less significant relationships, like those with most co-workers or friends of friends, do not concern me.  Those individuals do not know anymore of me than my surface and so thier opinions are skewed from the beginning.

When it really comes down to it, I do my best to only allow in the things that help me grow.  Things that make me reflect and be more self aware.  I try not to let senseless negativity make it's way into me.  At 33, I just don't have room for it anymore.

 For me, over time, I gave up on worrying about it.  I live my life as openly as I want to.  Deep down, I just figure if people can't appreciate me for who I am , then screw them.

I never hid having WLS.  I wasn't going into another closet.  I give a situationally appropriate level of detail if the question comes up.  I never really bought into the argument about it being a "private" thing.  I think we have so much internalized shame over being fat, and then shame over not being able to manage our weight or lose it without surgery, that it just compounds on itself.  That was the first thing to let go of.

mmm..well if you are worried about what people think about you, which people?

I don't know what path you could take that wouldn't get somebody to complain or critize. In the end it is all up to you to live your life.

I think the idea that what someone else thinks about you is none of your business is a great one. First off, so much of it is projection and is about them, why would you want to be involved with that?

I think one of the things when I lost weight that was so weird was that people's reactions to me changed so dramatically. It was related to my weight, BUT not related to 'me'. I was still me. It was their reaction to someone being slimmer than them.

So many things to think about, ponder and focus on...let go what others think...think about what to do to care for yourself and keep yourself on the path you want.

Deb366

I agree with you completely, and my experience thus far has mimicked the experience of others.  The first physician that I saw at my PCP's office (a resident) wrote in my medical record "patient not interested in trying diet and exercise."  The reality of the matter is quite obviously as many others here have, I have tried diet and exercise and they were never enough.  My PCP told him to order the referral for the WLS.

I have a condition called avascular necrosis in my ankle that (also) requires (another) surgery.  I saw an orthopedist who asked me about my weight, and I told him I was in the process of qualifying for WLS.  He asked which one, and went absolutely livid when I told him.  The man could not have been a day younger than 80 years old and, while I don't doubt his skill as an orthopedic surgeon, I certainly would question his awareness of a type of medicine he does not practice.  He insisted that the surgery (DS) would kill me, and that my surgeon was a quack.  He suggested I see another surgeon associated with his hospital for a second opinion.

I saw a nutritionist, too... Her first response was "You've set your mind on starving yourself for this surgery and there's nothing I can do to help you."  When I explained the surgery (which she knew nothing about) and expressed why I had established a goal of reaching a BMI of 49 prior to surgery, she was slightly more understanding... but insisted that I should be double my current weight (316 at 5' 4 1/2" tall) before considering the operation.  I told her very kindly and directly that I was having this surgery and while I respect her opinion as a health-care professional, I'm aware of the risks and benefits (of both the operation and being as heavy as I am), and that I've made up my mind.  I asked if she would approve me for the surgery, and she said no.  I called my surgeon and he told me to see somebody else....  The dietitian is interested, though, in helping me with post-op nutrition and is going to follow up with me regularly (monthly) to help me establish more healthy eating patterns, which I completely support and appreciate.

I think that we need to remember to whom we are responsible at the end of the day.  My future is determined only by what I do with my life and the environmental responses to it.  Many people are opposed to me having surgery to lose weight because there are "other, safer options."  This is a remarkable tool that will help me achieve the healthy lifestyle I need and desire so that I can live well into my old age and become a source of misery for my children and great pleasure for my grand children.  This is my life, my body, my future - this is my decision... and it is yours, too.