why why why
Why must I deal with the superficial men in the gay community? It's rather annoying. I've found two types of men in Columbus. The first type is allllll about sex and want nothing else. The second type seem genuine but once they see a flaw, they're done. I feel as though I'm pretty attractive except for a few minor things THAT I AM WORKING ON. I'm not perfect, but who is? I'm decent, genuine, and willing to open myself up to another human being - that all should count. I don't expect anyone to understand my decision to have gastric bypass, but I do expect people to respect that decision. & after losing 200 pounds, I am very proud of myself. So, yes I'd expect shocked, concerned, excited, and proud responses. You probably agree. But when I'm talking to this guy for almost a month and he finds out, the first thing he says is, "Not to be rude, but how does someone get that f*ing fat in the first place?" I was baffled. I am going places in life, it would just be nice to meet that guy that would change my perception of every guy I've ever met. Is there hope? Even I don't know the answer to that question anymore.
Andrew,
Sorry for your experiences. Unfortunately obesity is not seen as a disease by most people. They see it as a character flaw and attribute being overweight as being weak. We can not make that go away. We can educate people. There are people who are just lost causes that you may need to write off. That's life.
200 pounds! That is certainly something to be proud of . Take pride in that weight loss and the transformation that you have come through. Life life as your new self and don't let that old self sneak back into your life. Part of living that new life is surrounding yourself with positive people and supportive voices.
I recently blogged about shedding negativity. I was fortunate to hear a cancer survivor tell her story of recovery. The center of that story was shedding negativity and saying good bye to the negative people. I am convinced that is a central theme to any recovery that is a success.
Take care!
Tom from NE Ohio
PS: I saw you posted a goal about cycling. Good ;luck with that! Hope to see you on a ride in the future.
Sorry for your experiences. Unfortunately obesity is not seen as a disease by most people. They see it as a character flaw and attribute being overweight as being weak. We can not make that go away. We can educate people. There are people who are just lost causes that you may need to write off. That's life.
200 pounds! That is certainly something to be proud of . Take pride in that weight loss and the transformation that you have come through. Life life as your new self and don't let that old self sneak back into your life. Part of living that new life is surrounding yourself with positive people and supportive voices.
I recently blogged about shedding negativity. I was fortunate to hear a cancer survivor tell her story of recovery. The center of that story was shedding negativity and saying good bye to the negative people. I am convinced that is a central theme to any recovery that is a success.
Take care!
Tom from NE Ohio
PS: I saw you posted a goal about cycling. Good ;luck with that! Hope to see you on a ride in the future.
Follow my journey to a happy, healthy, active life at TomBilcze.com
Andrew, I'm sorry too that you seem to have run across a bunch of flaming a**holes! Maybe you'll take some comfort in knowing that gay men don't have the market cornerned in that category--there are plenty of superficial, shallow lesbians too (at least here in Atlanta).
I've fussed and cussed and fumed over it, but the key is realizing that we TRULY deserve better. For you to lose 200 pounds is amazing, and one hell of an accomplishment! Could those guys who are judging you have done the same? I doubt it. They don't have the inner strength that you do; that's why they have to rely on outer appearance. You're the strong one, and they are the weaklings. Ask yourself, do you really want to be surrounded by these kind of guys?
I've recently read a book that suggested asking yourself what other people are trying to teach you when they behave badly. So, what is it here? Are they teaching you to acknowledge your inner strength? To refuse to "settle" for superficial individuals in your life? To be proud of your accomplishments and discard those who can't appreciate them? Only you know the answer to that question. But, you'll figure it out. And when you are surrounded in your life by friends who truly love you for YOU, you'll be alot happier and peaceful and can truly appreciate all of your hard work.
Chin up! Best of luck to you, and you keep right on going until you find the happiness and contentment you deserve.
Becky in ATL
I've fussed and cussed and fumed over it, but the key is realizing that we TRULY deserve better. For you to lose 200 pounds is amazing, and one hell of an accomplishment! Could those guys who are judging you have done the same? I doubt it. They don't have the inner strength that you do; that's why they have to rely on outer appearance. You're the strong one, and they are the weaklings. Ask yourself, do you really want to be surrounded by these kind of guys?
I've recently read a book that suggested asking yourself what other people are trying to teach you when they behave badly. So, what is it here? Are they teaching you to acknowledge your inner strength? To refuse to "settle" for superficial individuals in your life? To be proud of your accomplishments and discard those who can't appreciate them? Only you know the answer to that question. But, you'll figure it out. And when you are surrounded in your life by friends who truly love you for YOU, you'll be alot happier and peaceful and can truly appreciate all of your hard work.
Chin up! Best of luck to you, and you keep right on going until you find the happiness and contentment you deserve.
Becky in ATL
1) Congratulations on your success! That's an amazing amount of weight so quickly!
2) Men are pigs.
3) You look fairly young - which is to say, that I think you're starting to learn how other men work and society in general, in an intimate setting. Trust me, your observations aren't limited to your local Columbus geography; a simple majority of men are sex-focused (regardless of their sexuality) and others either judge potential partners too softly or too harshly.
