I think my relationship has derailed my goals
Hi all, I haven't signed onto this account in who knows how long. I'm surprised I remembered my password. I would have posted this in the Men's forum which I used to be active in but since this is more of **** issue, I thought maybe there might be someone reading this that might be able to give me advice. This posting is both WLS and mostly relationship related, be advised.
I'm 3+ years post-op RNYGB. I was 401 at my highest, and the lowest I got post-op was 264. Fast forward to present, I'm now at 296. Yes, I know there is a lowest point and we then gain a little back... obviously this has taken place and then some. Now we get into the deep stuff...
So, I've been in a relationship with a man for over 8 years now (met in 2003). I gained over 100lbs since I met him. Severally depressed especially after finding out he's been cheating on me. Decided to "open the relationship" given I had lost attraction to him, now entered a co-dependent relationship. Decided to have surgery (2008). Things got better awhile after. Now they are back to the same. He loves to tempt me with foods I love. He'll go to the store and buy things that I have real weaknesses for... even to the point where I've had vomitting and big dumping syndrome episodes because I've devulged in them. Yet, if I go shopping, I would never buy these things because I know what they do to me. He's declared Friday as pizza night, which is my favorate food, and he never did this before my surgery. I have come to the conclusion he does this in order to not lose me. But, I'm reading through him...
Back when I first met him, I was unemployed. He was the bread-winner and he bailed me out of a very bad situation. Today, the tables have turned. I'm now gainfully employed, and he has been out of work for 2.5 years now (not very long after my surgery). He's done some side work to keep his car, etc. But now I pay 100% rent/utils/food, before we used to split it 50/50. Now, He would rather sit on the computer and hookup with other men while I'm at work, which I found out recently. We have an "open relationship" but not to this level, we agreed to tell each other about our experiences. But he's kept them secret.
I want to go to the gym, I want to change my eating habits back to the way they were when I recently post-op, I want to go buy clothes and not get upset that my size has gone up again. Instead, I have to deal with this emotional baggage of my so called "partner" which is emotionally and physically draining. I almost hate coming home after work just because I have to see him. He always asks me when I'm non-social with him "What's wrong? or "Are you ok?" I just want to smack him across the face and tell him you're my problem.
So if there's any of you gay men or women who may or may not be post-op that can advise me, I would appreciate it. I have heard about other relationships both straight and gay that have had these issues where a partner was a primary factor for weight gain/derailment. I want to leave him and get back to my goals. But I can't kick him out on the street without dealing with major guilt because he bailed me out in the past. I care for him but at the same time, I want him to just go away. I don't love him anymore really and there's no physical attraction anymore either. I really would love some alone time so I can concentrate on me.
I am going to contact my old general practitioner when I was going through surgery who is also "family" and see if he can contact a therapist I may be able to talk to. I'm starting to get depressed/suicidal again and I don't want to go down the road.
Thanks
-J
I'm 3+ years post-op RNYGB. I was 401 at my highest, and the lowest I got post-op was 264. Fast forward to present, I'm now at 296. Yes, I know there is a lowest point and we then gain a little back... obviously this has taken place and then some. Now we get into the deep stuff...
So, I've been in a relationship with a man for over 8 years now (met in 2003). I gained over 100lbs since I met him. Severally depressed especially after finding out he's been cheating on me. Decided to "open the relationship" given I had lost attraction to him, now entered a co-dependent relationship. Decided to have surgery (2008). Things got better awhile after. Now they are back to the same. He loves to tempt me with foods I love. He'll go to the store and buy things that I have real weaknesses for... even to the point where I've had vomitting and big dumping syndrome episodes because I've devulged in them. Yet, if I go shopping, I would never buy these things because I know what they do to me. He's declared Friday as pizza night, which is my favorate food, and he never did this before my surgery. I have come to the conclusion he does this in order to not lose me. But, I'm reading through him...
Back when I first met him, I was unemployed. He was the bread-winner and he bailed me out of a very bad situation. Today, the tables have turned. I'm now gainfully employed, and he has been out of work for 2.5 years now (not very long after my surgery). He's done some side work to keep his car, etc. But now I pay 100% rent/utils/food, before we used to split it 50/50. Now, He would rather sit on the computer and hookup with other men while I'm at work, which I found out recently. We have an "open relationship" but not to this level, we agreed to tell each other about our experiences. But he's kept them secret.
