Sexual Identity

I have posted earlier about obsesssing over women. I finally got my head out of my rear on that one.

I am curious to know how people did with their sexuality and weight loss. Before surgery, I had lost my identity as a lesbian, as a woman. It has been many years since I have had any type of relationship except for Harriet, the furry dominatrix, my loveable Maine Coon cat. 

I feel like I have missed out on the learning curve, being so heavy for so many years. My weight, my fat was there to keep people at bay. I was not a sexual being.

Now after surgery, and after coming out of "medical menopause" caused by excess weight, I fee like a lost, horny teenager. All those years normally spent dating and finding a partner (or two), I spent running and trying to survive my own self loathing. I feel like I am too old for some of the feelings and emotions I go through. I don't want to play games like I remember from highschool. I am an adult and want an adult relationship. However, at this stage in my recovery, I am a total NOOB!

Any insight or just telling me, hey chickie you normal (or whatever), is welcome.


Thanks in advance~


Mary V.

Mary,  I was just talking about this to my gf.  I kinda put myself (needs and all) on the back burner when I was heavy, I felt I didn't deserve better.  Since having the surgery and loosing the weight I'm more aware of my needs and what I want and darn it I deserve it..  Attitude makes a world of difference.  Yes you're normal.  =D

Welcome Mary --
You are not a NOOB!! Most of my mid twenties I spent fat, from about 22-28 when I had the surgery. I had a few girlfriends but nothing totally serious. When I lost the weight I also realized my current relationship wasn't what I wanted. I broke up with her and felt totally and completely lost. Thinking how do I date what do I do, how do I find someone. Well I actually turned to the Internet. I met a wonderful women on-line and we started chatting, and she lived about 12 minutes from me, and long story short, we just celebrated our one year anniversary next year, and I have been shopping for a ring. I learned it was all in how I felt about myself. I used to walk around with my head down praying people wouldn't look at me and I could just hide in my fat. Now I walk around head up smiling at people. When I started thinking wow I feel great, it seemed everyone else started smiling back. You are doing awesome!!! you are on this amazing journey and you can get back out there and find someone amazing to share it with. You are never too old to feel like a horny young teenager....good luck.

~Erin

Good for you, Mary!  You seem to have gotten over your "obsession" much quicker than I've been able to.  Although, I think I may now see a light at the end of the tunnel...no, she's not interested in me but I've got to forget about that and focus on other things. 

I'm a few steps behind you in the weight loss area, too.  I'm still battling the insurance company for approval, and that is of course a major source of stress.  But I'm gonna keep thinking positive and say that I WILL be dealing with relationship issues one of these days when I've had my surgery and the weight is coming off.  It will be difficult for me, not just because I've been overweight for the past 15 years or so, but because I was in a relationship for 18 years.  I didn't have to think about dating, meeting people, etc.  Now here I am, and I'm torn.  Part of me wants to start running down this new path of my life, and dating again; the other part realizes "OMG, I have not touched another woman in 18 years, what the heck do I do?!  HOW do I go on a date?!" 
The only way I can handle thinking in these terms is to...not think about it.  Right now I have no desire to be around other lesbians.  Partly because my feelings are still hurt big time from the rejection, I will admit (sour grapes, anyone?).  But, the best route for me right now seems to be just do things with existing friends and concentrate on making new ones.  I've recently met some gay guys who are really cool, and I hope to do some things with them.  I need to be just one of the guys again.  I want to have fun, first and foremost.  I think if I can do that, the "dating" and romantic issues will fall into place in due time--whether I've had my surgery by then or not. 

Good luck to you, and congratulations on taking some very positive steps!  You go girl!

Gosh can I relate!  Just like one of the other posters, I put my wants, needs, dreams and desires on the back burner and settled for second best because I had been conditioned to believe that I wasn't worth more.  My change started peeking through when I gave birth to twin girls in July 2006 and KNEW something had to give if they had a shot at not going through what I did.