People judge too softly when they have self-esteem problems, guilt issues, they are co-dependant and feel the pressure to be with "some one", etc. People judge too harshly when they are arrogent, unable to empathize, in search of trophy partners. etc. I like to think that as you date throughout the years, each relationship that you close off educates you about another new facet that you learn is really important to you in a relationship, that you didn't realize before.
On that spectrum, I'm honestly on the "judge harsh" side. I work hard to stay mentally, physically, and financially healthy, and I do want a partner who matches that in most respects. That doesn't mean I want someone who is an alturistic saint, or Mr. Universe, or rich. It does mean I demand someone who is free of psycosis (but not neurosis), that doesn't drug or drink himself to harm, and that doesn't live beyond his means. And I make no exceptions.
AH yes, back to men being pigs. When a guy says "Not to be rude, but how does someone get that ******g fat in the first place?", you should be bold and honest and say "well if you don't mean to be rude, you are failing." And this is an issue regardless of sexuality; people never challenged with obesity simply don't understand how it happens to us.
While you might be depressed about it now, this is actually great for you. Why? It's a terrific screening mechanism. You don't want to be with some dick that thinks you were bizarre because you were fat or crazy, etc. You want the guy that asks for your story and says "wow, I have a lot of respect for you taking control of your life". That's the guy you want - it's good that men are idiots and say their stupid thoughts aloud - you waste less time figuring out they are wrong for you.
Of course there's hope - you're young still (as Dan Savage would preach at you - and if you don't know who he is, get on iTunes and start downloading the Savage Love PodCast right now!!!!) Oh sure, the good men, the ones that will respect you, are rare. But never give up.
Good luck!
2) Men are pigs.
3) You look fairly young - which is to say, that I think you're starting to learn how other men work and society in general, in an intimate setting. Trust me, your observations aren't limited to your local Columbus geography; a simple majority of men are sex-focused (regardless of their sexuality) and others either judge potential partners too softly or too harshly.
People judge too softly when they have self-esteem problems, guilt issues, they are co-dependant and feel the pressure to be with "some one", etc. People judge too harshly when they are arrogent, unable to empathize, in search of trophy partners. etc. I like to think that as you date throughout the years, each relationship that you close off educates you about another new facet that you learn is really important to you in a relationship, that you didn't realize before.
On that spectrum, I'm honestly on the "judge harsh" side. I work hard to stay mentally, physically, and financially healthy, and I do want a partner who matches that in most respects. That doesn't mean I want someone who is an alturistic saint, or Mr. Universe, or rich. It does mean I demand someone who is free of psycosis (but not neurosis), that doesn't drug or drink himself to harm, and that doesn't live beyond his means. And I make no exceptions.
AH yes, back to men being pigs. When a guy says "Not to be rude, but how does someone get that ******g fat in the first place?", you should be bold and honest and say "well if you don't mean to be rude, you are failing." And this is an issue regardless of sexuality; people never challenged with obesity simply don't understand how it happens to us.
While you might be depressed about it now, this is actually great for you. Why? It's a terrific screening mechanism. You don't want to be with some dick that thinks you were bizarre because you were fat or crazy, etc. You want the guy that asks for your story and says "wow, I have a lot of respect for you taking control of your life". That's the guy you want - it's good that men are idiots and say their stupid thoughts aloud - you waste less time figuring out they are wrong for you.
Of course there's hope - you're young still (as Dan Savage would preach at you - and if you don't know who he is, get on iTunes and start downloading the Savage Love PodCast right now!!!!) Oh sure, the good men, the ones that will respect you, are rare. But never give up.
Good luck!
Heaviest weight: 310 pounds (Male, 5'10")
Hello Andrew,
I wish there was something that I could say that would make you feel all better, but unfortunately I don't think there are any magic words...although our friends here have come close. While it doesn't make it easy in the interim, you are getting the chance to weed out the men who don't fit the idea of what you want in a partner. There are so many people out there that don't match that criteria, and unfortunately there are many, many gay men who are more superficial than most. There are a few out there though that are absolutely amazing and when you find them you'll be all the more lucky...as will they! You're an amazing catch Andrew. Be willing to put yourself out there, and get hurt along the way, because your capacity to feel joy is directly proportion to the amount of your feelings you're willing to risk. You're worth it!
Hugs,
Danny
I wish there was something that I could say that would make you feel all better, but unfortunately I don't think there are any magic words...although our friends here have come close. While it doesn't make it easy in the interim, you are getting the chance to weed out the men who don't fit the idea of what you want in a partner. There are so many people out there that don't match that criteria, and unfortunately there are many, many gay men who are more superficial than most. There are a few out there though that are absolutely amazing and when you find them you'll be all the more lucky...as will they! You're an amazing catch Andrew. Be willing to put yourself out there, and get hurt along the way, because your capacity to feel joy is directly proportion to the amount of your feelings you're willing to risk. You're worth it!
Hugs,
Danny
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