I want to go to the gym, I want to change my eating habits back to the way they were when I recently post-op, I want to go buy clothes and not get upset that my size has gone up again. Instead, I have to deal with this emotional baggage of my so called "partner" which is emotionally and physically draining. I almost hate coming home after work just because I have to see him. He always asks me when I'm non-social with him "What's wrong? or "Are you ok?" I just want to smack him across the face and tell him you're my problem.
So if there's any of you gay men or women who may or may not be post-op that can advise me, I would appreciate it. I have heard about other relationships both straight and gay that have had these issues where a partner was a primary factor for weight gain/derailment. I want to leave him and get back to my goals. But I can't kick him out on the street without dealing with major guilt because he bailed me out in the past. I care for him but at the same time, I want him to just go away. I don't love him anymore really and there's no physical attraction anymore either. I really would love some alone time so I can concentrate on me.
I am going to contact my old general practitioner when I was going through surgery who is also "family" and see if he can contact a therapist I may be able to talk to. I'm starting to get depressed/suicidal again and I don't want to go down the road.
Thanks
-J
If I were Dan Savage I would tell you to DTMFA. If you're not familiar with his column/blog/podcast I'd highly recommend them.
I say this because there are many of us who find ourselves in terrible partnerships after WLS myself included. I was with a woman who was dragging me down and one of the best things I ever did was let her go. She would do things like purposely bring in my trigger foods. '
My current wife would never dream of doing that, in fact if she even thinks that something may trigger me- she asks if it can come in the house. These are the sorts of kindnesses that partners are supposed to do. We are supposed to do everything in our power to make each other better people...not bring each other down.
I thought I was helping my ex when she was down, but all I was doing was keeping her from hitting rock bottom. Me leaving her was for both of us. And I met the love of my life soon after our break up.
Sounds like your situation is a bit similar to my previous one and I hope that you get the help you need, so that you can see how valuable you are.
Good luck
:Danni
I say this because there are many of us who find ourselves in terrible partnerships after WLS myself included. I was with a woman who was dragging me down and one of the best things I ever did was let her go. She would do things like purposely bring in my trigger foods. '
My current wife would never dream of doing that, in fact if she even thinks that something may trigger me- she asks if it can come in the house. These are the sorts of kindnesses that partners are supposed to do. We are supposed to do everything in our power to make each other better people...not bring each other down.
I thought I was helping my ex when she was down, but all I was doing was keeping her from hitting rock bottom. Me leaving her was for both of us. And I met the love of my life soon after our break up.
Sounds like your situation is a bit similar to my previous one and I hope that you get the help you need, so that you can see how valuable you are.
Good luck
:Danni
:Danni >>>AIDS/LifeCycle 10 & 11 Finisher: 545miles on the bike in 7 days <<<
HW390/SW340/CW 208/GW170
Well you will be happy to know that not very long after I posted my original, did I blow up at him and told him I wanted him out of my life and had a very long argument. I had been chatting with another man in a LTR on another website for gay bear men (you can guess which one). He gave me some advice. Some trigger things happened last night that caused me to finally say what I wanted to say.
He took it well, although upset. Just this afternoon he asked to talk to me, which I agreed to. He said that he needs until the beginning of next year to make sure his side work will keep him stable, as it's been increasing. That's ok since our lease won't be up until April, since we just moved so I could start a new career. We'll still share the bed but he agreed to not bother me anymore. He offered to leave if I want to bring a boy over, which I told him that's not an issue. He said he agrees to move on and still be friends and he still loves me, which is mutual.
So, anyway... Yeah, glad I could finally get my feelings across. Still a bit in a "blah" state... feel liberated but at the same time, losing something I've had so long. I spent almost a third of my life with this person. I want get back on the weight loss pony as soon as possible, but not sure I can until he's really gone.
He took it well, although upset. Just this afternoon he asked to talk to me, which I agreed to. He said that he needs until the beginning of next year to make sure his side work will keep him stable, as it's been increasing. That's ok since our lease won't be up until April, since we just moved so I could start a new career. We'll still share the bed but he agreed to not bother me anymore. He offered to leave if I want to bring a boy over, which I told him that's not an issue. He said he agrees to move on and still be friends and he still loves me, which is mutual.
