Please offer advice with no judgement

I found out through the computer's 'history' folder that my 16 yr old child considers herself trangender. 

I found her blog and while I totally support how she feels and where she is going (I love her regardless of who she loves).

I just need some advice - do I let her know that I found this? She mentions wanting to be 'out' with her family and talks about (on her blog) getting testosterone treatment etc.

I am so torn between letting her know I found this info (I was NOT snooping, I am a parent who checks out what their kid is doing online). While I appreciate that a 16 year old deserves privacy, she is writing this blog on MY laptop.  She is computer savvy, so my feeling is that she has left a trail for me to find.

There is a lot of angst in the house, just because of normal teen issues.  I think that if I let her know we (her father and I) are OK with this that some of the tension will be relieved.

Please help and if you have nothing nice to stay, close the thread and move on.  I really need concrete thoughts, not flaming.
J

Hello J,

I have a 14 year old and he knows that I monitor his internet activity, so I understand the need to do so.  He has his areas of expected privacy, and we honor that, but with the internet it's just not safe in my opinion.  But to your issue...

From what I understand, while transgender issues and gay/lesbian issues overlap in some areas, in most they do not.  They are unique and since I'm not trans, I'm not quite the best person to ask.  I would get in touch with a local PFLAG chapter, or search for an online trans community, and ask for help there.  Imagining myself in your child's shoes, I think I would be more receptive to "If you are transgendered, I would love you and accept you as you are" rather than "I think you are transgendered, and it's okay."  That's just my two cents though.

It's so great that your child has such supportive and understanding parents.  Best wishes to you and your family.

-Danny

I believe tonite on OWN begins the Chastity Bono story to becoming Chaz.   maybe jus****ch the show for ideas and possibly watch together.

I don't think anyone here would be anything other than supportive.    I do though believe that you need to be upfront in the home that any and all computers will be reviewed and monitered by a parent or guardian.  Of course that will anger any kid, but protection is also needed.  it will be an honest no win on that.

I wish you love and luck in this.  keep posting anytime as the people here are kind!

I think the idea of watching the Chastity / Chaz Bono show would be a great way to open the door. While watching the show, let her take the initative make the story more personal. The way you react to the show may give her confidence to broach the subject with her. Sounds she's ready for the conversation.

Personally, I would NOT tell her what you discovered on the laptop. That might be too confrontational and lead her to make sure that history is ALWAYS deleted when she finishes. I don't think it's in your best interest push her towards internet secrecy.

I agree with the PFLAG suggestion. They are very supportive and very teen oriented in my area, and we are a pretty small town.

I am not an expert on transgender issues either but do know that as a parent (now a grandparent) that there are more health issues involved. So find out what you can so your daughter can make the best choices.

Best of luck to you and your family!

deb366

I agree that you should NOT tell her that you found out. I also agree that you and her father should learn more about this and take it a bit slower. 

The "Own" and PFLAG ideas are great to help you get a better picture of whats going on and you definately should do both of those. Depending on your location you might have a GLBT community center with support systems.

You love and accept her, but you need to really get more knowledge about it so that you can back up those words with action. There are alot of things that are going to come up that could catch all of you off guard. You don't want to tell her that you love and accept her but then everytime something "new" comes up with it you don't know quite what to do or say. That will add to the already dominate feelings that she has related to  "You don't know me, you don't care about me"...

I think ultimately your actions will show her you love her.....when I said take it slower you dont want her to "catch you" learning about this, because she will then know you "caught her".

Eventually you can "Out" yourself on this aspect of the issue, but that should wait until after you let her "Out" herself to you and build on this part of your relationship.

Remember that showing love is more effective than saying I love you..

Hugs
G

I have a little bit of experience here.  My partner is M2F and I've watched what she's been through since we've been together.  More recently, my oldest son, who lives in California with my ex and her family came to her and told her that he was gender dysmorphic but didn't want to become a woman (although he does have a history of cross dressing and we think he may be coming into his own).  She called me as she was worried that he wouldn't talk to a therapist about this and get help with what he's going through.  We have all told him that no matter who he is, we all still love him for who he is, not what he is.  I think that's one of the biggest things you can do as a parent.  I believe a big part of how they handle their decision to start the change has to do with the kind of support they will get from family and friends.  It's not an easy thing to do (it's worse for M2F than for F2M for many) and there are still many ignorant people out there who won't make things easy for your child, but with the right support, they can be successful.

As to your questions about telling your child what you know, it is touchy.  I know how 16 year olds can be and the need for privacy is pretty common.  I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open.  Is this a public blog that your child is posting to?  If so, then anyone can see it and if she's writing this blog on your laptop then you're bound to see it eventually.  This may even be her way of telling you without telling you, if you know what I mean. 

You may want to speak with your family physician or pediatrician to see if you can get a referral to a specialist such as an endocrinologist who specializes in trans medicine...offering that kind of help to your child will speak volumes (although I do believe that testosterone won't be initiated until the patient is 18 and has gone through the appropriate physical and mental health clearances).  Your local GLBT community center, Planned Parenthood and some online forums can help you find resources.

HTH and best of luck to you and your child!