overweight partner?

What a frustrating week-end. I am sure i am not the only one here that has an overweight partner that is trying to be supportive for our decision but frustration in their own challenges is making that tough. My partner of 2+ years is having a hard time with all of this, and i am at my wits end. When this began she was going to try and follow my diet (well, we know that's impossible for someone who did not have surgery) of course, that did not work. i try so hard to get her to practice moderation not deprivation. after all, i know her battle well and it did not work for me either. so i understand. then it was going to be using accountability - portion control. BUT - the reason we had this surgery was because we were losing that battle over and over again. fundamentally she knows i had surgery and therefore i am losing weight. so does not have the same benefit. we started out at the same weight pre-surgery - and now i am down about 56 lbs. she is about the same weight. i know how she feels getting dressed and i remember how the pants i planned to wear don't fit. i know how it feels to look in the mirror and see (and be) the fat girlfriend. as we were getting ready to go out she just broke down and sobbed and cried and it broke my heart - because i know how she feels. hearing none of the things coming out of my mouth to her ever helped me to hear them either. i still find her beautiful and sexy no matter what - i love her just like she did for me. for some reason in my head its ok for a butch woman to be bigger (i know that is so wrong but it goes with the whole butch femme dynamic in my head i guess) but damn, part of me feels guilty for doing having this surgery, and the other part wants to say - please, join me. we can do this together i will help you. but, surgery is a huge private decision and i can't make it for her. but love her and desire her without it. she knows what process i went thru and she was supportive all the way but now i feel like she resents me a little. i really am at a loss because i really do understand and nothing helped me either. it just makes me sad. anyone else have an overweight partner that has any sage wisdom or advice? how do i find what to say when nothing i heard even remotely helped me??
~addie

Been there. My partner had RNY 2 years before my Lapband surgery. He was always the “bigger" guy in our relationship. As he lost weight, he soon passed my weight and eventually ended up 100 pounds less than me. I have to admit I was resentful of his loss but at the same time very happy for him. I think it was my insecurity of being suddenly the “bigger" guy. I questioned how this weight loss and his new life would impact our relationship.

Well, two years later, I had Lapband surgery. It took me awhile to accept that I needed to take that step. I worked through a lot of issues in those two years. His decision and results gave me reason to move ahead with surgery. It was the best thing I ever did. You are right. It is a highly personal decision and she has to make that decision. The best you can do is being supportive and show how much a positive impact the surgery has had on your life.

Four years later, we are still together (22+ years) and have embraced our new lives. We are both active. Those bigger and smaller comparisons are no longer important. We both support each other in fighting to remain healthy and maintain our weight loss. So, our WLS has actually brought us closer together. There will be some rough times but you both will have to work through it in your own ways.

Tom

Hey Addie -
I'm not sure I can offer a lot of help, but I know exactly what you are talking about.  Both my partner and I had always struggled with weight - me more so than him.  I had Lap RNY in December of 2010, have lost over 150 lbs and have maintained a weight of 195-200 for about the last year.  At 6'2" that is a very healthy weight for me. 
He was very supportive of me having the surgery, but I do feel some unspoken resentment.  I try to talk about it with him but he won't talk about it.  I think he feels that voicing the resentment will send the message that he prefered me being fat....which I know is not true.  I just don't think he knows how to deal with those emotions.  He does see a counselor on a regualr basis, but we don't talk much about what he discusses with her, I feel that is his 'private time' and he'll share with me what he wants to share.
I have also tried offering him additional support and guidance on things he could be doing differently to help his weight battle, but that only causes more of an issue.  In the back of his mind I think he thinks I took the easy way out.  I once made a suggestion that he could investigate surgery as well, but that did not go well.....his feeling is that having surgery is admitting failure, which he is not yet willing to do.  As you mentioned, deciding to have surgery is a very personal and private decision that people need to get to on their own.  Bottom line is that I feel your pain, just can't offer much in the way of advice to get over the hurdle.

Michael

I too can only sympathize, as I was in a relationship when I had my surgery, and as I got smaller- she got bigger! It was bad, and it only got worse. Now she had lots of other issues, including alcoholism that I didn't know about until later- but the weight thing was a huge deal.

She was constantly sabotaging me, and doing everything she could to keep me overweight as I was the "bigger" one and it was just awful. I hope that none of that happens to you. I hope that you guys can keep communicating and work through this, and help her find peace with herself and your weight loss.