So, anyway... Yeah, glad I could finally get my feelings across. Still a bit in a "blah" state... feel liberated but at the same time, losing something I've had so long. I spent almost a third of my life with this person. I want get back on the weight loss pony as soon as possible, but not sure I can until he's really gone.
My wife is my biggest supporter and I have appreciated her help so much.
You deserve that kind of support too!
Like you I gained a lot of weight after my wife and I had been together about a year. I had issues with insulin resistance and depression. My wife wasn't thrilled about me having surgery -- because she was scared for me -- but she supported me all the way.
My wife won't even bring a loaf of white bread into the house without asking me first. She also never suggests a restaurant if she knows I won't be able to find a good option on the menu. Also, sometimes when I have had enough I will ask her to get rid of the rest of the food item and she does. In my first 4+ months with the RnY I threw up almost everyday and my wife was so sympathetic. She asks if I have had enough protein, water and vitamins but she isn't controlling about it.
I could have gone through this journey alone, but having a partner who cares has been just wonderful.
I totally understand open relationships but I would only call it an open relationship if you both make the desicion together to be in an open relationship. It sounds like you got pushed into your situation.
Sure, give him some time to get on his feet, but then go find a man who is going to support everything you do, not cheat and treat you like the awesome person that you are.
Hang in there!
Shannon
You deserve that kind of support too!
Like you I gained a lot of weight after my wife and I had been together about a year. I had issues with insulin resistance and depression. My wife wasn't thrilled about me having surgery -- because she was scared for me -- but she supported me all the way.
My wife won't even bring a loaf of white bread into the house without asking me first. She also never suggests a restaurant if she knows I won't be able to find a good option on the menu. Also, sometimes when I have had enough I will ask her to get rid of the rest of the food item and she does. In my first 4+ months with the RnY I threw up almost everyday and my wife was so sympathetic. She asks if I have had enough protein, water and vitamins but she isn't controlling about it.
I could have gone through this journey alone, but having a partner who cares has been just wonderful.
I totally understand open relationships but I would only call it an open relationship if you both make the desicion together to be in an open relationship. It sounds like you got pushed into your situation.
Sure, give him some time to get on his feet, but then go find a man who is going to support everything you do, not cheat and treat you like the awesome person that you are.
Hang in there!
Shannon
Highest weight: 331 (4/13/10), Entered Bariatric Program: 320 (9/7/10), Pre-Surgery Goal: 310, Day of Surgery: 307 (2/15/11), Current Weight: 171 (5/12/12). 5'5". I am overweight now!
I'm glad you gave him the boot. I'm considering doing the same. My partner has done nothing but sabotage my weight loss efforts since we met.
It wasn't much of an issue with me until I got serious about seeking out the surgery and actually needed to drop some weight preop. She did nothing but undermine every effort I made. Our pre-teen daughter and friends even pointed it out to me frequently. I have had several heart to hearts with her about it. She apologizes and slowly does it again.
Post Op she is now Mr. Hyde. Hoping to control each oz that goes in my mouth she has become hypervigilant about everything with me and food.
I think there's a lot of jealousy involved because she's obese too and says jokingly she doesn't want to be fat alone.
It wasn't much of an issue with me until I got serious about seeking out the surgery and actually needed to drop some weight preop. She did nothing but undermine every effort I made. Our pre-teen daughter and friends even pointed it out to me frequently. I have had several heart to hearts with her about it. She apologizes and slowly does it again.
Post Op she is now Mr. Hyde. Hoping to control each oz that goes in my mouth she has become hypervigilant about everything with me and food.
I think there's a lot of jealousy involved because she's obese too and says jokingly she doesn't want to be fat alone.
To whom much is given, much is required. 
On September 5, 2011 at 10:52 PM Pacific Time, RushingMightyWind wrote:
I'm glad you gave him the boot. I'm considering doing the same. My partner has done nothing but sabotage my weight loss efforts since we met. It wasn't much of an issue with me until I got serious about seeking out the surgery and actually needed to drop some weight preop. She did nothing but undermine every effort I made. Our pre-teen daughter and friends even pointed it out to me frequently. I have had several heart to hearts with her about it. She apologizes and slowly does it again.
Post Op she is now Mr. Hyde. Hoping to control each oz that goes in my mouth she has become hypervigilant about everything with me and food.
I think there's a lot of jealousy involved because she's obese too and says jokingly she doesn't want to be fat alone.
