Losing weight and becoming a different gay stereotype

So, while there's many terrific things about our gay culture, a potentially bad one is that it's so intent on images, perceived beauty, and sterotyping/pigeon-holing. 

For instance, I guess I used to identify as a "chub".  Now though, with my current frame, I'm definitely "bear"ish.  But if I continue to lose weight... I'll be... what, an otter?  An old twink?  I don't even know anymore.  

And while my fiance/partner has been completely supportive of me know at my minimum weight and also at the start of my maximum weight, I had first dates with guys in my past that would tell me that I was cute and they'd love to date me if only I weighed less (and I was much less big back then compared to my maximum!)

I never really fit into the traditional gay stereotype, but neither do I claim the straight-acting attitude on the other side of the fence either.  I'm masculine when I feel the need, and feminine (or emotional) when I feel the need.  I'm stoic and rarely emotional at work, but I have been seen to cry at a wedding.  I'm really more of a third spectrum, out more in the nerd dimension (I'm a scientist!).

Oh, I see I'm rambling.  I guess I just want to start an open conversation about gay stereotyping within the gay community, and have you guys seen people start to pigeon-hole you into different categories as you lost weight?  Did you want to be placed into another category, and was happy to find yourself there?  Have you been typed as something new and didn't want to be associated with that?  What did you see yourself as, and what do you see yourself as now?

I do agree that there are many great things about our culture it can be sad when we divide into our own subcultures.  When I was young and thin I found myself in the circle of bears and I have stayed there thick and thin.  A friend of mine who went thru the surgery two years ago however lost the weight and traded his fur for skinny jeans and a dance floor. 
I personaly think that the sub culture you hang in is based more on personality than size.  I like my bears big or small. 

the sub classes for me are hard to keep up with,being in my early 40 and just coming to grip with being  gay after a 15 year mariage . Never understood the bear ,tweenk ,chub . i ahev been with the same partner for 6 years we meat when i was 350 pounds now that im 210 pounds i worrie a little about not being a bear it seems that is what he likes . also guess that i want to get to know someone for there inner being not there outer shell .

Hmmm.....  What a great conversation.  Let me think out "loud"...

For me, I've never really wanted to fit into any one crowd.  I didn't go "greek" in college and the only group I really fit in with was the band.  And even then I was pretty much a loner.  I guess my personality type is pretty much more of a loner so I've never really fit the need to join into any group.

I understand how people feel the need to fit into a group, such as sub-communities within the gay community.  We're getting so large now that I think it is normal to form groups where there are common bonds, interests and such.  The only group I really ever fit into was the "chub" group and I only joined a website because that was where I would find guys that were attracted to me, at least physically.  For me, I don't feel the need to fit into any one group even now.  I think it has it's good points and bad points, with the bad being I don't socialize too much.  We like our quiety, happy life though.

I don't find other people trying to classify me too much either.  I don't really have the "bear" attitude, although I find "bear" men very, very attractive.  However, those who live the lifestyle are a bit much for me.  I still think it is a little funny for people to go "woof" to one another.  I think I just value individuality more than the ability to be in any one group, and that influences what I find attractive in others.  Somehow, that influences how people feel about me and they see me as I see myself.  Does that logic follow?

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

Hugs all,

Danny

Danny, your logic definitely flows, thanks for sharing it.  The "woof" thing was always a bit of a surprise to me as well!

I know what you mean about those websites like BiggerCity were you "had" to go to find people that could be attracted to you - and it's so funny... On there, I'd just be considered another chaser now. 

I think it's tough when you don't necessarily fit into these gay stereotypes, because then you might feel like you don't fit... and I don't think straight people are away that gay people can feel like they don't belong with gay people because of the small size of the community.  But it's a big issue.

I guess i have always been considered a "bear."  I have struggled with this because I can't really stomach any of the sub-cultures, and particularly the "bear" culture.  I am not particularly attracted to big hairy guys, don't feel the need to say "woof" in bars, and have absolutely no desire to sport bear pride stickers/shirts/mudflaps.  I guess I always felt that I was kinda on my own in the gay community (frankly, many aspects of the gay "community' irritate me to death anyway).  There seems to be so many rituals and customs that come as baggage all because of who I love.  I guess with losing weight, I will likely slide out of the bear category.  I think this will change how others perceive me, but not how I perceive myself.  I am just me.    

Thanks... that's a very interesting perspective!  Still, as you slide out of the bear category, I wonder if others will then try to place you in another one??

Hey Ruggie,

I can relate to your post.   I started out as a chub/bear hybrid and now I guess I am still a bear... but maybe on the average side?  I don't know....  I am down 85lbs from 325lbs and I find it hard to find my place in gay culture as well.  I am in a 38 waist and a Large, sometimes medium shirt.... I really wish my ass would catch up to the rest of me...

The hardest thing for me was to see guys from my past who were into me as a bigger guy now be totally unattracted to me.   I had a regular.... "friend" who totally dropped me once he found out I was going to have lapband (before I had surgery even!  for all he knows I didnt go through with it, lol)

But...To answer your question, I just see myself as Me.   

Yeah, I agree about the oddness of when you had someone who was very into you at that bigger size... and now they really aren't into your new size... it's a very weird feeling.

I also think it can feel weird knowing you're not part of that community anymore, especially after you spent so much time there, and previously identified so much with it.

Well Ruggie, I can testify from the lesbian standpoint that yeah, there are stereotypes. Especially here in Atlanta, in the "professional" women's community (I am a lawyer): if you're not slim, trim, and dressed to kill, then you can pretty much forget about getting a date or even finding a crowd to run with. Very clique-ish, which to me is a total pain in the a**. Needless to say I don't fit in now, and I won't fit in even at goal weight, because I refuse to be so f-ing shallow. What counts is on the INSIDE, not the outside. Women who pay lip service to that concept, but don't accept it, have no place in my life. I didn't go thru the ordeal of surgery to hang out with a bunch of creeps. Cherish your uniqueness! And cheri**** in others. YOU deserve friends and partners who love you the way you are!