The difference was that I was in a relationship that was condusive to my self-destruction.  For 12 years.  I put up with her cheating on me with men..even when I was pregnant, taking off and leaving me with two ADHD pre-teen boys AND two newborns for days at a time because she felt it was "her right" as the only working adult in the house at the time.  Nevermind the fact that I had financially supported her AND her boys for 9 years prior, sometimes completely on my own. 

I finally got out of that funk in late 2009, but not until I was living in an extended stay hotel supporting her and three toddlers (the older boys went back with their biological father by this time) on less than $13/hr....with a rent of $1100 a month.  We lost our condo when black mold got into the HVAC system and the landlords threw us out after I went to HUD and filed a complaint.  That's just the short version. 

In the 10 years I had been pursuing RNY (started researching in mid to late 1999), I had always had insurance that I paid for (either through employer sponsored or my small business plan) and NONE of them would cover my weight loss surgery or anything related to weight loss in general.  Three months after we split for good and she went back to CA, I lost my job of over 3 years and wound up in a homeless shelter for single moms in the Austin, TX area.  I wound up back in Colorado two months later after my dad talked me into letting him help me move out there after being gone for 16 years. 

A month and a half after moving, I met a wonderful woman who was totaly supportive of my need to have this surgery done (my ex was not).  Even though I had no intention of getting into a relationship of any kind as a single parent with (then) three year old twins...unemployed and living with my dad (I've always been uber independant)...it happened anyway.  I wound up having my RNY 9 months after moving back to Colorado.  I am now 7 months post-op and I have definitily seen a change in my sexuality as the weight comes off.

I'm not sure if it's from the hormones being straightened out (I have PCOS), not being in a stressful relationship...or my age...or all of thee above.  But it's been a shock to feel like this!! 

As I continue down this road to recovery, including therapy, I am realizing how much I used my weight to keep people away from me and why.  I'm starting to work through that.  I feel like a teenager again in that way, too!!

It's pretty common knowledge in the LGBT community that if you 'come out' later in life, that you will likely experience a second adolescence. Where you have to go through the whole rigmarole of figuring out what you like/need/want/desire.

It's totally natural, and most gays are usually very supportive. So my advise is to don't worry about dating just yet, but get involved in the LGBT community. Volunteer at a youth center, join a gay choir, find a dinner out group, focus on things you find fun, and just be open. And keep posting here, this board is a great resource!

Bonne Chance
:Danni

Great advice there, it echos what my therapist was suggesting to me to break out of my isolation here in the real world.

Not really been in a closet most of my 50+ years. But this is still great advice for new beginnings, whatever they may be.

ODAAT,
d

I am still a bit young, but i went through the same thing all my teenage years and some of my twenties. Because of my weight, i didnt think i deserved better..i thought i deserved what i got. But you are in your recovery stage..and congrads to you...Just keep your head up!!!

I'm sort of in the same boat.  In my 40's and food is my only ex of recent memory.  relationship is "single with cats".  How to get into it?  Lots of people suggest going online, and I have always been hesitant, but actually I gotta say that being on the OH forums has helped me realize that communicating via Internet can be very real in that I have met somegreatpeople virtually that have offered great advice and support and didn't feel awkward about that, so what have I got to lose? Try it and see what happens.  If you don't meet anyone spectacular, you can consider them "training dates".

Good luck.

Coming out is like a 2nd adolescence.  I came out to myself at 17 - as bisexual - but didn't come out to the world as a lesbian until I was 26.

Now with the weight loss I feel like I am going through a 3rd adolescence.  Relationship wise I am all set I am married to an awesome woman who has been with me littlerally through thick and thin-ish.

But now I am just figuring out what to wear, I have a new haircut, I am taking my work in a new direction.  It's a lot to go through.

I actually met my wife through Craig's List of all places.  Neither one of us was looking for something serious and then we acidentally fell in love.

I hope the right woman comes your way soon.  And I hope she loves you for who you are inside.  Because while we might look different, we're essentially the same as we always were. 

Best wishes to you on this journey!