THANKS FOR POSTING THIS SENTENCE!
It's exactly what she's doing, and she's telling the truth--even if she isn't aware of it. I've said for a couple years now, on other forums on this board, that it's SO MUCH safer to remain where you are even if where you are SUCKS and you're not happy, because it is the "known" factor, as opposed to making a huge change of her own--therefore having to face the same fears and concerns we have all had. "What if this doesn't work, what if I don't lose any weight (or not enough), what if I get sick, what if I ______ fill in the blank here.
Staying in an unfulfilling, abusive, intolerant, disrespectful relationship (or job, for that matter) doesn't obviously work in the long run BUT staying in one because you're fearful of the 'other side' of WLS is not surprising to me. So many people have "lost" friends when they got thinner....jealousy? Likely. Fear? Very likely. Afraid of sticking out like a sore thumb amongst your fat friends? OH YEAH! Being treated differently by others? OH YEAH YEAH.
Your friends or lovers have to get real and support you, or they were never behind you in the first place. You can't allow THEIR crap to control the decisions you've made to be healthy. If the relationship is truly important to you, you need to encourage lifestyle changes as a couple, and enjoy the changes together.
When you start getting unwanted attention (and you likely will), it can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. And it will cause it if you both aren't on the same page....and still could cause problems even if you are depending on the other persons' own emotional status.
Lisa J
HW: 277 Day of Surgery: 234 CW: 161 Goal: 135 sounds good but....? Who knows!
HW/277 EVAL/260 PREOP/246 SURGERY DAY/243 CW/162 1/3/2011
HW: 277 Day of Surgery: 234 CW: 161 Goal: 135 sounds good but....? Who knows!
HW/277 EVAL/260 PREOP/246 SURGERY DAY/243 CW/162 1/3/2011
J,
I read the whole message thread. ship issues. It appears you took a positive step to move forward. Sometimes relationship gives us a sense of security when the relationship does just the opposite and we are unable to see that. You have had great success in your weight loss and should be proud of that. You should definitely have pride in yourself and how you want to move forward with your life. That may be best without him. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. .Never minimize your feelings and emotions. Best of luck moving forward.
Tom
I read the whole message thread. ship issues. It appears you took a positive step to move forward. Sometimes relationship gives us a sense of security when the relationship does just the opposite and we are unable to see that. You have had great success in your weight loss and should be proud of that. You should definitely have pride in yourself and how you want to move forward with your life. That may be best without him. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. .Never minimize your feelings and emotions. Best of luck moving forward.
Tom
Follow my journey to a happy, healthy, active life at TomBilcze.com
Hello J,
I can't imagine how tough it must be for you to be going through this, given the amount of time you two have shared a life together. My thoughts are with you. Congratulations though for taking the very hard step in moving forward with your healthy life, emotionally and physically.
You didn't really ask for advice, but I thought I'd put in a word of caution. Be wary about being drawn back in to any negative situations. I imagine it would be near impossible when you are living with someone but I imagine being cautious about it will help to keep you on a more peaceful path.
Don't wait to start getting healthy now. I think the first step is the inside stuff, which I think you've already started. Go ahead and do the outside stuff too. Maybe if your soon to be ex-partner can see the changes you are making, it may help motivate him to make some changes in his life too. While you don't need to be concerned about that, it couldn't hurt for him to see you doing so well. His lack of health doesn't necessarily need to dictate yours.
Hugs to you and keep in touch with us.
Hugs,
Danny
I can't imagine how tough it must be for you to be going through this, given the amount of time you two have shared a life together. My thoughts are with you. Congratulations though for taking the very hard step in moving forward with your healthy life, emotionally and physically.
You didn't really ask for advice, but I thought I'd put in a word of caution. Be wary about being drawn back in to any negative situations. I imagine it would be near impossible when you are living with someone but I imagine being cautious about it will help to keep you on a more peaceful path.
Don't wait to start getting healthy now. I think the first step is the inside stuff, which I think you've already started. Go ahead and do the outside stuff too. Maybe if your soon to be ex-partner can see the changes you are making, it may help motivate him to make some changes in his life too. While you don't need to be concerned about that, it couldn't hurt for him to see you doing so well. His lack of health doesn't necessarily need to dictate yours.
Hugs to you and keep in touch with us.
Hugs,
Danny
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