Best of Luck,
:Danni

Hi Addie.  My wife is overweight too.  I was much bigger when we met than she is.  I weighed 325 at my heaviest and I've dropped 150 lbs.  Wifey has about 75 extra lbs on her.  Throughout my whole weight loss journey, she's been super supportive of me.  During the first year after my surgery, she was actually living in another state (I was in CA and she was in OR.)  So when I lost most of the weight we were apart but saw each other every couple of weeks.  Anywho... she was inspired by my weight loss during that 1st year and worked out a lot and ate healthier.  She did drop some weight.  But after a while (just like all of us before our surgeries) she tapered off that regime and put that weight back on.  Now she's down here with me (has been for 19 months now) and she is probably at her heaviest now.  She too is the butch of the relationship and its "ok for the butch to be bigger" right?  I totally get that.  She wants to lose weight and get healthier (especially since we're expecting a baby in less than 3 mos) and she struggles with it.  But she's always been 1000% supportive of me and I'm the same way with her.  She has never wanted to have surgery for herself - it scares her a bit and she actually freaked out a lot when I had mine.  And she onloy has 75 lbs to lose - so she probably wouldn't qualify for RNY or VSG (lapband is SO not an option for us.)  And she would want to do it non-surgically anyway.  I just love and support her however I can.  That's all that you can do with your gf.

thanks everyone for your input and feed back. i do tell her all the time i love her for her not what size her pants are. she has been trying hard and over the last 5 yrs has actually dropped about 100 lbs on her own she told me she was 350 and now she is 240 give or take a few. she is also suffering menopause and i know its so damned emotional and being 50 its even harder... hey, i know. thats why i did this. she has always said my way is not her way. but.... recently she went for a sleep study and commented that if she decides to go this route she will already have that one down. i only replied - it can never hurt to be on top of your health. was almost afraid to talk too much about it. i figure when she is ready to discuss she will. at the moment she is very supportive of me and i appreciate that and in turn will be supportive of her no matter what.

sounds like you ladies are all planning family additions and i am so glad mine are all gone - LOL, you just dont know!

Do you guys really talk about this?  Yes, surgery is a private choice of a person, but well within the regular bounds of discussion in a relationship.  What is keeping her from having surgery?  From what I read that you write, she seems to want to be at less weight.  She sees your success.  What is her real reason, the real driver that prevents her from committing to the surgery?

I apologize I don't have much advice.

I used to be a big guy (310 pounds) dating another big guy (350) and back then when I was just trying diet and exercise, that alone was enough to cause a split between us.  He would stlil stuff his face with junk around me, I was trying to live a healthier life, and this particular relationship wouldn't live through those events.  (Not saying that's the situation you have at all).  My current fiance has always been healthy - active and at a normal weight - accepted me at my higher weight and was supportive through my process to the goal weight I'm at today.

Good luck to both of you.

It is incredibly difficult to eat healthy when other family members are not. My partner and I both come from families that eat large quantities of junk food all the time. We knew we had to take the WLS journy together. I had my RNY in November and my partner had hers in December. We have our "bad food" days, but we both experience the negative feedback from our bodies that is the byproduct of surgery, so we get back on the horse together.

I strongly encourage finding a local WLS buddy for mutual support. If there is a support group in your area, go! The first time is the hardest. If you partner will go with you, that's even better. Non-WLS partners are welcome at our support group. Even if she only goes once, it will be good for her to see why you are going and it will reassure her that it is not a pick-up place, in case she's worried about that.

thanks for all your feedback. yes, we talk about weightloss all the time. and yes, i do go to my support groups and she has come to every one of them with me. she is very supportive of me but the problem is that the smaller i get the harder on herself she is. i know that it is hard for her to fight this struggle of the weight monster - i have fought it too. surprisingly she has started talking about the idea of having surgery as well. she has in the past taken off almost 100 pounds and kept it off. i have really begun cooking again and doing it protein forward and mindfully - i think its helping. i have started packing her a lunch when i pack mine so it too is mindful and healthy. so, hopefully these little changes will help. thanks all, its nice to have this place to go.

Addie-

I see I'm about a month late for this conversation.  I'm afraid I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you either, but my heart broke for the two of you reading your post.  Now that it's been a month since you brought up the topic, give us an update.  How are things going for the two of you?

Andrea